Go Phunk Yourself!!!

Eid Mubarak

2011-11-07T18:02:00.000+05:00

Eid Mubarak to all my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters!
Wishing you and your family a very joyful Eid. May His countless blessings be with you on this Eid and may it being comfort, prosperity and happiness into your life.

Once again Eid Mubarak to you and your family. Enjoy!

I am extremely sorry for the lack of posting in the past two months. It's that my personal life got hit by a few speeding trucks and the already messed up situation at home got alot more messed up. I just wasn't in the mind space to blog even though I wanted to. Call it lack of energy, time, space, opportunity or maybe all of them combined to some extent - whatever it was, I am glad it has somewhat passed.

The scars are still new and the dust has not settled. I do not know what is going to happen next but I do know that my return is certain. I may have taken longer but then I was talking to a friend who said that I need to start enjoying life again. Some issues need time and time will solve them for me. So I listened to her and I am restarting something that I enjoyed doing alot.

Hope you all had wonderful months of September and October.

Not Guilty

2011-09-06T13:22:00.000+05:00

A little while after I posted I Should Have Kissed You, I got the following three submissions in my Formspring.

1. Heartless Much?
2. How can you make a kiss so complicated?
3. You should have kissed him. Why didn't you?

I agree it was just a kiss. But it was just a kiss for me. For Josh it was clearly something alot more than just a kiss. I did want to kiss him. But if I had and felt nothing out of it and then broken up, Josh may have felt used. Or there was the a worse possibility of that he may have felt lead on to believe something that doesn't exist.

Also given that we were going to his house and I was quite obviously turned on by him, it would not have been just a kiss. There would have been some definite stripping and quite possibly some groping as well. Two young hot blooded guys who are attracted to each other present under the same roof all by themselves, things are not only bound but destined to happen. Like they say, sparks fly!

When it comes to dating business in the unfortunate case that it doesn't work out, it's quite understood that one side would eventually get hurt. It's a cruel reality but one has to accept it. Sometimes you are rejected. Sometimes you reject. Either case I didn't reject him. I just wasn't ready to kiss him yet. If he would have waited maybe something would have happened. But he's the one who stopped talking and cut me off. Not that I'm saying he's the at fault here. I know I did some very stupid things here, but I stopped myself in time from causing some serious damage.

On a brighter note, I did text message him 'Eid Mubarak' late night last Thursday and for once got a reply from him - with a smiley face. I replied to his text message with an apology to which he didn't reply. Not mad at him, even I would have not known what to reply if I was in his shoes. I can most honestly say that right now I do not feel anything for him except maybe a sense of concern. I wish him the best and that's all.

It's like the six merry murderesses of the Crookem Country Jail said - it was a murder but not a crime.

Formspring - August 2011

2011-09-01T10:58:00.000+05:00

As scheduled, here is the post answering the questions put up during the month of August. There were some very weird submissions on my Formspring but you read on and tell me what do you think.

Q. O Na Na, What's my name?
A. Well I certainly know it ain't Rihanna. ;)

Q. What is your weirdest quirk?
A. I say the names of people I love out loud when I'm feeling tense.

Q. Designers or Models?
A. DESIGNERS!!!

Q. What is your opinion on cosmetic surgery?
A. Not a fan. But I do find it somewhat acceptable in the case when an individual wants to restore himself/herself after how he/she looks due to the complication of some disease, condition or accident. To go under the knife just to look younger or more gifted in a certain region of your anatomy is just plain wrong. However each to his own.

Q. What is your all time favorite Bollywood movie and why?
A. Hands down I have to say Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. I fell in love with it the first time I saw it and since then no other movie has made me feel the same way. The soundtrack is particularly awesome. I danced to the song Koi Mil Gaya at my uncle's wedding back in the summer of 1999. Also it features my all time favorite Bollywood couple - Shahrukh Khan and Kajol.

Q. What would you want as your boyfriend, werewolf or vampire?
A. Humans only please!

Q. If Lady GaGa had not arrived would Madonna still be ruling the gays?
A LOL @ 'arrived' - you made it sound like she's some alien, or perhaps you know more than the rest of us. But to answer your question, no. Eventually someone would have replaced Madonna. Also I think that every gay generation has their own queen, and no two queens can exist at the same time in the same generation.

Q. Have you ever been so happy you could die?
A. No. I've got all life to live. I've got all my love to give. I will survive!

Q. Do you ever get the feeling that you are neglecting someone?
A. Not to sound douchey or anything but I have got such a wide circle of friends and it is so vast that there is no possible way I can be in touch with all of them all the time. I have got stuff to do but I do remember to contact everyone once in a while. And if I know you and you have felt ignored, I'm sorry.

Q. Have you ever been bullied?
A. Yes, but not for my sexuality.

Q. Do you believe in chance encounters? Serendipity? Fate?
A. Yes, I do. And what would our lives be if there were no coincidences to give us that magical element of surprise?.

Q. So now that the thing with Josh is over, are you back in the dating game? Or are you going to put it on hold and focus on your career/studies?
A. I would say I am back but I am not looking for a boyfriend anymore. I will meet up if I find someone interesting but that too would be extremely rare. It is not just studies that I need to give time now but my mother tenses every time I step out given the present city conditions. So that means very very less dating, but how less I can not say.

Q. Should I get high-lights?
A. Hell no!

Q. Who/what inspires you the most?
A. The little miracles of God - they are a real life saver!

Q. What makes you all lively and cheered up when you are down?
A. Well there are alot of things but if I have to name a few of the most effective ones I would say babies, Glee, friends, ice-cream or just a good conversation.

Q. What's the most fascinating thing in the universe?
A. Girls! =P

Q. Do you think Muslims (Well Pakistanis) will ever get the same treatment they used to get before 9/11?
A. No. 9/11 completely changed the world, not just America. While yes it did give Muslims a bad name, however I believe Pakistan's involvement came in much later when some of the most wanted militants were reported to have been hiding in Pakistan.

Q. Jack Sparrow or Todd Sweeney, favorite Johnny Depp movie?
A. Jack Sparrow, while I did love Todd Sweeney but it was more because of Helena Bonham Carter. I absolutely adore her!

Q. How many suits do you own?
A. Four

Q. Have you ever wanted to just leave everything and go far far away from here?
A. Every once in a few weeks I get these impulses to runaway, far far away.

Q. Are you a Pokemon fan?
A. No. And unless you are less than 12 years of age, neither should you.

Q. Aside from Medicine, what has always been your passion?
A. Medicine is not my passion. I am doing it because my parents want me to become a doctor. It is one of the two things they want from me in life. Since the other is marriage, it is more suitable to give them this one and give them at least some satisfaction. My passion has, is and will always be Arts.

Q. I wish to see my posts in the past on BGBS ( Being Gay, Beyond Sex), can it be unlocked just for viewing?
A. I am terribly sorry but that's not a possibility. If I able the forum, I also able people to post in it. Since Christian wanted BGBS to be closed rather than crumble to a shadow of it's prime glory, he had it closed. We hated going down that road, however all good things must come to an end. Also I would like to thank you for your contributions to BGBS. I do miss that place alot!

Q. Are you top or bottom?
A. If I would engage in anal sex, I would be the bottom.

Q. Your favorite Bollywood actor and actress?
A. My favorite male lead is Shahid Kapoor and Akshay Kumar. My favorite actress has always been Kajol, but I have some liking for Priety Zinta, Priyanka Chopra and quite obviously Madhuri Dixit.

Q. Would you ever try any sex toys?
A. Hand cuffs probably but nothing else.

Q. What do you have to say about Beyonce announcing her pregnancy at VMAs?
A. Completely ridiculous. Absolutely completely ridiculous. As happy as I am for her but announcing your pregnancy at an award show is like begging for publicity. I'm no hater and we all know Beyonce is the last person on Planet Earth to need publicity, but this was so not needed.

Q. Do you agree with Beyonce when she says girls run the world?
A. Hell yeah. I completely agree with Beyonce.

Q. I live in Canada would you come to meet me?
A. Hahahaha - are you serious?! I really don't know. But if I ever plan to come to Canada, I will put it on my blog so you contact me and we can meet up if that's possible.

There are three questions remaining which were more or less on the same context, I shall be doing a post on them soon. I felt that they deserved a separate mention so who ever sent them my way, please be a little patient. Thank you!

Eid Mubarak

2011-08-31T10:20:00.000+05:00

Eid Mubarak to all my fellow Muslim Brothers and Sisters!

After the blessed month of Ramadan, I hope that Allah has accepted all our fasting, prayers and charities. I wish you all a very happy Eid!

Celebrate heartily with your friends and family, but don't forget the less fortunate who are missing out on this glorious day and be sure to include them in your celebration in whatever way possible. Let the spirit of Ramadan remain awake in us through out the entire year.

Once again; Eid Mubarak!!!

I Should Have Kissed You

2011-08-30T10:11:00.000+05:00

It was 1st of August. Ramadan would be starting the very next day. Josh's exams would be starting in two weeks. We will not be able to meet for at least a month, so we had decided to meet one last time to hold us off and get us through. This meeting was not planned ahead. It happened very spontaneously. Josh asked me out in response to my 'Good Morning' text. "I'd love to but can you make time?", I asked him.

"We won't go far." he replied so I agreed.

"Oh and I'll be picking you up. Cool?", he asked.

"Super cool!", I replied. Normally I would have been hesitant but with us living very close together, I knew he would not be going out of his way to pick me up. I wasn't a fan of the fact that he didn't trust my skills behind the wheel but in such cases, it's best not to make such people feel that they are being neurotic.

I told him that he should study as his afternoon would be taken up by me, it was a real task convincing him. He kept promising that he would start as soon as he got back home from the date. But I was strict and stubborn. I told him that I would call the whole thing off if he doesn't study right now. I would confess that I had no plans of doing such a thing, however desperate times call for desperate measures.

I was still getting ready when Josh text messaged me that he's waiting at the corner of the street where I told him to wait. It took me about ten minutes to get to him, and I apologized for the delay. "It's okay. I know girls take time getting ready!", he teased.

"Obviously. We want to look good for our man!", I contributed to his joke. We went to a near by mall. The date was uneventful to be honest so I would not be blogging about it later at Coffee & Boys. We walked around alot and ate tons of Gelato. We kept going back for more trying new flavors and relishing the ones that were our sure fire favorites. We even had ice-cream with our garlic mayo french fries. Yes, it was one full fat love affair but with Ramadan starting, we knew we would shed it off somehow. At least Josh was sure - the dude has gone terribly skinny since he hit adolescence.

We were on our tenth or twelfth cup when Josh got a call from his mother. She was going out for grocery shopping, and the house would be empty. Josh told her that he has the keys so it's not a problem and that he would be home soon. He disconnected and we walked around abit more. "Hey. Would you mind if we go back to my place and..?", he stopped mid sentence.

Being the naturally smart( Read; Horny) person that I am, I guessed what he wanted to know. "Get intimate?", I completed. He nodded sheepishly. I nodded happily back. We left the mall instantly and got into his car.

No sooner had I agreed to it that the great 'Kissing Josh' debate exploded in my head like a nuclear bomb. It was all I could think about. The same thoughts that had been plaguing my mind recently started their war dance full force. Both the sides were equally adamant of claiming victory. Pushing forward and towards each other, just as one side would inch forward pushing the other back the other would retaliate and gain ground once again. It was the nastiest mental tug of war ever.

I would tell you right now that this had been going on in my head since the past few weeks. I had even confided about it to a couple of friends. And now it's your turn to get the scoop. I wanted to kiss Josh. I wanted to kiss Josh really bad. My lips had gone dry, parched and quite possibly a little swollen from all the time I was biting them looking at Josh's lip move as he talked. The last time I had made out with someone was July 12th 2010. It had been a year of nobody but my hand. I wanted to hold someone close and tug at their lips, drink into their warmness and let the senses run wild. And here was the perfect guy for the task. An absolutely adorable guy who I could literally eat up in a second.

However all my impulses to throw myself at Josh were entirely carnal. I did not feel it in my heart for him, and I knew it. I knew perfectly well that feeling you have when you want someone with you. I have experienced that high before, and this was nothing like that high. It seemed more out of necessity and desperation that I had pursued Josh. Because I did not want to be alone. What made it all even worse was that I was pretty sure about what Josh felt for me. I knew he had taken the bait and had been reeled in.

I thought that maybe if I kiss him, I would feel something. Anything! But what if I felt absolutely nothing except that inner hunger of getting physical finally being fed a prime steak. I am not the world's best kisser by any means. Till the date of this event, I had kissed just two guys. It's like my friends say - I'm a frigg'in lesbian!

"Josh, I can't kiss you just yet.", I told him all of a sudden. It vomited out of my mouth. I had no idea how close we were to his place when I told him this dirty little secret.

"Why?", he asked. He was clearly hurt.

"I'm not ready yet.", I told him. I could not even look at him right now. I was most definitely the most pathetic person ever in his eyes because of this tirade. "Don't ask me anything more please. I swear it's not you. It's me!", I added. Oh God!, I thought to myself. Did I just seriously use that severely abused break up lines?! I should just shut up.

"Just drop me at the next stop, I'll go home myself.", I requested Josh.

Josh did just that and I don't blame him. I can't blame him. I was the one being the jerk here. "I shall text you later. Take care. Drive safe!", I told him and stepped out. Josh didn't say anything in response to my last words.

I got home and took a nice long bath. I felt like banging my head against the wall but I was far too exhausted to do anything other than just stand there under the running water. I contacted Josh later that night but got no response from him. I fired an apology text message and went to sleep, hoping things would somehow magically get better tomorrow. However this was the point that Josh and I started to drift apart.

However I do believe that I did the right thing. Now either this makes me the most fair man in the world or the most arrogant bugger you would ever have the opportunity to come across. You decide!

Smack That

2011-08-27T02:03:00.000+05:00

"Really? Your here to loose weight? Why? Your cute, man. You can bag chicks easily!", was the first compliment that I got from him. Him is a guy who goes to my gym, in fact he's one of the trainer. The guy who I refer to for everything is the owner of the gym. He has three people under his rule - two guys and a girl. Him happens to be one of those two guys.

I thanked him for his compliment but didn't exactly pay attention to it. You know your over-weight when you have big ass love handles. I wanted to loose weight. I wanted to give my life some sort of push forward and building a healthier body seemed like a great way to start. Further more, I had already gotten the membership so I might as well put it to good use.

Of the two sub-trainers, he's the friendlier one. The other guy although very polite and helping, doesn't really talk to anybody on his own. If you approach him asking for help he would respond and help you how ever he can. Except for when he's talking two or three members I have never seen him laugh or crack a smile.

The other dude is the polar opposite of him. He's talks with everyone, notices subtle changes in body and makes sure he lets the person know. He laughs and jokes. If he spots someone doing something wrong, he would immediately come over to correct that person. If the person is welcoming to his help, he would help even more. He's a real social butterfly! I really can't play favorites. I like them both equally. While I trust them both, I favor the sober one more when it comes to advice because I believe he has a better body. Also I can not let any excuse of talking to him slip pass me. No way! No how!

It's been about four months since I started going to the gym regularly and the changes have been tremendous. I weigh 74 kgs right now, I started off from 81kgs. My waist line has also decreases and I can feel I am nearer to a healthier version of me. A friend of mine and my mother have noticed the starting of some muscle developement. So in all, I would say that things are going in a good direction, but there is alot more distance to cover. Quite obviously, Mr. Trainer has also noticed these changes and has complimented me a few more times. And here's the thing - those compliments seem flirty to me.

I don't think he's gay or bi. I really don't but then things like these throw me off. And what happened today was way beyond and above getting thrown off. I was literally vaulted twenty feet into the air and dropped back on my bum. Go over the details and tell me what do you conclude. Once I have his deal figured out, I can act appropriately. If he flirts, I'll flirt back. If he jokes, I'll joke back. If he shoves his tongue down my throat, you can bet your money I won't think twice before doing the same. But before all that I would really like to get to know what's going in his head.

So I was at my gym today around four in the afternoon. It was a holiday today and a very important religious day for that so not many people had come to the gym. When I arrived, there were only two guys and one lady there besides the trainers. I went to the locker room and changed into shorts and a t-shirt. While walking back to the weight room, I noticed that one of my shoe laces was untied. Too lazy to crouch down, I propped my foot on a rising and bent over.

Out of no where red hot pain strikes me with the force of lightening and shoots up my spine. I cuss and look up to see Mr. Trainer walking by with a giant smile on his face. He gives me a wink just before he enters the weight room and disappears. I prop myself against a wall nursing my probably swollen ass cheek with a semi hard-on in my shorts. I am excited and embarrassed at the same time.

I would admit right here right now that I have a spanking fetish. Caught you by surprise, didn't I? LOL!

I really don't know how to explain this one. But then again, I can really not think of any logical reasons for any of my other fetishes. But let's keep it to spanking for now. So yeah, I'm into spanking. Not the BDSM kind, but a naughty playful kind. I don't like to turn people's asses beet red. I do not like paddles, whips or what ever is it that people use. I prefer the touch of skin on skin. If I see an ass I like, I would like to spank it. Nathan knows about this very well. But for the first time, the roles had been reversed in my mind. I was the spankee - is that even a word?.

I so wanted to grab his hand and drag him to the locker room. Slam him against one of those tiled walls and let him do whatever the heck he wanted to do with me. But I calmed myself down, entered the weight room and did whatever I was supposed to trying to the best of my abilities to give him the impression that I really didn't care. However everytime I saw that bicep flex, I could feel my heart beat faster.

He's definitely not relationship material, and I do not want to be in a relationship right now. If it's casual fun he wants, I think I can go ahead with it. He's definitely yummy. Really really yummy!

What do you guys have to say?

Issues; Confused in Love

2011-08-24T06:12:00.000+05:00

I am very good friends with a guy and I like him. I am not sure if he likes me the same way as I do. I do know that he's gay/bi, have not really discussed but he has slept around with some guys. I feel at times he isn't someone who would desire to be in a relationship. He even makes fun of them sometimes in front of me and our friends. But then he generally makes fun of the whole idea of being in love and being in a relationship. I have tried forgetting him but that has not worked well at all. I found myself thinking about him even more. I have never suggested or discussed the possibility of a relationship either in fear of loosing him. What should I do?

I think you already have the answer to your problem, and it is a big fat no, but let's go over it. So first things first, just because he has been with a couple of guys doesn't necessarily mean that he is into guys. One thing that I have come to realize over the past year is that sexuality doesn't necessarily generate into a specific sexual activity. People are very flexible towards sex nowadays, alot more than they would like to admit to themselves and others. I know a gay guy who has had sex with women, I can't exactly recall if he enjoyed it or not right now. Then I have come across straight guys who like to score an easy ass. They like to tap into our ever ready and ever willing horny gay brothers, who welcome them with open arms - or in this case, open legs. So to conclude just because he has fooled around with guys, does not imply towards his sexuality.

Secondly gay or bi, if he does not want to be in a relation there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And from the looks of it, I would say that he would not touch the relationship tag with a ten foot pole. It is your decision whether you voice these feelings or not, but it is his decision to reciprocate them equally towards you. Anything less from him is not only unfair to you, but also in time would not be enough for you. You would either want out or want more. Both may and probably would lead to a messy situation.

Last but frankly the most important, you have not mentioned if he is aware of the fact that you are attracted to guys. The reason I am saying this is that I have a feeling that he maybe a homophobe. However if you have told him and he is still friends with you then he is not. In the unfortunate circumstance that he happens to be one, believe me a relationship is the last thing you would want from him.

You already have the answer, buddy. You just need a push in the right direction. I would advice you to cool yourself down and give yourself time. Eventually you would move on, because eventually everyone moves on.

Oh and a big thank you for writing. I was out of ideas about what to post, but your E-mail gave me a few day break to get my thoughts together and come up with something. Thank you once again!

Forgive Me For I Have Sinned

2011-08-18T21:25:00.002+05:00

Well not really!

But I did do the most unimaginable and unthinkable thing one might do while considering someone for a relation. I met my ex - Nathan, and actually had fun. Also I told Josh before the meet up about it since I didn't want it to mistakenly slip later in some conversation and then be hanged by the thumbs.

Nathan arrived in Pakistan sometime in the beginning of July to spend a two weeks of his vacations before going back. Before I proceed to tell what happened on the meet up, let me tell you all that Nathan and I have remained in touch since December or January I believe. I had my differences with him previously but since we have started talking, I have begun to see Nathan in a new light. This revelation leads me to solidify my beliefs even more that Nathan and I could not have gone for much longer. But that's okay. I have made peace with the fact and I have actually gained a really good friend with whom I can share anything and vice versa.

In the early stages of Josh and I getting to know each other, I told him about Nathan and how everything went down with him. Josh did not like him. Moreover he did not understand the point of being in a long distance relationship, which he made perfectly clear once again when we talked about my first kiss with Nathan.

Before Nathan arrived he asked me if he can be in touch with me in Pakistan and go out sometime if I am comfortable with it. Why would I not be?! He also asked if Josh would be okay with it. I told him that he should be okay with it. Committed or not committed, I am allowed to have friends and he( Josh) should trust me enough to let me go meet some dude and not wind up getting banged in some dark alley. The same night when I was talking with Josh, I told him without any tact at all that I would be meeting Nathan when he comes to Pakistan. I would admit that was boorish on my part. It may have made him think that I do not care for his feelings. But I did. Earlier somebody had approached Josh for a meet up but Josh had declined. I told him at that point that I trust him and will not stop him from meeting anyone if he wants to. We are allowed to have friends!

Call me an effed up guy, but I seriously can not stand anybody bad mouthing Nathan. Ryan and I have fought considerable number of times over his rants about Nathan. I even had to shut Amanda up once. I do not like people bad mouthing Nathan period. It is not that I harbor feelings for him. It is that he is a really nice guy and the fact that we broke up had absolutely nothing to do with him. I was the one going all hormonal on his ass! Josh is probably the one person who's rants I took quietly but that too up to a certain point.

When I told Josh about the meet up, he asked me that how could I be friends with someone who I loved a few months ago?

It all depends on what grounds the break up happened and if the people involved have truly gotten over it. When in a true and real relationship, the people open themselves up completely and find someone who knows them better than most. Nathan became that person but we could not make it work as a couple. However we are definitely rocking it out as friends. Josh has been committed once before and from what he told me, his ex was a real douche. Infact he was the douche of all douches!

"I don't care if I get it on with Josh or not, but I am glad that at least he is not involved with him!", I thought when Josh confessed of a few hurtful memories.

Despite Josh's apprehension I went ahead and met Nathan on one of the larger breaks that I got between my exams. Nathan had requested that we go to a particular place I took to him last year on our third date. But I had exams and he didn't have much time so we could not go ahead with that plan. We went to another near by restaurant that we went to at least two or three times last year. The meeting was fun. We ordered food and talked. I didn't think it would be uncomfortable but there was a little doubt in my mind. However as I sat there and talked, I realized that I had nothing to worry or fear about. This meet was turning out to be fantastic!

We talked about pretty much everything and even indulged in a little window shopping for guys. We were both sort of single, so we both were sort of browsing. We discussed gym routines and even boobies. LOL! I guess that's what happens when you are completely comfortable talking about anything with somebody. The most ridiculous topics get slammed on the table and even then you somehow manage to have fun with it. Before we met, Nathan and I would usually text each other a few times of a day. Josh was not aware of this entirely. It's not that I was hiding it from him, it skipped my mind. It really did!

Nathan and I could not meet again. He was busy in family stuff and I had exams. I did tell Josh about it the same day that it happened. He was very stoic through out the conversation replying only in single words like 'Okay', 'Yeah' and 'Cool'. But I know Josh, and I knew things were anything but cool.

Josh never raises his voice. It isn't like him to yell at the top of his lungs to let somebody know that he's mad. He does the opposite and starts shutting them out. But then isn't that what most guys do?!

I could have simply gone out and Josh would have never known about it. However that would have also been wrong and dishonest. If I expect Josh to come to me with anything, I need to be ready and willing to go to him with anything. Honesty is not the best policy. It's the only policy! :D

Looking back I do know that this is one of the things that lead to us breaking up. But I am glad that I played my cards right. If it didn't work out despite this, there is and was nothing I could have done about it. Love is a loosing game after all - however you won't find my weeping or sulking on a sidewalk.

Hungover

2011-08-17T01:32:00.000+05:00

It's over between Josh and me. I am not exactly sure how it happened, why it happened or even if it has actually happened. It is like I have a hangover from a party that I didn't even go to. It is also so frigg'in confusing and mixed up. Also the fact that I have just one side of the story - my side, so I can't put the entire puzzle together. I'll try to the best of my abilities to channel it here in the next few posts. It's all too big to put down in one post.

Also let me add that I am not depressed or anything synonymous to it. I would say that I am a little pissed but I am definitely not depressed over what has happened. It is absolutely nothing like it went down with Nathan (Read here and here), which makes me think that maybe it happened for the best. Maybe I didn't love him, but simply liked him and moved too fast. He deserves someone who loves him and doesn't second guess that feeling at all for even a second. I was not that person. I could have been that person had he given some time but I am not thinking about it. I am not mad at Josh. Well perhaps just a little! =P

Remember how I mentioned in the first paragraph that I am not sure if it has happened, so let me explain that to you now. Josh has not been responding to my text messages or Facebook messages. He does not pick up my calls but let's it ring. This has been going on since August 8th. He had his first exam yesterday so that would be a logical explanation, exam do raise the stress level and one tends to be annoyed by petty distractions. However when you have enough time to change your Facebook display picture you can definitely hit me back with a text message saying that you're okay. He didn't even congratulate me on clearing my exams( YAY me!! ). My gay pals congratulated me as soon as they heard the news. It made me think my importance in his world. How frigg'in inconsiderate can you be?!

Josh has behaved in a similar manner sometime back in April or May. At that time I was more concerned than pissed. Maybe he will text me after his exams but it doesn't matter to me any more. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!

I can't be with someone who can shut me out so easily. So this time I'm going my own way, and for once I'm happy beyond words. I really am! I was relieved and a little sad when things with Bruce ended but this time I am positively gleeful. See me smile!

I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to talk to him really bad but after four solid days of silence that you could touch I have backed off. If he returns after his exams, I will not get back on this train. It's not that I hate him. I really don't. I would admit that I would like an explanation for his behavior. But I am no longer angry at him. See my smile above! ;)

A friend of mine theorizes that I got dumped. The more I thought about it, I would say that he is indeed right. Josh did dump me!

However I am still not sad. He didn't consider me the right choice, I wasn't ready to be his choice either. Like I said earlier, perhaps it worked out in the best fashion for both of us. I am back to being single, and no matter how much do I want or try to get committed Karma does not wish the same for me. Therefore I shall wait, but I can have a little fun while I am waiting. Hahaha - that too would be covered in coming posts.

Hope everybody is having a wonderful time!

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 2

2011-08-13T00:54:00.000+05:00

I had big ass butterflies in my stomach that entire day. The previous night when I was lying on the bed, I promised myself that I would tell Amanda about myself the coming morning. However every time I would run into Amanda or was about to run into Amanda, my feet would do a double take and I would duck in to some corridor, lecture hall or ward. I knew if I didn't tell Amanda before the day got over, I'm going to be sick from self-disgust the same night.

Fortunately after my daily rotation I was standing outside the cafeteria where Amanda came up to order. "Hey! How are you?", she asked me.

"I'm good. You?", I asked. We started talking as usual, and I realized that while I did want to come out to her I didn't know how to steer the conversation to such a point when I could actually bring this up. I didn't have the guts to start talking about girls but my stomach kept tying itself into knots with every passing second. My replies and contributions to the conversation were sharp and short. It was like my mind was functioning somewhere else, and only my body was present in the college grounds.

"Do you trust me?", she asked.

"Ofcourse I do!", I told her. I did trust her. If I didn't, I would not be considering telling her about myself.

"I was talking to one of your friends earlier today. He told me that you do not trust anybody in this college, and that's why you haven't told anybody who you like!", she told me. She seemed hurt. "I told him that you really do not like anyone, even though I do not entirely believe it myself."

"Okay! Firstly thanks alot for sticking up for me!", I replied. "Secondly..", I began typing hastily into my cell phone. "Read this super quietly and please please please do not scream!", I told her sternly. My hands had gone cold and were shaking. I gave her my cell phone. She was totally confused, and I could read it on her face.

She took the cell phone. She has brown eyes but sometime likes to wear green contact lenses which make her eyes look bigger than they actually are, and even more so when she outlines them with mascara. Her already very wide eyes grew even more wide. It seemed that she was paused. She handed me the cell phone back, but didn't say anything. I thought I was going to loose her now.

"Since when?", she asked. "Since when have you known that your gay?", she repeated explaining her question.

"I realized it when I was sixteen, but I can date my earliest attraction towards guys when I was eight years old!", I told her quietly.

"So you have always liked guys?", she asked again.

"Yeah!", I replied.

"And there hasn't been a single girl who has roused interest in you?", she asked.

"I do like girls, but not like a straight guy does!", I told her. "If you are uncomfortable with me being gay, you can end our friendship." I told her. I would never force anyone into being in my company if they find my sexuality unsettling.

"Oh shut up. You are so much better than the straight guys I know!", she told me. I smiled a little at that compliment. "There was something different about you. But I never expected you to be gay.", she started babbling.

I laughed at her previous remark. "What was your opinion?", I asked her.

"Okay don't freak out, but I always thought you were secretly engaged since birth!", she confessed.

I started laughing uncontrollably. "Seriously?", I asked to confirm. "You seriously thought I was engaged?!"

"Yeah yeah whatever!", she grumbled. "Okay so now that I know your gay, who do you really like?", she asked me.

"Will you ever let go of this question?!", I responded. My body had started functioning normally again, it felt so good drinking soda. It was like a giant weight had been lifted off my body.

"Had you not told me, I would have eventually moved on. But now I'm so interested in knowing everything about you.", she said with the biggest ever smile on her face.

Good God! What have I done?

In the coming weeks I told Amanda everything that you all know about me, and some I haven't posted about here yet. She told me that I'm a 'Rachael Berry', which I will post about sometime else.

Dating Do's And Dont's

2011-08-11T11:33:00.001+05:00

Dating by no means is easy. It’s complicated. It’s messy. It’s risky. However it’s necessary, whether one would like to admit it or not. Finding the one is no piece of cake, that person won’t magically drop in our laps. The search can be a long and tiring process; however that is no excuse for us to forget simple social etiquette of meeting other people.

Having been on a few dates myself, I’ve seen a couple of things that have irked me now and then. Fortunately it’s not just me who has these complains. Guys and girls both have been on the receiving end of this somewhat cruel treatment. I’ve divided the list into pre-date, on-date and post-date. Which of the following have you been considerate enough to follow? Or worse, which one of the following are you guilty of?

Pre-Date

When planning for a meet, it’s best to talk it out over the phone. Words can be misunderstood during text messaging by the reader and ultimately leading to confusion.

When deciding on a place, keep both wallets (yours and his) in mind. Dating is unpredictable and if there is no second chance, then why blow precious money?! Go Dutch – unless the other person is specifically planning on treating you. Never assume it!

Don’t dress up! Be casual! Clothes that you feel comfortable will automatically make you feel relaxed. If your clothes make you stand out in a crowd and attract attention, there is a very good chance that your date will feel uncomfortable. But do refrain from looking like something the cat dragged in.

Smell good! You have to smell good! Bad odors from any part of the body indicate poor hygiene – an instant turn off for many. Keep a pocket mint for bad breath. Be generous and offer your date one as well.

If you plan on picking up your date on a motorcycle, make sure to borrow an extra helmet. If you can’t arrange one, ask him to do so! Just like sex – best to be safe than sorry!

Lastly if you can’t make it – tell in advance. Do not spring it on the other person the last minute or simply not show up and ignore his texts and call.

On-Date

Pay attention to your date! That’s the first rule of dating. You are here to meet him. So talk to him. Do not pay attention to your cell phone, T.V. or the worst – another person present there. Eyeing another person is a complete deal breaker!

Do not take along your best friend on the date. You do not need his approval to date. If you do not feel safe meeting a guy, then simply don’t! Dating is meant for companies, not crowds. Do not have him scout for you either!

Talking about religion and politics is generally a bad idea since conflicting views may lead to heated arguments and possibly ego clashes. Keep these for later dates unless these topics are the ‘it’ thing for discussion between you two.

If one of the two is more of a silent type, the other one has to steer the conversation. However refrain from over-talking, over-sharing and cutting the other guy mid-sentence.

Avoid getting physical, touchy-grabby on the first date. People generally don’t like that! A handshake at the start and a hug at the end are pretty good. No need to steer into dark alleys for a quick squeeze.

First dates are awkward most of the time. And that’s perfectly okay! As long as neither of the two wants to do a Road Runner imitation, it’s all good!

Do not attend any phone calls or reply to any text messages unless it’s a matter of life and death. Guys have actually complained of their date’s text messaging other guys during meets. No wonder dating sucks according to most guys!

If you are into smoking or drinking, but your date isn’t – do ask him if he would be fine if you light one up or order some booze. People with asthma will instantly stop you – and you need to listen to them!

Post-Date

Post date text – this is quite possibly the most important part of the date and sets the tone for whatever happens next. There is really nothing wrong in being the first one to text – doing so doesn’t give the impression that you are clingy, weak or desperate. It’s a compliment to tell someone that you had fun with them!

Post date text should preferably not lead to more text messaging in my opinion. Now that gives the impression that you’re clingy, weak or desperate. Take time and give time!

If you are dropping the other person back at his place, do not invite yourself inside unless the other person asks you so. It’s his crib, he knows best!

None of these are really that hard to follow. Plus I feel that this will definitely ease up on the man drama in our social lives. Take care till the next time!

Originally published in Gaylaxy March-April, 2011. You can check out it's archives by clicking here.

Ramadan Mubarak & Formspring - July 2011

2011-08-02T02:16:00.000+05:00

I'm so sorry for being late. This post was supposed to go up yesterday, however I was busy the entire day in Ramadan preparation. I didn't have a single moment to myself the entire day, and at night when I got some time to myself I was so tired that I slept it off.

Speaking of Ramadan - I'm wishing each and every one of you a very happy Ramadan. May Allah bless you and your loved ones with all the wonderful things in the world, and may we all be successful in reaping the benefits of this Holy month to the maximum.

So as per schedule, it's time for the questions posted on my Formspring in July. Let's start!

Q. Why did Javier Colon win?
A. Because he got the most votes! =P

Q. Blondes or Brunettes ... or some other?
A. Brunettes most definitely. I find them extremely friendly for some reason, and I especially love the Dark Brown or Chocolate shade.

Q. What is your favorite Vampire TV Series?
A. True Blood no doubt!

Q. Are there any bloggers you are jealous of?
A. Jealous? No. Envious? Yes. I have learned to love my style of writing but at times I wish I could be as witty and intellectual as M@rvin, or as exposed in my writings as Closeted. I absolutely love their writing style.

Q. Your Favorite Katy Perry song?
A. Teenage Dream no doubt. Yes! Yes! You don't need to say it. I'm completely obsessed and totally in love with her, while she's happily married. Story of my life! *sighs*

Q. Are you still in touch with Nathan?
A. Yes. We are actually pretty good friends now.

Q. Do you believe in Santa Claus?
A. Only if he gets me what I want next Christmas! =P

Q. On a scale from 1 to 5, how would you rate yourself a a friend?
A. If I designate '1' as the lowest and '5' as the highest, I would say I'm a 2.5 I think.

Q. Does the human mind fascinate you?
A. Depends on who's mind is it that we are talking about.

Q. What other languages would you want to learn the most?
A. I believe I have already answered or mentioned this somewhere previously but I'd mention it here again. The languages are Punjabi and Espanol. I find both these languages extremely romantic!

Q. Do you search for porn on the Internet when you get the urge?
A. No, I have my collection safely stored in a 4GB USB. But to be clear, the entire 4GB doesn't contain porn. There are some drafts of various things I have written, and a few all time favorite songs that I do not want to loose.

Q. Can a person ever get internal satisfaction and can he ever be who he wants to be?
A. No. Every person is a mixture of what he wants himself to be and what the environment around him is, along with his past experiences and his thoughts all mixed together into a wonderful potpourri.

Q. If given the opportunity, what's the one thing you would like to change about yourself?
A. Procastination no doubt!

Q. Good sense of humor or good sense of hygiene or good sense of fashion, what's more of a turn-on for you?
A. Good sense of humor - I can take care of the other two for him very easily, and we both would actually enjoy it!

Q. What is the most scariest thing in life for you?
A. Letting down somebody I love - not necessarily family; or loosing my family because of my sexuality.

Q. What is your favorite animal, and why?
A. I really don't have a favorite animal. Sorry!

Q. Should I wax my legs and ass? - Hopeless Queen
A. Hell no. A little fuzz looks good on a man!

Q. Were you a fan of the late Amy Winehouse?
A. I was a fan of some of her songs. My favorite being Tears Dry on Their Own, Valerie and Back to Black. However my all time favorite Amy Winehouse song is Love Is A Losing Game. Absolutely thrilling!

Q. Blackberry, Android or iPad/iPhone?
A. I'll be happy with whatever you get me. =D

Q. Do you believe that everybody winds up with the perfect person for them?
A. There's no perfect. There's almost perfect! And I do believe that such people do exist, but them ending up together is not necessarily something I believe in.

Q. Would you become a vegan if given a chance?
A. I can't say. But I would take up the offer and give it a serious shot!

Q. Men in tight Tees or Men in suits?
A. Men in suits most definitely. Nothing is more of a turn on than formal wear!

Q. What's your favorite song from the gay icon Cher? Also, who is your all time favorite gay icon?
A. I have never ever heard of a single song by Cher, and I do not plan to either. I never really got into Madonna or Diana Ross, so there isn't really a possibility of liking Cher either. As for my all time favorite gay icon would come off as no surprise - Ellen Degeneres.

That's all for the month of July. Be sure to check in on 1st September for the questions posted in August. Take care. Once again Happy Ramadan to everyone!

Coming Out To Amanda - Pt. 1

2011-07-31T02:04:00.000+05:00

While we had become really good friends, I believe our next level of friendship was formed when Amanda started sharing her boy troubles with me. One fine day she asked me all of a sudden if differences in religious sects are taken into consideration during a marriage. I told her very blankly that most people prefer marrying people of their sect. If a marriage takes place in which the sects of the people involved are different, it's quite often looked down upon.

"Why did you ask me such a question?", I implored.

"A friend of mine shared her opinion on my idea of marrying a certain boy I like.", she replied.

"Somebody from your class?", I asked. "I'm talking about the boy, not the friend."

"No", she replied and began telling me about her boyfriend. I would admit that I was curious but I had no idea I would be extracting the information out of her with such ease. "And I'm trusting you with this so please do not tell it to anyone.", she added in the end.

"I won't. Promise!", I replied. "But why are you thinking of marriage right now? You are still in medical school for God's sake." I lectured her.

"I am not thinking. Just thinking!", she replied. This statement didn't make sense to me then, and I still don't get it.

"How religious are your parents? If they are very peculiar then there is a very good chance that they will not want you to marry him.", I told her. She didn't reply to that, but two weeks later she stopped talking to that boy.

She didn't tell me when she decided to split up. I felt that something was wrong one day and asked her if everything is alright. "Not feeling well!", she replied. I still wasn't convinced. I thought about asking if anything had happened between her and that guy she was seeing. But I didn't. It didn't seem right to me.

Later on when we were talking, she told me about the split. I didn't know what to do. I have never consoled a girl before, and I think consoling a boy is much easier than a girl.

Amanda went back to her usual chirpy self in a few days. Then a few weeks later she was crushing on a guy in my class. She badly wanted me to introduce her to him, but even I have never talked to him before. We shared a couple of friends, but that was all there was to it. There has never been a moment where we exchanged even a greeting. It's not that I hate him, it's just that he thinks he's better than everybody else. Okay, so maybe I do hate him!

I could not introduce the two so Amanda got to him through somebody else. "I'm telling you now, so that you don't have to hear it from anybody else. That's guy is the douche bag of all douche bags!", I warned her. I was more concerned with the fact that he was taking interest in Amanda. I didn't want him to use her. Amanda may seem pretty street smart, but I feel that she can be fooled easily.

I kept a close eye on the two, asking Amanda about the progress. "Why are you so interested if you think he's a douchebag?", she asked me.

"Because I care for you.", I told her. Realizing that it could be interpreted in a whole different sense I quickly added, "Like a sister!", and I meant it. Eventually the guy got bored with Amanda and stopped responding to her. Amanda took that as a clear signal and split from him. "Douchebag!", she mumbled when she told me about it.

Then last December she started talking to a new guy who's from a sister college. He sat next to her during exams, and they got to be friends. I got to know about it much later sometime in March. Knowing the reputation of the students from that college I asked her about his drinking habits. Her reply was positive, worse she was embarrassed.

"Have you been drinking with him?" I asked trying to sound as less accusatory as possible.

"No!", she snapped back. After some more talking I got to know alot about this guy. It's not just me, but anybody with common sense would have guessed that these two can not make a good couple what so ever. As they say, she's way out of his league.

She's a good student. He's flunked every subject two semesters in a row. She's very career orientated, already having planned what she wants to become. He's just doing this because his parents wanted him to be a doctor. She likes having fun but isn't a party animal. He's a complete party animal. This was the worst possible matches ever!

"I'm telling you right now, this won't go anywhere.", I was pissed at Amanda for being so boy crazy. She doesn't need to find a guy. When time comes, she will get married and the guy will actually be someone worthy of her.

"I should never tell you about the guys I like. You always find some flaw in them, and I can't help but over look it. I eventually have to break up.", she argued back. "Why don't you tell me about some of the girls you like and I'll see how well they suit you!", she challenged.

"You have already asked me twice before, and I told you that there is no girl that I like.", I replied. "It isn't neccessary to like someone. We come here to learn, not fall in love!". This was turning into a full war now. "I only want the best for you, and I'm telling you these guys suck big time. You deserve someone much better, and I'm not saying that just because I'm your friend."

"Shut up!", she replied and walked away. I was really mad at her, and I didn't bother going after her or talking to her. She was being an idiot and if she was going to make a mistake, I should let her.

Later that night she messaged me an apology. I felt that I should apologize as well. We started talking, and I began making fun of her taste in men. "So you really don't like any girl at all?", she asked me.

"It's late. Talk to you tomorrow!", I replied and put down my cell. Amanda has been on my list of people I want to come out to. I wanted to tell her really bad. It was at that moment that I decided to tell her tomorrow. It's time!

Where Dem Bloggers At?!

2011-07-28T03:09:00.000+05:00

Recently a favorite blog of mine closed down, the author felt that the purpose of his blog was complete. His opinion, but in my opinion his blog could have gone on alot longer and I really liked reading his posts.

Earlier today I was bored and I was Online, so I started browsing through my blog roll when I came upon a blog which had not been updated since quite sometime. I decided to drop a word to the owner to start blogging again, but was surprised to discover that his blog had been deleted. After abit of searching I got to know that while his blog had been indeed deleted, the author felt that his blog had filled it's purpose as well.

This all got me to thinking that is there a purpose to my blogging?!

Personally I came up with a negative answer. But after putting so much time, energy and effort into it, I would like to believe otherwise.

My stint of creative writing on web started with a few stories that I posted in Orkut forums. Initially these were pretty sex charged but then I moved on to something more heart tugging. I completed one entire story, it was called 'A Whole Lotta Love'. It was pretty well received, I believe.

A few months later I started part two of the saga 'Whatever It Takes'. I even published a few chapters but then I ditched it completely. At first I was genuinely busy with exams and college, but then later on I lost interest in it. It still lies uncompleted. I do have the entire story line planned in my head but I don't see myself penning it down anytime soon. Even if I want to I believe that I can't. I am not interested in it!

I briefly; twice to be exact, wrote for the very awesome and my personal blog Idol Crazy Sam's blog - Crazy Sam's Bloginess. However soon I branched out to my own and here I am running three blogs somewhat in the middle of success and failure. After writing fiction for so long, it feels nice to write something that's more real. Something that I pull from the inside of my heart and not from my brain.

However the question about the purpose still exists like a big bad wolf in my mind.

I like sharing details about my life here. It gives me a space to breath and be myself. Besides that, I occasionally "lecture" on various issues like relationship and dating - but that's rare. Sometimes I go on a rant, and then there are those patriotic moments. But there isn't any consistency, and that worries me in a weird sort of way.

At some point regardless of whether I find a guy for myself or not, I will stop posting about guys. I will stop posting about relationships. I will stop posting about dating. I have never really posted about sex, but even those would become a rarity. Maybe this may mean that I will stop posting altogether.

I don't know about all that right now. I don't even know if this blog will last that long. Google tends to delete blogs with explicit content. While I keep my blog porn free, I occasionally do put up some really steamy images. No point denying it. We all have salivated over those images!

But hot pics and funny tales of stupid guys can not go on forever. I certainly do not want to be posting about dating when I'm fifty something. Certain things are better left for the wild young hearts.

At fifty I either expect to be settled with a partner and have already spent at least fifteen years together or be a single dad of two awesome children. But those all are dreams, and before I could blog about them they need to happen. For real!

Right now blogging seems to be going in no direction. I feel it's time to pull out the big guns and get down to some serious soul searching writing. Looking at my published posts there are so many things that I need to tell you guys. I think I'll start with my coming out to Amanda, with posts of Josh and some random rants in the middle. What do you say?

Also if you remember I posted about writing fan fictions of my favorite programs. I can't believe I'll be posting links for these on my blog. I'm so going to be loosing whatever credibility I have built but since it's all about exposing the soul here, I also have to put up the things I am ashamed about - even the dirty laundry needs to be hung out so that it dries. LOL!

Okay so here's the link for my work on Vampire Diaries and here is the link for my work on True Blood. As I have mentioned in the disclaimer - This is a story about characters from the television show. It is a work of fiction (My Dirty Dirty Dirty imagination and lots of free time), and I do not claim any knowledge about the private lives of actors appearing in the show. This story implies nothing about their sexuality. I do not own these characters. The only person who has ever known about this link before today is Nathan.

Oh, and in case anybody is wondering - I do not have any plans on posting any further installments on them either. Sorry to disappoint if you happened to like it. With my studies, I can only do one thing and I believe blogging is a much better outlet for my creativity.

Now tell me honestly, do you still think I'm all that nicety nice?

Of Crushes and Crashes

2011-07-27T00:44:00.000+05:00

I have been waiting so impatiently to come back to the blogging scene that I really can not describe my excitement in words. My summer was largely uneventful due to my exams which ended today, and while I am absolutely relieved I have already started fretting about the result.

I really can not explain this feeling of dread that washes over my entire body from the exterior to the deepest cervices when I start thinking of the result. I would admit that my exams could have gone better but looking back at how much I studied I feel that they went adequate. However that feeling of internal satisfaction that glowed inside me after certain exams last year is missing. All I can do now is pray for everything to turn out for the best.

As summer draws to a close in the Northern Hemisphere of the planet we call Earth, my Summer romance with you is just starting and I intend to Phunk you to the maximum. Starting things off with the most imporant topic - Josh!

Josh and I have been doing well. I met him once during my exams when I had a particularly large gap between my papers. It was a quick meeting at a local Pizza parlor, and we seemed to be enjoying. While nobody has bought up the issue of commitment yet, I feel that the issue is somewhat already at the table. However I do not feel a spark, and that thought scares me alot. I do not want to proceed until I am absolutely sure about how I feel, but I can not vouch for Josh's feelings.

Our meeting at Pizza Parlor was entirely casual. It was so casual that I wore shorts and T-shirt to it, which is something I have never done with any of the past dates. Mistakenly during the date I brushed his toes, we both were wearing flip flops. The single brush led to alot under the table brushing. I hope nobody saw our toe dance. LOL!

Intimacy is another thing that has been creeping into our conversations. I do want to kiss him, I'm curious to feel his stubble rub against my chin. I feel at times that perhaps a kiss would trigger the spark I am searching for. However a kiss can also lead to complications in the sense that he takes it much more deeper than intended. He's a nice guy, and I really don't want to hurt him. With him being younger, I perceive it to be synonymous with fragility. I really don't know how this will play out so I'm taking it one step at a time as carefully as I can.

On naughtier aspect I spied with my little eye a real hottie. I really couldn't take my eyes off him. I remember seeing a guy similar to him in my previous exams, he's from a sister institute. But it's been about six months since I last sat for exams so I am not entirely sure.

Everytime I would look at him, my heart would start racing. Generally guys are described as 'Handsome', but he's 'Pretty'. He's really really pretty. He rates pretty wild on both Ryan and my Gaydar. While I am not entirely sure about the crap piece of machinery in my mind, but Ryan's Gaydar is spot-on.

So I sit down in my exam hall, and turns out that he is sitting right in front of me. I catch a whiff of some really expensive D&G crap coming from him, and that's all my body needed to start floating in air. I actually leaned forward once I was done with my papers to catch a few extra sniffs. Needless to say I was looking forward to my next paper just so I could smell and see him again. The second paper didn't go well for him so once it was done he turned around to discuss and we became friends. On the third and last paper, we exchanged numbers.

When the schedule for further exams came out, his schedule coincided with mine on the minutest details. I know it is so ridiculous of me to talk about Josh and then this guy in the same sense, but little things like this make me think that I'm not up for a commitment. We practiced clinical examinations on each other one the day of the paper, and at the end of the paper he asked me if I would like to go out sometime with his friends.

"I guess I could make an effort. Let me know if anything comes up!", I told him. The whole idea of going out with him even if it's with his group of friends is pretty exciting to me. Once again I am on Square One, do I really deserve to be with Josh?

English Please

2011-07-15T11:50:00.000+05:00

As I browse through various profiles on the social networking site, I can't believe on the number of spelling mistakes that are commonly seen on profiles, and let me not even start on the grammatical mistakes. I don't know what is it with me but nothing - and absolutely nothing; turns me off more than a spelling or grammatical mistake except for maybe smoking and drinking. The guy could be sporting a six-pack that you would only see on Men's Health cover models. But if I see something like spelled wrong and written incorrectly I immediately click on 'Next Profile'.

I think I maybe somewhat of a pretentious stuck up brat in this sense, but I really can't help it. I really can't! If you have a solution, please hit me with it in a comment. Please don't tell me to 'explain' it to them. I have tried giving English lessons Online, but my 'students' tend to show me the middle finger and disappear. People even do not want to learn!

I think that's why I have gotten to actually like Josh. I've been on his profile back and forth, more times than I could count. I even know parts of it by heart. LOL!

But yes, from what I have read on his profile and from his message the dude is flawless. I could not pick any grammatical mistakes or spelling errors. I think that's why I hyperventilate everytime I read his messages. I discussed this with Ryan, and he told me that he knows this gay language teacher who's single and very much looking.

"Since when are you into fixing me up?", I asked Ryan sarcastically.

Below are a few words that are often grossly disfigured. If these words had a voice, their screams would be heard the moment you log onto a social networking site.

Honest ( Correct Spelling) - Hanest, Honost, Henest, Onest ( Wrong Spelling)

Sexy ( Correct Spelling) - Saxy ( Wrong Spelling and such an incredible turn off. Self praise is a bummer but improperly spelled self praise is a nausea inducer)

Teenager ( Correct Spelling) - Teenagar ( Wrong Spelling - What is this?! Some jelly version of a teenager)

Discreet ( Correct Spelling) - Discreat, Deescreet, Deascreat ( Wrong Spelling) and Discrete is a completely different word which means Separate.

Loyal ( Correct Spelling) - Loyol (Wrong Spelling - makes me think of Olive Oyl from Popeye)

Special ( Correct Spelling) - Speciale, Spacial (Wrong Spelling)

Horny ( Correct Spelling) - Horney, Harney, Harny ( Wrong Spelling - this one makes me want to throw my computer out of the window)

There are several more but I really could not bare to go through more profiles to make the list. I really couldn't!

I know many of you would think I'm so Boarding School brat after reading this post, however let me tell you that I'm not. My parents aren't filthy rich but we aren't financially struggling either by the His grace. I went to a Convent all the while before my medical school started, and any improvements that have developed in my ability with English are due to my own personal effort. It really isn't a hard language to learn so making an effort to learn it won't kill you.

There's another misconception about guys who post that only those fluent in English may contact. I do see some sense in this matter, however being educated and being literate are two completely different things. A guy I went out with a few weeks ago while isn't really all that great when it comes to English is a real gem of a person.

I have another incident to narrate which completely breaks me up into a hysterical fit everytime I think about it which I will post in a few weeks after exams. I was completely bored so decided to put up a quick post. Hope you guys enjoyed it!

Formspring - June 2011

2011-07-01T10:12:00.000+05:00

As scheduled, here's the post answering your questions for June. There's going to a long silence here onward, except for at PFL as I have decided to publish some of the scheduled posts there that I have previously published here.

Q. Who's your favorite novelist/author?
A. To be really honest, there isn't like just one. I have favorites, but there like ten or something. No particular exists, and they keep changing time to time. Nowadays it's Alex Sanchez!

Q. Who has been your favorite American Idol winner so far?
A. I'm torn between Carrie Underwood and Kelly Clarkson, but judging from my current play list I'd have to say Carrie Underwood.

Q. Earliest gay memory?
A. Crushing on a boy named Andrew in 4th Grade. I didn't know about homosexuality or even what a crush is, but I do remember being intensely fond of him and wanting to be with him.

Q. Will you stop blogging if your boyfriend asks you not to, stating issues being uncomfortable of you sharing details which he considers special?
A. I'd agree to not publish details regarding the happenings between us, but blogging about things that involve strictly me or other people in my life will not come to a halt. If there is something that I think may make him feel uncomfortable, I'd have him read it before I publish it so that I can have his opinion on it.

Q. Have you ever considered being single by choice?
A. I have. At the beginning on the year, I did. But then I met Josh and things seemed to click. But while things are going good with Josh, I'm not entirely feeling the need to get committed to him. It's not that I want to date other guys. I feel a relationship would take time away from more crucial areas of my life that needs my attention, like my studies.

Q. I read in some post that the guy you would date should have same faith, does this mean he needs to be of the same religion?
A. Yes. I would prefer him to be of the same religion, as later on when kids come into the picture there aren't any clashes about the beliefs.

Q. At what age did you first masturbate? And at what age did you bed with a guy?
A. Sixteen and nineteen!

Q. What is your Zodiac Sign and Blood Group?
A. I will not be disclosing my Zodiac because I do not want to. But my blood group is B+!

Q. Can you put on your pants both legs at the same time?
A. Being a person with normal human flexibility and reflexes, I can't. Sorry to dissappoint you!

Q. How active is your sex life? Ever had sex at all?
A. My last moment involving intimacy happened on 12th July 2010 which I mentioned in my post here, and if you are talking about full on sex then that has never happened.

Q. Why do you not write posts on Gracie? Same goes for Amanda. I want to know about the girls in your life.
A. I'm extremely sorry for not having posted any on these beauties since quite a time. I know I have left you hanging on about my coming out to Amanda, and several interesting conversations with her. Gracie and I have made a million memories with all the drama that we have been put through. I have to tell you guys all that. I can't blog any much more than I already do. But I promise if this blog is ever going to shut down, it's not going to happen till atleast I have been over these two lovely ladies.

Q. Did you ever face any problem with a girl pressing themselves for you?
A. Once, and it didn't go well at all. She stopped talking to me when I told her that I am not interested in having any form of romance. I was kind of rude to her, but we made up much later.

Q. Will you date a guy who smokes?
A. Nopes. Never! If he has quit and has shaken off the addiction for good, I'll be fine with that. But somebody who currently indulges in the habit won't get very far with me.

Q. Now that you are putting the 'hunk back in Phunk', has your preference level or criteria for men to be your potential boyfriend elevated?
A. No. I'm guessing you meant physically speaking, and no - it hasn't changed the least. He needs to be good looking enough to turn me on, and my good looks criteria hasn't changed at all. I'm still crushing on the same regular guys I did before I started going to the gym.

Q. I don't know whether you believe in fairy tales or not, but I want to ask you whether if a fairy grants you a wish where in you could become straight from gay, would you ask for a changeover? Do provide us a reason for your choice!
A. Yes, I would. The reason would be alot of things that my family would have to face would automatically be solved. Otherwise I'm very much cool with being gay.

Q. You once mentioned that there was a cat who used to lie outside your room all the time. Isn't it around anymore? And in case I've got this wrong, then let's flip the question a bit; what's your take on the line that gay guys and cats get along well?
A. It wasn't my room, but the room I was living in when I was visiting my uncle. It was my cousin's cat, and judging from the recent pictures I got of a part at their place she's still around. As far as cats and gay guys go, I don't think you can tame a cat. As much as I love cats, I think they're extremely mean creatures.

Q. Do you think there is any man hotter than Phil Fusco?
A. Yes, Paul Walker and Jensen Ackles. Also there is Andy Samberg.

Q. In one of your posts I got an impression that you are out to your mom about being gay?
A. Yup, I am! I think you are talking about this post. Right?

Q. What is your favorite album from 2010?
A. Katy Perry's 'Teenage Dream'. I'm still in love with all the tracks that I liked back when it came out, and I really don't think she would be able to top her 2nd record.

Q. What's is the cutest thing about Josh?
A. His dimpled smile for sure.

Questions that I could answer are listed below because either they were too personal, possibly directly linked to my identity or I could not understand what was being asked.

1. Are you on the Edge of Glory?
2. What is your Zodiac Sign?
3. When will you be graduating?

Before I end, another thing I would like to discuss is the remark left on my Formspring;

Maintaining blogs up to date is sometimes such a pain. For you apparently it's thrice. I've been reading many blogs and get attached to a few of them. A few bloggers out of them have ditched me ( They have stopped blogging) I understand their limitation.

To the gentleman/lady who left this remark I'd like to say that I do not plan to stop blogging right now at least. I have got quite a lot of things to tell the world, the speed may decline as my life progresses because of job and perhaps a family. But if I ever plan to stop blogging for good, I'd leave a post saying so. I would never leave you guys hanging in the lurch. If that ever happens, there is only one possible explanation and that is the Phunk ran out of funk if you know what I mean. Don't worry. I'm around for a very long time!

Exams, Bloggers and Poll

2011-06-24T02:16:00.001+05:00

I'm not sure how many of you know but I have my exams coming up next month, and that's why there has been a decline in postings lately. I really can't believe I'm going to be sitting for exams again, feels just like yesterday when I did my last post about taking a break from blogging.

C&B and PFL are going to remain this way till about the last week of July, but I am not entirely sure. However it is a for gone surety that I will resume posting regularly in August. As for GPY!!! the same fate is going to be presenting itself however I shall be surfacing to post the Formspring questions given to me in June. The post is all ready in the drafts. If anybody has any questions to ask me, there is still time.

It sucks to be studying right now, especially since almost everyone I know is on vacations and is having a complete ball. A few things however still make me pick my chin off the ground, such as gym and Josh. I used to go regularly to my earlier gym, but I had no trainer. This time around I got one and he's fantastic. I dropped 5 kgs in a month and 2 inches off my waist. I'm putting the hunk back in Phunk!

Oh and in case you are thinking that somehow I am doing this for Josh, you can't be more wrong. I'm doing this for myself. I'm doing this to be healthy, and while I can not see the results myself I have been getting comments from people around me that I have lost weight. Yeah, I'm weird in the sense that I do not think I have lost weight even when the scale says that I have. Ever Mr. Ridiculous!

With summer over us in full bloom, I'm extremely sorry that I will not be able to entertain you. However I'm leaving you in the capable hands of some Pakistani gay bloggers that I have come across. Some are old, some are new. Some are still active, some have come to a halt for now. But perhaps increased traffic would get them to start posting again.

I have posted about this blog before, but I think he definitely deserves a mention. I'm a huge fan of his writing, and I really do hope that he starts posting again soon. He took a break for his exams, and from what he told me the break paid off. His exams went well. I'm hoping that a few of you could light his fire and get him to post some new material. My very good friend Aaron Khan's blog, Life.....A Constant Battle.

This blog is relatively new, and unfortunately he's been slow on postings recently. I really like the whole theme of his blog and I'm pretty sure alot of gay guys out there would be able to identify with his life events. He's done four posts till now, and they're all pretty good. I would advice you to take caution as his posts tend to leave one a little light headed from the blood rushes to other parts of the body. And I really do not understand his fascination with the letter 'T'. The What-Not-To-Do Blog for the Average Queer Slut by Average Queer Slut.

Taste Some Gay Salt by Branden was one of my every day clicks last summer. The author of the blog has disappeared off the grid, however he still logs on to the blog time to time. Perhaps a quick E-mail can inspire him to start writing once again. Some of his posts have truly made me envious of his writing style, take this for example.

Not that I am partial towards Karachi, but whenever I come across a gay blogger from Karachi I can't help but scream in ecstasy. And I am quite sure I shattered a few glasses when I came across Feel-o-Rama by Ayaan Khan. I'm not a fan of reading Roman Urdu. But I read his poetry even through all that, cuz they're that good. You simply can't miss out on him.

Fallen Angel is new to the world of blogosphere, and he definitely deserves a spot on the list. I have read his work and I would say that he's got a few tricks up his sleeve. As writers, we put our souls into our works and his blog clearly show that. You can check him out at The World Around Me.

Fallen Angel may put his soul into his work, just like me and many others. But only a few can actually carve a blog out of their soul. Closeted has completely mastered that art, and his writings have possibly moved me the most. I was actually very surprised when I came across his blog on Manjam, but I'm so definitely glad that I did. Especially since he deleted his Manjam ID a day later. His postings are a few and far, but they're so damn good. Also he doesn't resort to cheap under table mechanics like sexy pictures. If you want to get to know a gay man who truly values commitment, The Closeted Blog is the place to go.

The last blog quite possibly needs no introduction. His writings have appeared in various LGBT magazines of the Indian SubContinent, and his LGBT Awareness zeal matches nobody else that I have ever come to know personally. Just like everybody he's had his share of heartbreak, but he wears every one of those scars beautifully. The blog may be titled Confessions of an Imperfect Man, but he really does capture the essence of perfection in the sense that he accepts every form of diversity. The creation of the evil (Kidd'in) Mastermind Hadi Hussain, Confession of an Imperfect Man.

These are all I have for now!

I'm hoping that the next time my exams come around there are more blogs to show case, so if you are planning to start one or want to - DO IT ASAP!

Also if you remember I did a post on how age preference. I missed out on the option "Don't care", so I created a new poll. If you haven't responded to the poll yet, I'd like it very much if you do it now. I hated deleting the previous post but I do believe that there exist guys who do not care about age at all, and I just had to know how many people felt this way.

Issues; No Man Of Mine

2011-06-18T02:41:00.000+05:00

I am a 39 year old Pakistani man living in a foreign land. I have been dating since the past 20 years, basically ever since I came here but have been unable to find anything substantial. My longest relationship has been of about a year and a half, and that was six years ago. I have done everything possible but have been met with failure every single time. Should I give up on dating altogether? Could my disastrous dating life have anything to do with me being Pakistani?

I love your blog. Please never stop writing!

No, I don't think you being Pakistani has anything to do with you still being single. You refused to disclose your location so I have no idea that where you are from and how do the people of that country perceive Pakistan to be. Even if I take into consideration the general negative stigma that surrounds Pakistan and being Pakistani, I doubt it's something so damn concrete that anybody won't be able to shake it off.

Do you get the cold shoulder treatment after you have told them about this piece on you?

If so, perhaps it is the reason. However I sincerely feel that this is no logical grounds of rejecting someone. If that was the case, I would turn down every Indian that came my way. There are numerous factors that come into consideration when people tend to think of someone as a potential boyfriend, and I doubt nationality is something people take into account. Ethnicity perhaps maybe a concern as many profiles sport the 'No Asians' tag quite often. Also let me add that being Pakistani is something you can't change about yourself, you have spent a good part of your life in Pakistan and to have to deny it to get somebody to love you is a grievous crime against your very identity. I'd dump somebody who has such a pin hole view, and he's welcome to his keep his views and the stick he has up his ass to himself.

About you giving up on dating, I am not quite sure how to respond. Don't be offended but some people tend to give off a 'desperate' vibe, and quite often this causes potential boyfriends to run in the opposite direction. Instead of dating, go out on casual meets. First meetings on a one on one basis can be very nerve wrecking, especially in the case of individuals who have been repeatedly rejected. Any gay meets happening in a place near you?

Hit these places with all the confidence you can pile on yourself. Chat up a few people and be sure to be as casual as possible. Nobody needs to know that you may have spotted a potential suitor in them. Once things have hit a comfortable stride, exchange numbers and invite him on a one on one meeting. Nothing should be considered boyfriend potential, until the third date at least.

My next suggestion will probably make you want to kill me, but instead of focusing on a boyfriend focus on friends. And if you still have not felt the need to kill me, have you considered being Single by choice?

I would admit that it may take sometime getting used to, but somebody I know found his love when he decided to be single by choice. He had it all programmed meticulously, and then this guy showed up and pursued him. Obviously my friend weighed his odds before getting into it, but he claims he has been a much happier man since then. I know it's understandable to keep on trying, but sometimes you have to drastically alter your strategy in order to achieve your personal Nirvana.

In any case and whatever may happen; I sincerely wish you the best, do not ever compromise on something that makes you who you are. As I'd read somewhere;

"I'd rather be a first rate version of myself, than a second rate version of someone else"

Lastly thanks for the compliment. It meant alot to me!

Nothing But Cute and Happy

2011-06-13T10:29:00.000+05:00

When browsing Online I can talk with the best of them and probably do it better than most. But my balloon pops when it comes to showing my picture. I'm not the sexiest or the hottest guy you'll ever meet. As I have said in the blog before, the word 'cute' is generally used to describe me. And I don't mind it much.

What can I do?

I was born this way, baby!

One of my earliest memories is from 1st Grade when my Urdu language teacher pinched my cheek and told me how cute I am. Later it was my 3rd and 4th Grade teacher. I think my 5th Grade teacher said something as well, but I don't quite remember it. I was her prize pupil, which I remember clearly. Then I changed schools and my new school gave me the same treatment. For some reason, people loved pulling my cheek. Josh commented on it once as well that I have very 'pullable' cheeks and he's not the only one to say so. There have been others as well. So I had this fact down long before I even stepped into the Online world of cruising.

But now that I came here, the rules of the game drastically changed my perception. I contacted guys and some of them responded back. Sometimes I would get a message out of the blue from some guy who seemed genuinely interested. Everything went smooth and fine up till the time came to show my pictures. Except for the few that I have went out with, the rest either always stopped talking to me or changed in how the would respond to my messages. They didn't need to say it, I knew it already.

It used to bother me so much that I can't put it to words. I could have objected to their dark skin tone, acne, unkempt hair, slight belly or the double chin under development. But I didn't. As much as sometimes I feel repulsed by how someone looks, I do give them a chance to prove themselves as something more. Personality is far more important. What's the use of having a model material boyfriend if he doesn't give you respect?!

I have never asked for model looks but somehow have been blessed with such given my previous boyfriends, Bruce and Nathan. I realized that my problem really has no solution since nearly every guy out there has a six-pack check box on their check list. I resigned to being friends with what I could get and that worked for me. But just for a while!

"Why don't you put up your face picture?", Ryan suggested one day when I told him about my dilemma. "Sometimes guys you never thought would be interested in you, actually do stop for a second look at your profile and things can go somewhere."

"I know, but I can't take that risk. At least not while I am in Pakistan!", I told Ryan. I didn't tell Ryan that my rejection could possibly be due to the junk in my trunk - not that kind!

Then one day while randomly browsing, I was hit with a brilliant but a tad bit desperate idea. I wanted to check that if there was actually something wrong with me so I made a completely new profile. Every single detail on the profile was the same as my original profile. I didn't even change a single word in my 'About Me' section. The only difference between these two profiles was that the new profile held several of my face pictures - the same that I used on my other profiles except that they were hidden and could be only viewed if I allowed the other person to see them. The other difference was the location. This profile didn't state my true location Pakistan. I put down United Kingdom.

Later when I logged on at night, I was actually surprised to see quite a few responses. They were the usual but still a response is a response. These people were fine with how I looked, and some even took the time to read my profile and respond keenly. I added them on messengers and chatted with some of them. These guys liked me. They really did like me!

I changed my profile location to 'Egypt' and got similar result. I didn't exactly get Harem quality but I am not looking for that either. These guys were decent, educated, looking for commitment and good looking enough to turn me on. Why should I care if none of them have the potential to grace Men's Health covers?!

All this was good, but why do I keep striking out in my homeland?!

Could it be because I look Indian and that's something of a rarity in United Kingdom and Egypt?

Certainly not!

So as a last try, I changed my location to 'Bangladesh' and from the meager population that resided there, I got a few responses. One guy really stood above the rest and I really could not believe that he was interested in me. He kept asking for my phone number which I obviously couldn't give him, but I later got an opportunity to talk to him on phone which I will post about later sometime.

But all this proved to me that I look okay if not good. I don't need to worry about how I look, the problem doesn't lie in me. God blessed me with a fully functioning body and I should be happy about it. I should not let my opinion on myself be changed by some guys. It lies in the minds of these guys, and if this is their criteria of judgment then it's a good thing that they kicked me to the curb.

I am not hesitant in sharing my picture anymore. If anybody likes me they have excellent taste and those who don't approve of me, they are welcome to walk around with a stick up their asses.

Do'in It Like Rihanna

2011-06-07T23:40:00.000+05:00

This incident is a few weeks old, but it got lost in the draft posts. Recently somebody left a request to post on a similar topic so I decided it was time to put this one up for everyone to see.

I had been speaking to a guy who contacted me Online since a few weeks. We could not meet because I have been extremely busy in my schedule. There is literally not much room to do anything else besides studying and wanking. Kidd'in!

He seemed very decent from his conversation and spoke very eloquently. I remember that when he contacted me for the very first time, he actually had typed this extremely articulated message. Most people from the dating site can't spell correctly much less craft exquisitely. I responded to the message and we hit it off on a good note.

One of the first things I check before responding or contacting any profile is if the person is 'Single' or 'Married'. His profile mentioned him to be single, so I thought it was all cool. He did not consider mentioning this fact to me till a significant time had passed. Before knowing this we had talked alot, even on relationships. He appreciated the fact that I am looking for a monogamous relation as it is something that most people never bother with. I asked his stance on the issue.

"I'm also looking for a monogamous relationship!", he told me in his follow up message.

No!, I didn't immediately start considering him as a potential boyfriend. I don't get into a relationship simply because the other happens to be single and is looking for a relationship. I prefer letting nature run it's course and only acting upon my feelings once I know that I actually like this guy. But still it felt nice to talk to somebody who shared a similar opinion. Upon that note, he asked me if we could exchange numbers. I sent him my number in response.

A few days later, he text messaged me if I would like to be in a relationship with him. He mentioned that he likes me but isn't exactly sure about it yet. He would prefer that we meet up sometime soon and see how things proceed. I had started to talk to Josh at that point so while I was up for a meeting, I was not entirely sure about being in a relationship with him. However I told him we can meet up sometime soon.

While exchanging messages he mentioned that he needs to go to some place with his parents. Later the next day, I asked him where did he go yesterday to get the conversation ball rolling.

"Dinner at my in-laws", he text messaged me back.

Upon reading his message I went into shock. "You are married?", I asked him. I was more angry that he was married and looking for guys to be in a relationship with than the fact that he lied to me.

"No! Just engaged!", read his reply.

"How come you didn't mention that?", I asked him.

"Does it make a difference?", he asked me.

"Hell yeah! I don't date married guys!", I replied. "And how you could be think of being in a relationship with a guy when you are going to be married to a girl? You are not even married and you are preparing to cheat on her!"

"It's not cheating if it's a relationship!", he replied.

I was way too angry to talk via text messaging so I called him up. "So you plan to be in a relationship with a girl and a guy at the same time?", I asked him.

"Yeah!", he replied.

"And how is that a monogamous relationship?", I asked him.

"One of each!", he replied.

Oh My God. He's one seriously effed up individual. Not only are his notions completely messed up but his English needs some tuning as well. My mind exploded from rage and I cut the call as I let my blood cool down. A few minutes later I shot him a text, "Dude, forget it! I'm not interested in being in contact with you anymore. Goodbye!"

He text messaged me "Okay" a few seconds later but a few days later he wanted to talk and kept on text messaging me. I never bothered to reply to him. I can't risk talking to him again because either I'd kill him or die from high blood pressure. Never in my entire life have I come across someone so seriously messed up. Never ever!

Anymore talk and I would have gone all Rihanna on his ass!

Another part on the same issue will be coming up soon later this week.

Na Na Na Come On - Update

2011-06-06T01:46:00.000+05:00

Okay I know it took me long but the post about my date with Josh is finally up and you can view it here.

I'm turning comments for this particular post so whatever is it that you would like to say drop it there. Once again, I'm super sorry that I took so long. Exams are coming up and I am really terribly busy!

Hope everyone is having a wonderful summer.

Na Na Na Come On

2011-06-04T03:04:00.001+05:00

On 25th May, on a phone call I asked Josh out for the third and last time. Fortunately for both of us, he accepted me invitation to take him out. I have known since quite sometime that I am interested in Josh. Not yet to the extent that I was interested in Nathan but still I am interested in him. I think he picked up on it and delayed the meet, perhaps he was genuine in his excuses - I don't know.

This date was the perfect opportunity to see if he is really interested and for that, I told him to set up half of the date. I would be responsible for the entertainment. Nourishment would be his department. Josh didn't mind the set-up, in fact he suggested that we keep our plans a secret. I liked that suggestion. Things are already looking up, I thought to myself.

"So do I need to bring a spare underwear?", Josh teased.

"You better!", I said playing along his lines. "There might be an accident when you see me!".

"Oh really?", he confirmed. We had a laugh over it and moved on to other random discussion.

"So where are we meeting?", Josh asked on the evening on May 31st.

"Wasn't that supposed to be kept a surprise?", I asked.

"I would need to know to get there!", Josh explained.

I thought for a while and asked him, "How do you feel about a carpool?"

"Carpool?!", he confirmed.

"Bad idea?", I asked.

"Not really. But I'd like to take my car. Don't mind but I don't trust other people's driving easily." Josh told me hesitantly. I didn't mind. Poor guy had been involved in a bad accident two years ago. I do understand his reluctance to trust other people's driving skills.

"Okay, but I get to pay for the gas!", I argued.

"What if I get it filled up before picking you up?", he poked.

"Then you are far more devious than I calculated you to be!", I replied.

"By the way, get ready to listen to alot of Rihanna. Cuz that's all I am playing in the car nowadays!", he warned.

"Don't worry. I'm perfectly good at being bad!", I poked at him.

All this teasing was getting me excited. I can't begin to tell you how pepped up I was for 2nd June. Even in gym that day, I was more energized for some reason. Usually my RPM (Revolution per minute ) is 91, but that day it was soaring at 102. Yowzah!

I'll be putting up the proceeding of the date in a few hours. I already have some typed and you would be able to view it on C&B. Yeah, even though this date would be significantly different from the rest but Josh is still a candidate - leading by a wide margin but still a candidate. Gotta play fair!

Also it was so heart warming to read your best wishes in my Facebook messages and Formspring. Seriously you guys created magic. Thanks a mill for that!

In a quick review Josh said that it was one of the best dates he has ever been on - his words, not mine so I have a good feeling about the date.

What happened on it?!

You'll find it out soon enough!

I'm incredibly sorry for the delay but with exams coming up soon I'm surprised I managed to find time out to go out and much more on the fact that I was able to convince my parents. :P

Formspring - May 2011

2011-06-01T01:38:00.001+05:00

Starting from March, I put up a Formspring for people reading my blog to ask me anything that they would like to know. This time round there are even more questions and some are very interesting, if I may say so myself. Let's see if my answers match up to their spark.

Q. Why are you sarcastic? - Matt
A. I really don't know. I think sarcasm is something that comes automatically as people grow older, but the important thing is to still be optimistic. A little sarcastic humor is good but an attitude that makes people call you Grinch is definitely too much - and I do consider myself to be a very optimistic person.

Q. Do you like watching old classical movies?
A. Nopes. I'm not really a movie person except for Superhero flicks. The oldest movie I remember watching is 'When Harry Met Sally', I found it in my elder sister's movie collection. Although I didn't get it at first but then I watched it again a few years later and I completely fell in love with the line "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible". I'm swooning!

Q. How religious are you? Being Muslim, what stance would you take to support your faith?
A. I would say I'm more spiritual than religious. I believe in Shahada. I try to pray five times a day as instructed but sometimes I tend to slip and let it slide. I would say that I need to be stronger religiously but I'm still somewhat shaky when it comes to my faith.

Q. In some cases you complain your date being reserved, not bold enough to be in a serious relationship, how open are you for one? What do you have to offer, what do you propose?
A. I'd love to be in a serious monogamous relationship - that's why I'm dating and getting myself ready for the moment when I am finally ready to date wherever I settle in life. As for what do I have to offer - everything I can possibly give. I only propose when I am absolutely sure that I really do have feelings for the guy and it's not some silly infatuation. When I'm in, I'm in it to win it *insert Randy Jackson voice here* !

Q. Where you do pick these hot guys from?
A. I was wondering when someone would ask me this. Anyhow so you can find these hot guys from here, here and here. Do follow these blogs if you can!

Q. What all languages you know?
A. Just English and Urdu!

Q. Are you left handed in writing? How good is your handwriting?
A. Yes, I'm left handed. How good?! Hmmm, I would say that my writing has worsened over the years. I think that happens when you enter medical college. Doctors are infamous for having the weirdest writing style ever.

Q. Err.....errrmw :/ .....?
A. Only English or Urdu please. I don't speak shy and neither should you! ;)

Q. Can you please upload a pic of a paper with a writing "With love - Phunk" for me? Please!
A. Here you go!

I even made a lil' heart for you because you said 'Please'!

Q. Do you like pets? If yes, which animal would be your favorite pet?
A. I love pets. I want a pet so bad. I have been asking for one for the longest time ever but my mom has never allowed us to have any pets. My siblings have been begging just as much but no dough. Favorite pet? Hmm anything except for a bird, fish or reptile would be fine by me. I would love to have a golden retriever.

Q. Can you play any musical instrument? What musical instrument would you like to learn?
A. Sadly no, I don't. But I would love to learn how to play a guitar. Believe it or not, it's on the top of my list of things to do. I so badly want to learn how to strum. Guarantee I can't sing, but I still would like to learn how to play.

Q. How did you come up with the name Phunk Factor?
A. Long before I started this blog or my Facebook account for that matter, I had an account on Orkut. Obviously with the issue of identity, I could not put down my real name so I had a profile under the name 'Endorphins'. When someone would ask me about it, I would tell them it's the feel good hormone. To which 99% would respond, "So what will you do to make me feel good?" and I absolutely hated it. So I switched and out of no where my mind came up with 'Funk Factor' but then with the initials of my nick being 'FF', I thought it would be ridiculed in some other brand new way so I mis-spelled funk on purpose to Phunk.

Q. What is the motivation behind your blogging besides your fans? You maintain three blogs updated and reply to all comments, does this work has anything to do with some long term goal of yours?
A. Fans?! Hehehe, for some reason that word makes me feel all flustered and shy. Motivation? Well I always wanted to go into journalism and literature. I have plans on publishing something on paper but that's a long way to go. This is just a start and I think it's a pretty good one!

Q. Why is Pakistan not strict about imposing laws against same sex activities? It should either have a thing as law or not have it, I don't get it's legal stand, it has witnessed open gay parties, government leaders out as gay, gay prides activities?
A. I have taken this up in a separate post and I shall post it very soon, since I want it to be available for everyone to read - you will find it at Phunked Up Life.

Q. Are you a virgin? I mean did you ever do it?
A. That's debatable, but I would like to say that I'm not a virgin.

Q. Are you truly honest at your writing in your blogs? Did you ever fake an experience or alter any reality in your description to make it more interesting or the subject more attractive?
A. I have changed little details like locations at places, so that's one thing. Like at this time, we really did go to a place that serves pizza. It could have been any!, as for the conversation. Some I can clearly remember and put down as they took place, others I worded on my own trying to keep the essence intact. Nothing brewed up!

Q. Can you post the details of your coming out to your mom, the circumstances that led to it and the consequences that followed it. I am keen because even I came out to my parents first and I totally blew it off that I never came out to anyone else later.
A. I have been planning to do that, but those posts will be super extensive. Lots of editing required! But I shall post them once I am done with my exams, which will be by the end of Summer. You will be able to view them at Phunked Up Life as well.

Q. Which came first, chicken or egg?
A. Since the birds are descendant of dinosaurs, I feel the egg came before the chicken. But for a more precise answer, let's hope the chicken crosses the road soon and you can ask it yourself. And stop scaring it by building KFCs!

Q. What is your most crazy fetish?
A. Both us being blindfolded and getting it on!

Q. How did Nathan and Raj get pass the custodial check by your mom your real Facebook account?
A. Beats me! The only logical answer I can come up with is that my mother wasn't Facebook literate at that time.

These were all the questions for the month of May. I could not answer the questions below because either they were incomplete and I didn't know what was asked, or because they were inappropriate.

1. You seem to have a clear or frigid character with no compromises, lately i am finding it difficult to comprehend whats right and whats not, unless in extreme circumstances, but as i was reading your blog it seemed you always knew how to react. Did you eve

Looking forward to next month. Got a question?

Well go ahead, ask me!

For an Hour or Forever

2011-05-29T01:59:00.000+05:00

We may be gay, but we're still men. Men are physical creatures. Therefore we want sex, we need sex, we enjoy sex and we love sex. While we may not enjoy the awesome feature of multiple orgasms like our female counterparts( Darn it!) but that doesn't hold us back from having fun and getting dirty.

There is a very popular saying that women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. To a large extent, I agree with it. Why else in most hook up messages I have gotten since the beginning of time has the other guy mentioning that he has a place or asking if I have one. One person has even gone so far to ask me if he could have my place for a few hours to have sex. There is no denying that men love having sex. Another proof of this fact is that males tends to think about sex after every six or seven seconds.

We're hormonal. Get over it!

Alot of the guys I know; even straight ones, have engaged in some form of sexual activity. While not completely acceptable, it is perfectly normal. However to those who haven't, that's quite normal as well and I actually commend you guys for holding on to yourselves. Bravo!

But what about gay guys? Does a gay guy have a more healthy sexual aura around him? Does a gay guy get laid more often? Does a gay guy have a larger appetite for sex?

My answers to the above would be maybe, yes and no. Maybe we do have a healthier sexual aura surrounding ourselves. Yes I do believe a gay guy gets more sex than a straight guy, but no - our appetite for sex is no more than your average straight guy. But then why do we get laid more often?

Could it be because there is no chance of anybody getting bloated? Perhaps! And quite obviously, we don't have the time of the month situation which our fairer counterparts do( Thank Heavens!). But above all that, I think it's the thought process. With many people not looking for committed but an easy lay, one could take a shot at a particular guy he likes and there is a very good chance that he would be available for some rub-a-dub.

Before Internet hit the world like crazy people hit the stores on Black Friday, some bar or dark shady place was the only place to pick up guys. Absolutely no relationship potential material could be found according to me, if somebody has some story that could change my belief please hit me with an E-mail. If you happen to know people who knew people, you could get invited to some exclusive party. But with everyone locked up tightly in their closets, nothing much happened besides scratching that itch. With the advent of Internet followed services like instant messaging, social networking, cam 2 cam and the latest geosocial conscious facilities have made it ever so easier for the average Joe to send a few messages and get laid faster than you could say 'Karamba!'.

Cell phones have allowed more privacy as two guys could talk as much as they want and make arrangement without anybody finding out what's going on. Everything has become so easy and available that it's a wonder how people can remain celibate. I'm quite probably the biggest closeted slut ever!

I can not put into words how much I feel like jumping the bones of some random dude's profile just to get off. It's the same with a few of my friends. It's nothing short of a miracle that my record has not been tainted yet. Although I would confess that I almost hooked up one day but freaked out at the last second and backed off. However that didn't end up in a good way either, and that's a different post altogether.

I got nothing against guys who like to have sex. Absolutely nothing! It's your life and you are completely entitled to do what you want. I won't even tell you something like 'You all will go to Hell' because that is not for me to decide and I'm no saint either. I myself feel this itch myself and the need to scratch it drives me insane. I do a great Cooter impression when I'm horny! :P

At the end of the decision is completely yours, but just ask yourself do I want someone for just a hour or forever?, and be absolutely sure of the answer.

Ted just got committed and his new boyfriend has quite an impressive record of lays. Ted does have feelings for him but the trust isn't quite there yet. I talked to Ted today and yesterday, because of the issue of there being no trust Ted is thinking of breaking up with him. I tried to talk sense into Ted telling him that he should stick around but be on guard. Time will solve the trust issue hopefully but Ted is still very skeptical about it. To be perfectly honest, I am scared that he may get hurt. But if I was in his shoes, I would take a chance if I really liked this guy.

Lastly if you are into random sex, at least learn to be careful. Even if you are in a committed relationship, always have safe sex!

Hallelujah

2011-05-25T20:55:00.000+05:00

I should have been a lawyer. I seriously should have a lawyer, or maybe something that involves selling something to people. I really should be!

I just got off the phone with Josh and I am very happy to tell you all that I am going to be meeting Josh on 2nd June. This is bloody terrific! I am happy beyond belief, and the cherry on the top of entire cake happened at the end of the conversation. But let me not hurry and tell you everything!

The conversation started out very ordinary. He called me up as sometimes he does out of the blue for small talk when he is too tired to chat. He changed his gym timings from night to evening because he has classes in the morning now and gets off in time for lunch around 2. He asked how is my exam preparation going and I told him it's going okay aside from the fact that I don't feel like studying much most of the time. So I am reading and looking at the diagrams, trying to make notes on the sides of my books and listen to the audio lectures.

"I'll be super busy the next month but I'd like if we can meet up sometime!", I told him. It sort of blurted out, but I was half meaning to ask him out once more for a date sometime in June.

"You want to meet?", he asked.

"Yeah!", I told him. "I have exams in July but I can spare a day for a meet if you are interested. Plus you have exams sometime in August and September, so you would be busy in months after June as well. Sometime in the first two weeks of June sounds good to me!"

"Are you free on 2nd June?", he asks.

"Sure. You?", I asked him.

"I suggested 2nd June, but I'm fine with any date you decide."

"I'm fine with 2nd!", I confirm.

"Fantastic!", Josh has a habit of saying that very often, I have noticed. "2nd it is, and don't get excited now. But I thought you would never ask me again after I blew you off the previous two times!"

"This was my last shot anyways kiddo!", I told him.

"And you will not call me 'kiddo' on the date!" he says sternly.

The date is set, we're still working on the other details. I want something casual, but I don't know what he feels. First dates need to be easy and breezy. If things go well, we can have lots of intimate ones later. What do you say?

I'm SO happy!

Million Dollar Smile

2011-05-18T13:37:00.000+05:00

Quite possibly one of the oddest thing about me is my smile. Not that it's crooked or my teeth are weird, but for the fact that it's infectious. When I talk to somebody over the phone for the first time, they often get the impression that I am smiling while really I am not. A guy recently told me that I have a 'smiling' voice, which is one of the oddest but nicest compliments I have ever gotten. But combine that with my ridiculous habit of breaking down into giggles randomly, I am the perfect specimen for some bipolar lab experiment.

I remember talking to Christian a few years back for the first time ever. He constantly kept asking me what is so good that I'm constantly smiling. "Besides talking to you, nothing else really!", I told him - quite probably with a smile.

Speaking very generally I am a very happy person and quite often I am very optimistic. But perhaps my optimism is unhealthy in the sense that I tend to believe that somehow things will work out and I hope against hope. My little sister often comments on this behavior of mine saying that it is a good thing as it prevents me from getting frustrated and depressed easily. Even Gracie says that I'll make a good doctor in the sense that I tend to give people hope and comfort. Frankly speaking, Gracie's opinion has me scared because what if after giving them so much hope I am not able to cure them. More so since two of my fields of choice are Oncology and Psychiatry where remittance is a very frequent observation.

One of the negative comments that is often launched at me; and I do accept it to a certain extent, is that I am immature. I am inclined to agree with the people who make these comments. I am immature in the sense that at times I let things slide, even though I know better. But I do not think I am immature in the sense that I enjoy living in a joyous fashion where I constantly crack jokes, make quick zips and take pokes. Quite obviously there is a time and place for everything, I respect that. But just because I tend to smile more than an average human being and I have an hearty laugh, does not mean I can't be serious. I just choose to not hang on to the smallest black spots and look towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't preach nor practice the mantra, "Smile, the world smiles with you. Cry, you cry alone!". It's bullsh*t! People close to you are always there for you, through tears and smiles. But let's not shout out to the world in absolutely feverish delight shooting off tangents. That will surely book a one way ticket to a padded room and a strait jacket!

Having a lax attitude is definitely a much required thing when we are often volleyed with disasters both in and out of our personal lives.

Quite possibly the biggest thing that I lean towards is the thought that tomorrow will a better day. I remember there being a notice above all the doors during 4th Grade in glitter - was it all that glitter that caused it to be burned into my mind for life? :p

But I really do remember scoring terribly in a Maths or Social Studies test, I looked up to that sign and somehow it made me feel better. Sure enough the next day, we got our Science test and I scored pretty well. No matter how awful today went, I know for a matter of fact that tomorrow has all the possibility to be awesome and I should not pull myself down.

Another thing that I picked up some years is to slow down. I really needed that! I remember being so relaxed a few days and then when the deadline would approach I would rush head first into work to just get done with it and try to do it to the best possible I could. Somehow in some way I would always fall short and I would absolutely regret not doing it right from the start. One step at a time, I firmly stand by it. It's no wonder one of my favorite songs by Jordin Sparks goes by the same name.

The second thing is still something I need to work on as I tend to still rush things up at times, especially in the relationship department. But work is in progress and let's hope it that I manage to accomplish it. Either ways these keep my smile up like a 100 Watts bulb and if it helps anybody out there - that would be the cherry on top of the sundae. That would be even better if the sundae comes served on the dude below! ;)

I Just May Start to Like Him

2011-05-14T21:32:00.000+05:00

If you want to change the face of the gay community, f*cking come out of the closet and maybe the media would have a broader sense of what being gay is!

- Chris Crocker

I would admit that he actually has a point. The reason feminine gays are so easily spotted is that they stand out and are automatically pointed as gay. And therefore as a result, that's the over all perception most people have of us.

There are masculine gay guys out there. We all knows that. They have dated us. They have had gotten intimate with us. They have loved us. We all say stop hating the gays, but when will the gays stop hating other gays?

I'm officially a follower of Chris Crocker. I too have said something earlier on the same issue here - I just wish mine was as awesome as his!

Freak Wavelength

2011-05-13T22:15:00.000+05:00

A few days ago, Josh asked me if I had a Facebook account. I told him I do have one but am not keen on adding him yet. My mother happens to be on my Facebook and she asks about every contact I have. A new notification of adding friend would lead her to ask about Josh and I can't hide things from her. I'm still wondering how Nathan survived under her radar when she nitpicked every single person I added who had not gone to the same school or college as me. Another thing would be that question about my Indian friends and a few other contacts, which is another thing I can not tell him yet. Facebook leads to complications in my relation always. However we have been exchanging messages through Facebook quite often nowadays.

This has led me to know about facts that have increased my interest in him no doubt. For instance, I know that he plans to move abroad for sure about his graduation which is three years in the future. I have two more years before I fly myself. Similar future plans ensure that none of us have to make much change in the goals we have set for our careers. Furthermore we both have our sights set on the same destination.

We're both enormous music buffs. Katy Perry, Rihanna, Kelly Clarkson, Sugarland, Natasha Bedingfield and many more similar artist. But I am introducing him to alot more artists like Christina Perri, Jennifer Hudson, Katy B, Erik Hassle, Example, Jessie J and Hey Monday. Interesting fact - he was in London last year and he went to an Adele showing. He has a streak that makes him want to be different from the crowd and musically speaking, he doesn't like Lady GaGa or Glee at all. But that's okay! He doesn't mind that I do! He does however claim to occasionally suffer from Bieber Fever. I could tolerate Bieber for him!

Another thing is that he's into blogging. I'm cruel in the sense that I have not told him about mine yet instead I just told him that I used to have a blog about entertainment which is true. I have seen his blog and speaking very honestly, I was floored. Maybe it's the gay man in me talking but if I stumbled across it without knowing anything about the author, I would never be able to guess that the author plays for the same team that I do. Plus all the black looks so sexy!

Generally I catch my fair share of attention and exchange messages with guys quite often, however eight out of ten times guys don't talk to me at all or talk but not flirt after seeing my pics. It used to bother me alot at first but now it bothers me just a little. With Josh that's not the case! He was still very interested after exchanging pictures with flirting, the 'Good Morning' and 'Good Night' messages.

Another cool thing about him, he loves kids! He's the youngest amongst his siblings and that too with quite a gap. Both of his elder sisters and one of his elder brother is married and have kids, he loves spoiling the little critters. I know this doesn't exactly mean he wants kids but it is a small indication that in future there is a chance that it might be a possibility. Plus something I learned from being with Nathan is that you don't push the topic of kids in the first 3 years at least - if you make it that far!

He is not out of the closet yet but wants to come out. He's waiting for the right time to tell his family. Obviously I'm not going to push him to come out because that's something everybody does on his own terms at their own ease. But at least he has the mindset to do so. He's very clear that he doesn't want to lead a life where he bumps in the night and gets bumped in the day. Once he's done with his education and is stabilized he will come out. I asked him about it to find out why does he plan to do that and I must say I was extremely pleased with the answer I got.

Another thing is that I'm not very keen on anal or oral sex. I don't like the taste of dick in my mouth and if I don't plan on doing it, I don't expect my partner to do it either. Same thing applies to anal intercourse - I have a firm opinion that love doesn't need penetration. And guess what?!

Josh is another freak like me! I literally did a crazy dance when I got to know about this most amazing piece of information. It was like this bubble of happiness rose from my heart and escaped from my mouth in laughter.

The kink in my flower vine?

I have been feeling that Josh is far too much still involved in his ex to even consider me. But as I mentally listed all these facts in my head, I began wondering if it would be wise to stash Josh into the friends zone. Theoretically speaking, we can make a good couple. There are no huge compromises to be made. But all this is only good if Josh realizes the same things and asks me out or accepts my invite for a date. Let's see what unfolds!

Did Anyone Else Tear Up Even a Little?

2011-05-11T01:02:00.000+05:00

To celebrate love and happiness and loyalty and in my opinion, a little bit magic. To bring together two exceptional and beautiful human beings!

Issues; Show Me The Money

2011-05-09T23:07:00.000+05:00

I met up with this guy for a hook up and he was really good. I met up with him a few weeks later again and then a few weeks later again. After we got done, he asked me if I could help him out with some financial problems. He needed to pay his tuition fees which I could easily afford, so I helped him out. A few weeks later he asked me for help again. I helped him again because I thought we are friends. I asked him a few days later if he was free for another hook up, he turned me down saying that he is really busy. I let it slide. Lately it's been happening that everytime I ask him out, he would ask for money. One time he even offered himself to me on the condition that I can do anything I want with him but I need to pay him first. So I'm wondering where is this actually headed? Is he an escort?

A couple of questions like this are on my mind and I don't know exactly if I should ask them or not. And more importantly, is it time to pull the plug on this so-called friendship?

Here's the first thing about paid sex - if and if only is the other person involved in the business and he/she has made you aware of it, should you pay for utilizing this service. You do not pay for a hook up. You do not pay a 'friend' for sex. If this guy does indeed have a problem and he would have asked you for money outside the premises of the bed, I think it would have been okay for you to help him out. But with all that has happened between you two, even if he is not an escort - he becomes one for you! Real escorts mention it on their profiles because they are in purely for the money. Don't let him ridicule one of the oldest profession on Earth that is being spoiled by complete amateurs!

LOL!

Basically he knows you will pay for sex, so he asks you for money when you ask him for sex. Even in the most desperate situations, he would want to be paid for sex. It's pretty clear how he sees your relationship with him to be!

You need to cut him off as quickly as possible. Do not contact him. Do not give him any response for a few days - at least two weeks minimum. Once this time period has passed invite him over but not for sex, and make this very clear to him that you do not want sex from him. Wank as much as you think you possibly can in order to eliminate any libido explosions during the meet up. Keep it strictly non-sexual!

It's best that he brings up any sexual topic and when he does, you tell him strictly that you are not interested in giving him money. You helped him out once or twice because you thought he was your friend but that's not how he sees it. Don't use the word 'escort', whether he is one or not, I don't know. But I don't think he would like to be identified as one. After the meeting, never ever look back.

No matter how much he pleads or begs and is willing to fulfill your dirtiest fantasies, you should not give in to him. You fall even once, he will know that he can break you if he tries hard enough and if he is dumb enough, he will try every possible thing to do so. Besides the fact that prostitution is completely wrong, he needs to realize that he should not sell his body for money. Perhaps he has other people who treat him the same but at least you can have a clear conscious that you did not encourage this behavior from him.

Issues; Young & Unfabulous

2011-05-04T19:50:00.001+05:00

I started dating a few months ago and I am extremely disappointed with the results. Everybody that I contact or contacts me wants to bang me. All of my friends have girlfriends and they all say it's great to have someone. I have been feeling very depressed lately and I think that's because I have not ever experienced being in love. I'm eighteen and extremely frustrated. Am I looking in the wrong place or is there something wrong with me?

No, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everybody wants to feel loved and we all do search for someone to love at some point in our life. But I think at 18, your much too young to be in a relationship. Plus having a boyfriend opens the door to a whole different kind of problem. I do understand your desire to couple, however 18 is barely enough to get involved into something serious.

Your friends are straight. Their girlfriends are from the same school. In my opinion, it's not love but sort of a right place, right time kind of thing with them. Half of these couple won't survive by the time they graduate anyways. I'm not being sarcastic but telling you quite honestly from my experience. Another thing is that your friends being straight, you can never really discuss with them about how great it was to be out with your guy the past weekend. I would also not recommend you changing your boyfriend's sex for the sake of discussion. Firstly it would be a huge insult to him and secondly you might get so excited in telling your friends about your latest adventure that you may actually say 'He' or 'Him' by accident. A few slips like that and someone sharp enough in your surrounding may sniff out the truth.

Also consider this a friendly warning, anything below 19 years old in the Online world is generally perceived as a twink and the first thing about twinks is that they should be creamed. So do the maths - most guys would want to bang you no strings attached. Your best shot at something serious is with someone closer to your age and favorably with the similar experience.

Lastly love doesn't come by easy. Having already put myself out there and having read countless other people do so, I'm telling you that it takes a very long time to find something worthy. Your best bet would be to look for friends and if by chance you come across someone you genuinely like then you take the chance. But even then it's a gamble. Plus this need of yours to have someone, a friend can fill that need just as much by being a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen to. As my dear friend put it;

'Lovers come and go. Friends stay forever!'

Your 18 and fabulous! I really don't think you need a boyfriend right now. At Eighteen, I used to make fun of my friends who were committed and I never failed to tick a few off. At 18, you are going through a very crucial career deciding part of your life. A boyfriend could provide a casual comfort or a disastrous distraction, 'cuz believe me - a boyfriend comes with it's own set of trials and tribulations. Think about it!

Formspring - March & April 2011

2011-05-01T00:45:00.000+05:00

As mentioned in a previous post I have set up a Formspring and at the first of every month I would be putting up the answers to the questions asked. So here are the questions that were asked in March and April. Hope you enjoy reading!

Q.What was the best concert you went to?
A. Personally I have never ever attended a concert except for my local school band back when I was in A Levels and it was hardly any fun at all. The guitarist and the drummer couldn't get their act together, plus the vocalist had a serious case of nerves. No fun at all!

Q.When was the last time you gave flowers?
A. February 28th! It was a friend's birthday and she especially requested to not get anything, but obviously I couldn't go without anything so I gave flowers and a card.

Q. Most people like you (Sort of), especially bloggers like to pose themselves on their blogs, as they mostly like the attention they are getting via their writing, why don't you? Is it because of the anti-gay community you are living in? - Roy Hall
A. Excellent question, Roy! And excellent observation! Yes, that's why I have not put up my picture on my blog. Perhaps sometime in future I may and it won't be a naked one. But yes, I have not put up a picture that reveals who I am because of the community I live in.

Q. Lol...your poll on 'Age of your partner' missed out on people who fall in this category: 'Age doesn't matter!'
A. Perhaps but I don't think such people exist. Age is a factor everybody considers, in my opinion!

Q. Hi! I have a question. Why don't you put up adds, make some money..:)
A. Hi to you too! That's actually a very good idea but I don't like the idea of adds littering up and popping between my writings.

Q. How can you be so sexy?
A. I'm flattered that you perceive me to be sexy. But to be perfectly honest, it's not me. You find me sexy, so I guess the answer truly lies with you.

Q. Did you like Lady GaGa's Judas?
A. Nopes, I didn't like Judas at all. It sounds too much like Bad Romance which is one of my favorite songs of all time so it makes me feel that there is absolutely nothing original in it. More importantly with all the biblical references, I didn't feel at ease listening to it - something about that song creeps me out. Especially the line about washing his (Judas) feet with her (GaGa) hair!

Q. A wants to be good friends with B wherein A has dumped B, and A has moved on and B is still trying to move on, but somewhere still has feelings for A.
A. I think A should respect B's feelings and put a halt to their friendship for however long B desires. If A truly wants to be friends with B then he would be willing to be friends once B has completely gotten over him/her. It is going to be much harder for B since the dumpee always has more work to do in most cases.

Q. Do you believe in love at first sight?
A. Absolutely not!

Two questions I didn't answer were;

1. What is the farthest you've ever shot your wad? - Trey Tomorrow
2. How often do you jack off?

Got a question?

Go ahead. Ask me!

I Could Have It All Wrong

2011-04-29T09:45:00.000+05:00

I'm getting sort of irritated now by all this drama that's brewing up. I have not even indicated any signs of interest except that I am being nice despite all his pokes at my relation with Nathan. I have been patient up till now but I don't see it going anywhere. I want to take another chance and ask him out so that if he says no once again, I can simply be done with it once and for all. But my mind keeps saying that it's way too early to ask him out again.

I have started playing the same game he is playing. I don't reply to his text messages immediately. If he says he wants to talk, I do talk but I keep it as short as possible. Yes, I crack jokes and I flirt. I ask him how was his day and I try to ask how his sister's pregnancy is coming along if I can. Perhaps I am asking him too much, but for a fifteen to twenty minutes call I think it's pretty appropriate. Even more so since I have to make all the conversations and guide it.

Ryan was very happy initially when I told him about Josh. He was glad I found someone who was willing to in a relation and who happened to be in Pakistan. "So has he ever been in a relation before or are you going to pop this cherry?", he said with a smirk.

"As far as he's told me, he has not been in a relation!", I told him point blank after ignoring his last remark.

"Impossible! He's 20 years old and he's been on that dating website for two years. He's lying to you when he says he hasn't been committed.", Ryan voiced.

"I don't know. Perhaps that is true. But it's best that I give him time to tell me himself rather than go all Phunk on his ass and make him confess the truth.", I told him. A few weeks later he told me himself that he has been committed once but they broke up. From how he said it, I had a feeling that he's still not entirely over it but I didn't ask him any 'when' and 'how' questions. It's a completely different story altogether for some other day perhaps.

I don't mind that Josh has an ex. Most guys do! I have dealt with ex before and I honestly don't mind. I don't mind putting myself in a guy and making him realize that he may have had a great guy in the past but now he's got me and I'm much better! :D

LOL!

Okay well not entirely like that. But yes, I honestly don't mind. He may have many memories from his past relation, but with me he will have new ones. Isn't that is what dealing with a new person is about?. I do try my best and I have enough faith in myself that if I want to make someone feel special, I can pull it off pretty well. I don't claim to be the perfect boyfriend. Heaven helped Nathan with some of my annoyances. I know the things I did wrong and would definitely try not to fall in the same pits with Josh. However if that person isn't even considering to give me a chance then what do I do?.

I have a test on Monday or Tuesday, don't exactly know the date yet. Till then I am going completely cold turkey on Josh. After that I'll see his reaction to the absence and then I'll make a decision if I should ask him once again or not.

Did I Tell You About The Time I Almost Got Someone Fired?

2011-04-24T18:28:00.003+05:00

Sometime during 2003, my parents decided it was time to get a second car. With my dad away for work most of the time, the second car was supposed to stay at home for any errands that my grandparents would need to run. Since my mom used to work during the day, we hired a driver. He came through the reference of our maid at that time. In Pakistan, menial work comes cheap and just about everybody can find somebody to do it.

He was in his early thirties and married. At first, his duty was fixed from 9 AM to 5 PM. A few months later, we got our house renovated and my mother suggested that we should build a room for him. My father didn't like the idea of having a driver 24/7 but mom explained that in case of any emergency if my father is not here, somebody has to be here. I was sixteen at that time, well below the age to get the driving license. My father agreed and our driver got a nice salary bump with a place to stay.

I was in my final year of O Level at that time and had evening tuitions of some subject or another almost daily. I needed the car so it was left at my disposal every evening except for Sunday. Obviously I used to go and come back with the driver. It was during this time I got to know him really well. As time passed, my ease with him grew. He was the one person who told me whatever I asked.

"Why don't you have a girlfriend?", he asked me one day.

Now obviously I didn't expect him to understand that I was gay nor did I want him to know. "I don't want one!", I told him.

"So what? If you don't want one now, you would want one later!" he told me. "Start working on it from now so that in due time you'll be able get from her what you seek!"

"Seek? What would I seek from her?", I asked in amazement. Don't be surprised! I was quite probably the first-quality mix of stupidity, curiosity and innocence that you would find in a 16 year old.

"Sex, man! What else?!", he told me point blank.

Oh My God! He said it! He said the 'S' word!, my mind started screaming. I guess he picked my thoughts from the look on my face.

"Don't you know about sex?", he asked me.

I turned the deepest shade of red from embarrassment. At that time all I knew about sex was it involved something called a vagina and a penis. I had no idea what was an orgasm or the related complicated things about sex. I would admit that I was curious. I had friends who talked about it but I didn't dare to ask anything in fear of being ridiculed. Asking my father was completely out of question.

"What the f*ck do they teach you in school?! I f*cked a woman for the first time when I was sixteen. She was an older woman in our village. My older brother took me to her and she taught me everything I needed to know. She had fun teaching too, you know. She taught alot of my friends and cousins as well!" he told me with great pride.

I covered my groin with my bag hoping that he would not guess about my erection. I was embarrassed and excited all at the same time. "Don't worry. I shall teach you all about sex. I'll make a player out of you!", he said with a smile.

From that day on, every evening en route to my tuition center my Sexology 101 class took place in my car. I credit him to all the knowledge I have on every thing from masturbation, lubrication, straight sex, deflowering and just about every other topic you could think of. I never dared to ask him anything along the themes of homosexuality. But I guess with time he felt comfortable telling me just about anything and with time, he told me just about everything he possibly knew.

"How come you don't have a girlfriend?" he asked me one day again.

"I told you already, Uncle. I don't need one!"

"You are stupid. Have you ever noticed how many girls notice you?!", he asked me. I was too embarrassed to answer that question. "If you stop hanging out with your friends, you would notice how many girls take notice of you and would be with you if you make a play for them!"

At this point, I was far too embarrassed to even look at him. I was looking out of the window. There was silence in the car for a while. "I don't want to talk about this!", I told him sternly. This was the first time ever I talked to him strictly. After that, the same topic was never brought up for discussion.

A while later, his wife became pregnant and she forbid him to touch her. He told me very openly that he's feeling very horny these days. I didn't bother to ask for details. He mentioned the same thing a few more times and I didn't respond to it at that point either. I could offer no suggestion, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Phunk, can I ask you something?", he asked me one day when we were going to tuition.

"Hmm!", I said in response.

"Don't mind but I want to have sex with you!", he told me placing a hand on my thigh.

I was shocked beyond words to even reply to it. I seriously had no idea he would spring this on me. I was already familiar with the concept that older men liked to prey on teenage boys to fulfill their sexual needs. And above all, I thought he was straight. "Are you interested in guys?", I asked him in surprise.

"No but I need release. I have told you all I could about sex, now it's time to show you!", he told me with a smile. The same smile that seemed warm at so many incidents before this suddenly seemed evil. "This way we both can have what we want!", he added.

"What made you think I want sex?", I asked him.

"Darling, every teenage boys wants sex even if he doesn't know it yet!", he told me with the same smile. I think it was at that point I developed a cringing attitude towards the word 'Darling'.

I couldn't stand to be in the same space alone with him. Fortunately for me, we reached our destination and I had to go. His words kept bouncing around in my head the entire night. I will not lie and say that I didn't consider it. But the thought of him already being married, with 2 children and another one the way and most importantly it would be just sex. Something I didn't want! It would be over in a moment and would never be how I wanted it to be.

I denied upon his offer the next day, telling him that his wife would deliver in a few months and then she will be available once again to him. Somehow he got the idea and backed off. A few months later his wife gave birth to a wonderful baby girl. She was christened with the name I had suggested to our driver. I was very proud and I had very much forgotten about his offer a few months ago.

A few months later, he asked me the same question. "Why? Is your wife pregnant again?", I asked him in shock.

"No, she's not. But I want to try something different!" he told me. He placed his hand on my thigh once again and took it all the way up to my crotch.

I screamed louder than I could ever imagine. I pushed his hand off myself and told him to keep it to himself. I was supposed to go to my tuitions but I was in no mood. I told him to take me back home. All the way back, he was pleading me not to say anything to my mom. The maid who worked at our place happened to be the mother-in-law of one of his sisters. If news would spread his family would be disgraced and he would never be able to find employment ever again, and that he has little kids to take care of. His wife is not liked by his sisters, and if he goes to jail then there would be no one to take care of his family.

I didn't say anything to his pleading. As soon as I got home I went to talk to my mom so that I could tell her everything about it. But she was busy talking to some guests. I retreated to my room and stayed there till I could talk to her. When she came up, she was in a very bad mood. I was in no mood to tell her about my day, "What's wrong?", I asked her.

"Our driver just quit!", she told me. "He's leaving tomorrow for his village. Where do I get another driver on such a short notice?"

"Calm down. We will get one in due time. We can last a few days without a driver. I will take the bus and the groceries!", I told her. I didn't tell her about what happened earlier with me and to date she still doesn't know. He left the next day before I could get back from school and I didn't care.

I developed such a hate for such people from that very day that I can't describe. The next driver that we hired, I planned to keep a strict eye on him. However he has proved himself to be an excellent human being. Very reserved, respectful, obedient and gentle - he really doesn't bother on talking about anything other than politics and cars.

This post was something I planned on doing since sometime but I think it's the right time now. I have done a post earlier on Child Pornography, now it's time to talk about the Child Abuse that doesn't make it to our monitor screens. And this starts now!

It's my little bit to start something I have wanted to do since quite some time and this is the perfect place to start!

There's a First Time for Everything

2011-04-22T02:01:00.001+05:00

With Ryan back from his trip to USA and Canada, life seems to be getting back to normal surely and slowly. A few weeks age, we observed an annual tradition of ours - Poondi. Poondi as far as I believe is the Punjabi word for 'Checking Out'. Although we do poondi just about every single day whenever we can but this particular poondi is special for a very specific reason. This poondi is solely to scourge the freshmen for potential fantasies we may conjure in lonely moments.

Every October/November, our university opens it's gates to a whole new crop of meat. Every November/December we have our exams. October goes by extremely busy with our heads buried in books preparing for the upcoming exams. All the time we are in college is spend in the library or in some lecture hall - if we're extremely lucky we manage to sneak into one that is! So like I said, there is absolutely no time for anything else.

The new term started last month, however Ryan wasn't in Pakistan so poondi was long forgotten besides that of my regular favorites. Yesterday we were sitting outside the cafeteria waiting for the girls to fetch us the goodies. We were being treated as we won the bet that New Zealand would beat South Africa in 2011 ICC World Cup. "So any new crushes?", Ryan asked me suddenly.

"In college?!", I asked. "I don't know! Haven't really noticed anyone in particular!" I told him.

"Who's stopping you?", he nudged.

I laughed. "No one!", I told him. "Nobody really stood out to me!"

"Picky!", he teased.

"I'm not picky!", I defended myself. "Besides you can't choose who you are attracted to!"

"Do another scan!", he said punching my shoulder. Disapprovingly I started looking around to see if any of the freshmen grabbed my attention. As I was scanning the college grounds I realized that there was nobody down there that I was attracted to. There was really not a single guy that stood out above the rest or made me go back for a second look. I could really not believe it. Not a single crush!

This was amazing beyond words. I was especially embarrassed after crushing on the six crushes from the class before the new one and the twin brothers, who moved away last week (Did they got wise to all my personal evening poondi?!). LOL! But seriously, I am not lying about those six guys. I swear it seemed last year they had given admission to guys worthy of putting in a Levis campaign.

"None! I am not attracted to anybody!" I told him with a smile, "You?"

"One!"

"Who? Who?" I ask him looking around hoping to spot him before Ryan could tell me.

"Her", Ryan says gesturing towards a girl dressed in yellow clothes. She looked good. Tall, slender, bronze colored skin - I would get rid of the blond highlights. But in any case, I was so not expecting Ryan to point towards a girl and I was not at all expecting me to be not crushing on a single new guy. I guess there's a first time for everything!

Now if only my first time can be with him - provided we're truly deeply madly in love, you know. C'mon, I am shallow and pretty crazy, but even I have limits! :p

Call Me Old Fashioned

2011-04-20T02:26:00.001+05:00

While talking on phone last Sunday, Josh was inquiring about Nathan. Talking about ex with potential boyfriends has always been something I still am not comfortable with and that's why I have never told any guy I went out with about Nathan or Bruce, unless I was interested in him and felt that he should know. The other case would be that we're pretty solid friends. I don't hide anything but people tend to get the wrong impression sometimes that I may still be harboring some feelings from the last guy. I explained clearly that it's over and it's been quite sometime since it got over.

"So when did the two of you first make out?", he asked.

"On our four month anniversary!", I told him.

"What?! You guys waited four months for the first kiss?!", he was in complete shock.

"Well, before that he was not in Pakistan so I really don't think we had any other option!", I told him. I was feeling so bloody awkward that I can't put it to words.

"So if he was in Pakistan, then when would it have happened?", he asked.

I already knew my version of the answer in my head, but I felt that I didn't need to tell everything yet. "It isn't completely upon me to decide when it would have happened. It would have been sooner definitely, but planned or spontaneous I don't know!"

I felt my answer was perfect. Quite obviously only complete fools would force themselves upon their partners. I would have taken up Nathan's opinion on the matter. Besides with Nathan there was a completely difference scenario as compared to what could possibly happen with Josh. Nathan was from a different country, so meeting was not an option. With Josh living in the same city as me, meeting is very easy if he ever agrees to it. There are so many restaurants and even a mall near to his place that it's unbelievable. Plus there is an amusement park which completely sucks but the only thing we plan to ride is each other. LOL!

For me, it depends upon my chemistry with the guy. I have to be at ease. I can't be a bundle of nerves when I'm making out. More importantly I need to know that the other guy is genuinely interested. I don't want to be taken along for a ride where things happen only to find out that they meant completely different than what I had experienced. Nobody touches my junk but my one and only!

It's not some silly trick to put the other guy under pressure, but it is to ensure my own personal emotional safety. Also with two of us being in the same city, I don't want to crash into a sexual frenzy with Josh where both of us are feeling frisky every time we meet. I've seen, heard and read this happen so many times to so many couples - both straight and gay. When everything starts it's all sparks and steamy kisses, it's perfectly natural to be passionate. The fire burns high and the fire burns deep. But a couple of months down the lane, things start to feel less special and more predictable. Eventually one or the other person gets bored and decides to break up. It's all good if that's what they both wanted - a mutual physical love for a time being. But it's not what I want. I want something that exists outside the premises of the bed and to go on. But in such cases, guys like me are left high and dry. Makes perfect sense to take every precaution possible!

I asked Josh when did he first kiss his first boyfriend. "The day we decided to be together!", he replied in a very casual tone.

His answer definitely raised my eye brows, but I decided to keep an open mind. It does sound perfectly okay. They both accepted mutual feelings of affection towards each other so why not seal the deal with a kiss. It could have happened in a moment of passion.

I think I haven't made it clear to Josh that he should not expect physical intimacy anytime soon. I'm fine with holding hands and a hug if I can get one, but anything else will have to wait. And absolutely nothing will happen on the first date if that ever comes into being. It's not that I need the other person to say 'I Love You', but his simple actions can make it click for me. Who doesn't like making out?! But making out with someone special is most definitely better than something only half passionate.

-----------------------------------------------------

A very dear friend of mine and a reader of my blog is lately facing some turmoil where he's torn halfway between hope and despair. I can't disclose details or his identity, but to anybody reading this I want to request that you wish him the best. May God have scripted his life to his best interests! May he always be not only satisfied but happy with what he is blessed with!

- Amen

Ask Me Anything - Quick Update

2011-04-17T15:57:00.002+05:00

I have been meaning to post this since quite sometime now but it somehow always kept slipping my mind. Stupid me!

Abit after turning one, I decided to open a Formspring account. My followers or anyone who happens to randomly come across my blog randomly can send me any questions they wish to ask. At the first of every new month, I will answer all the questions submitted the month earlier.

In case there is some question I can not answer, it will be listed at the end of the post in red. But knowing myself, only the super personal questions would be turned down.

Personally I would have completely forgotten about it but I got an email yesterday that I have six questions pending and I was like 'WTF?!', which brings forth my apology to those who have already asked me something. I will be answering to all questions submitted in March along with the ones asked in April. I promise!

Formspring enables you to ask questions anonymously if identity is something you would like to keep hidden.

Plus this will give me a chance to put up really hot pics like the one below without really finding an appropriate post for it. There is a method to my madness - and you better believe it!

You can locate the Formspring box at the right side of the screen in blue. I have made a similar one for Coffee & Boys but the answers will be posted here. Hope everyone is having a fun weekend!

Josh

2011-04-16T20:28:00.003+05:00

Two posts ago I mentioned in an entry that there is a new guy I am sort of interested in. Now I am telling you that I'm definitely interested in him, and that I am not quite sure exactly if he's interested in me or not. I keep getting mixed signals from him which is probably the worst thing about this whole dilemma.

The thing that sort of makes me very dubious about this whole thing that he's younger than me. He's three years younger than me, but so far he hasn't done anything that would make me want to gift him a laser watch on his next birthday. Plus it's more about the person's mental maturity as compared to his physical maturity, which is again something I am trying to do despite the fact that Amanda telling me that I don't need to. According to her, I am mature than most of the neanderthals she has known in her life. She's a sweet heart, I tell you - not that I was already aware of it!

The main thing that keeps bothering me that I am getting the hot and cold treatment from him. Like he would initiate a conversation by text messaging and then disappear half-way. He would apologize for falling asleep half-way which has led me to making sure that he sleeps on time. A few days ago I caught him Online at four in the morning, trying not to be paranoid I asked him about it the next day. I wasn't concerned that he might be chatting up with some other guy but that he was awake when he should be sleeping. He would sleep only two frigg'in hours a day if he had his own way. It's not that he has alot of studying to do, it's because he can't give up on any of his extra-curricular activities. When I told Ryan this detail, he could not help but roll his eyes at me and give me a lecture on how I starting baby-sitting every guy I come across even before I get seriously involved with him. "The only person you are allowed to baby-sit is me!", he said. I could not really make out if he was serious or being funny.

The best part is that he's flirting - on his own. But I am not quite sure how to respond to most of his quips. my flirting skills seriously need a tuning. We share a very similar passion for music. A few weeks after Lady GaGa released 'Born This Way', I got a message from him saying;

Doesn't matter if you love him,

Just put your paws up

'Cause, you were born this way Phunk

On a side note, he doesn't know about 'Phunk Factor' yet and I don't plan on telling him for quite sometime. He replaced 'Baby' in the lyrics with my real pet name which sort of sounds very close to the original word. Perhaps I am reading too much into this!

Then he has already starting messaging me in the morning, and replies to my good night messages. I wasn't entirely sure to spring up on this band wagon. Nathan and I did the same but upon getting into the relation.

As mentioned earlier that I haven't told him about 'Phunk Factor', but happens to know about everything else to me that there is. I have told him I was committed twice before and that I am out to a couple of friends. I have gay friends who know me by identity. Anything that could possibly freak him out and push him away from me is already out on the table except that I own a blog. If somehow he was to come across it, I have a feeling that he could put one and one together and make two. However I will not be telling him until I am absolutely sure that we are committed in a monogamous loving relation.

Somethings about him are throwing me completely off. Manjam, where I find guys from, offers a free membership. If you happen to be a free member, you can send a fixed number of messages every twenty four hours. Only once somebody has approved your friendship request can you send him as many messages as you want. He replies to my messages five to six hours after reading them. I don't know if he's genuinely busy or he forgets about them or he's playing some sort of mind game. I'm hoping it isn't the last option because I hate mind games and those who play them just as much. I don't bother with it because dating is already pretty confusing without all this petty foolishness. I reply when I go Online, if I can't I tell him that I'm busy but I'll reply to his message as soon as possible. Maybe I come off as desperate by this manner.

Secondly I have asked him out twice, both times he turned me down. I don't plan on asking him out for a third time. If he is interested, he would ask me. I am not asking him for the third time at least not anytime soon. It's not like he doesn't meet guys, he has met a couple of guys from what he told me.

All I can do now is hope and be as normal as possible. I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up and not fall in love with him. If this doesn't work out, moving on would be alot easier. But let's see how this man drama unrolls!

Light A Candle

2011-04-12T23:24:00.000+05:00

How does this make advertisement you feel?

Angry?

Frustrated?

Sad?

Disgusted?

All of the above?

What does this make you do next?

Light a Candle?

I'm hoping it does!

Amanda

2011-04-11T21:07:00.001+05:00

Amanda is a class younger than me but from how close we are and how much we talk during any particular day nobody would ever be able to guess that we belong to completely different classes of my university. I never really noticed Amanda before I got to know her. I had seen her walking around college but she never grasped my attention, although she is somewhat of a head turner.

We're pretty close friends now, however our friendship happened by chance. When I was going to States in 2009, she happened to be on the same flight as me. But she would be with me till my stop in UK. She had to change airports for her next flight. I didn't even spot her at the airport. It was actually the first time ever I would be going air anywhere so I was excited and nervous all at the same time. Also I was traveling alone, which made me even more cautious about the things going around me and not so much about what others are doing. She spotted me quite early on but approached me when I was sitting in the waiting lounge. I'm kind of shy around new people but fortunately for us, she's quite a talkative person. By the time we were boarding, we were chattering like we had known each other since quite some time. "Can I sit next to you? I don't want to get stuck with someone I can't talk to!" she asked me excitedly.

"I don't mind but I don't think that's possible! Our seat numbers are entirely different!", I told her disappointingly. Even I would have loved it if we were together.

"I'll just ask who ever is sitting next to you, or you can ask who ever is sitting next to me! People are generally nice and don't mind exchanging seats! Nobody really cares, unless they have a window seat!" she chirped away. I really didn't know how to respond to it, but she asked this big tall dude if he would be willing to swap seats with her - with a smile. He didn't mind!

"I'm sitting by the window but you can have it!", I told her politely.

"Oh no! You're traveling by air the very first time so you deserve a window seat. Now sit!"

I'll admit I did want a window seat but had to be gentleman, so I asked her. "Did you know that I used to have red hair?", she asked me sometime during the flight.

"I just started to get to know you about an hour ago, how would I know?!", I told her as a matter of fact.

"Oh yeah! Anyhow my family forced me to dye them black so that I won't stand out in a crowd!", she told me playing with her hair.

"You still stand out in a crowd!" I told her making a reference to her height. She's freakishly tall for a girl. She's 5'10. Girls rarely go above 5'7 or at least the girls I generally hang around with. Next to them, she's like an amazon.

"Well yeah, but they really could not do anything about my height. Thank Heavens! I would hate to be short!", she complained.

"Thanks for the morale boost!", I spat back.

"Aww no! You're cute!" she complimented. I think I must have turned all shades of pink on spot. The only girls who had openly complimented me on anything were from my family, so this was a completely new territory for me. Our flight to Bahrain was of 2 hours, but we stayed up talking about just about everything. I don't remember how exactly but our chemistry rapidly grew when we started talking about Ugly Betty. We shared a mutual love for Amanda and Marc, but then most Ugly Betty watchers feel exactly the same.

In Bahrain, though we were staying at the same hotel during our 18 hour stop but we were in separate rooms. We had lunch and dinner together, and watched TV for a while in her room when she called me up. I was extremely nervous in her room, I felt like I was doing something so extremely wrong. But after a few minutes I calmed myself down because there is really nothing weird going on. We're just friends!

Our flight to UK was much longer than the one to Bahrain, so we slept through. But when I saw she was up, I went up to her. This flight was so frigg'in empty that there was no need to ask anybody to exchange seats. It was cool. When we split in UK, we exchanged email addresses and kept in touch. I came back to Pakistan much later than her, but when we met in college it was like we had never really split from the Heathrow Airport. Our friendship has definitely blossomed since then as I have guided her through a few tough times by listening and offering my advice when I felt I had any.

Now I feel that we have more of a brother-sister bond than simple friendship. It was the feeling of this bond that pushed me to do something I have been planning to since 2011 started. If you haven't guessed it yet, then I came out to her just today and it went extremely well.

Shocker, no?

Details about Amanda and the coming out episode in the next few posts!

New Directions

2011-04-10T00:56:00.001+05:00

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional!

Now I have no idea whose brilliant mind came up with this most amazing piece of truth, and I believe most of you would agree with me on it. Those of you who happen to disagree, you still have some growing up to do! :p

Maturity is no doubt a must have. A necessity for everyone who wants to do something, go somewhere, become someone. It gives a person's life direction, his actions a motive, his thoughts reason, his mind stability, his body the strength and lastly his soul patience. In short, maturity gives life meaning!

I feel a large part of my setbacks in life are due to me not acting my age. I was perfectly aware of what I should have done but I didn't which is unbelievably stupid on my part. Lately I have been asking myself alot of 'If' questions, and the more I ask myself these questions I realize that I had the right answers to them all along but I didn't do what I was supposed to do. As a result of my stupidity, I parted ways with someone truly spectacular and lost a truly fantastic opportunity. If I had been a little wiser with my actions, I feel I could have been in a much happier place right now. I may have grown up in the context of accepting my sexuality but elsewhere I feel there is alot of growing for me to do in several other departments of my personality.

A few days back I was discussing with Ryan about these thoughts. His reply was completely generic and made me want to push him off the bench. But I realized that if I asked the same thing from ten different people, nine of them would tell me the exact same thing. I remember walking down the stairs of one of my college corridors and there's this poster that says 'Every time you fall, pick something up!'.

Thinking upon it, being mature does mean having to learn from your mistakes and making sure that they do not happen in the future. I am completely sure as to what I have to work on and I have already intended to bring this change in my life with a conscious effort. I do realize that this would be a drastic break through from how I usually process, which is quite a surprise to me since people refer to me as being mature. I feel myself as the complete opposite. Perhaps I'm being hyper critical about myself?!

There have been quite a few developments in my life lately, most notably being this guy with whom there is a chance of something happening. I'm not entirely sure about it yet myself but he's someone I am genuinely interested in. As usual there isn't just one voice to this new uprising. I am split between several different opinions. I'm weighing my options right now as to how to proceed into these restless water which flung me out so violently last September. More importantly, should I even go ahead with it?!

The best option right now seems to be to listen to my inner voice which is telling me to grow up. Be someone who's capable of handling the low points of a relationship, after all love isn't all fluffy pillows and heart shaped candies. Perhaps it's just an infatuation that I am feeling, and it would go away if I don't pay attention to it however impossible that seems to be right now.

Now if you will please excuse me, Phunk has some growing up to do!

Book Me

2011-04-07T21:09:00.000+05:00

At some point during 8th Grade, I wanted to be a teacher. An English teacher to be precise. My 8th Grade English teacher was one of the most inspirational people I have ever happened to come across. She was the first person who advised me to consider become an author. I told her I wanted to be a teacher. She was extremely flattered but asked me to consider what she said.

I had always been interested in English Language, partly because for the first 10 years of my life I refused to accept our native language Urdu as my mother tongue for reasons I may blog about much later. Except for my grandparents, I didn't talk with anybody in Urdu. However broken my English was, I just didn't talk in Urdu. My parents realized that I really want to excel at this language so a trip to flea market for books became a weekly tradition. Over there, I got my first taste of Archie comics and that started a life long love that exists up to this point. I have a huge collection of Archie comics and I am extremely possessive about them. If I see one of my comics lying anywhere in the house, I would launch myself into a full fledged investigation. My mother didn't particularly like me reading comics and when she noticed my X-Men comics which featured a rather full figured female character by the name of Rogue, comics were banned from entering our household. But I simply could not live with that!

So we reached a deal, for every two books I would buy I can buy one comic and until I have finished reading both the novels, I will not be reading the comic I brought. I didn't really like this new rule but I had no choice. My elder sister put an end to my Enid Blyton addiction and I graduated to R.L. Stine and other authors who wrote books on similar themes. Sometime during 2001 I got my first ever taste of Harry Potter and then there was no looking back. We had just gotten our Internet connection back then and I searched for a Harry Potter games website and I stumbled across a valuable piece of information that the second and third books have also been published. I launched my search for the remaining two and within two days I had my hands on them. Since then I have completed the entire Harry Potter series. Infact I placed an order for the last 3 books before they were released worldwide at a local bookstore. I was even planning to camp out at the mall upon the release of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, however it was raining during those days so my plans were dampened - pardon the pun.

Besides the Harry Potter series, I have read a few other titles as well such as the works of Dan Brown, Cassandra Clare, L. J. Smith, Nancy Holder, P.C. and Kristen Cast. One summer I was so bored that I even read my sister's romance novels which made me laugh at most parts. I could not believe the tripe they contained but whatever - each to their own. I'll admit that I even tried my hand at reading Twilight. However by Chapter 13, I felt that my testosterone was committing suicide so I dumped it for good. Haven't looked back since!

Besides this blog, I have penned a love story under the pseudonym Phunk Factor for a forum at Orkut, however looking back I feel it's completely amateur. Besides that I have crafted some fan fiction erotica on True Blood and Vampire Diaries as well which I have stopped writing for now. I want to start it again and complete it once and for all, however I don't feel connected to it anymore. Does that vouch for poor authorship?

I would admit that I have dreams of getting published in something papery. Fictional or factual, I'm not entirely sure. I would love to have something factual, but if I choose this option then all I can really think of writing is regarding homosexuality. Fictional has so many possibilities, but does the world really need more stuff revolving around Vampires and Werewolves?!

I think not!

Perhaps I could put a gay twist to that, eh?

Perhaps a gay love story, I remember being very interested in the LGBT section at Books n Books in my trip to States in 2009. I'm confused either way. I will most definitely be penning something down, but I think I still have alot more learning to do before I get to that point. However there is no doubt that I am very excited at the thought of being an author, although I sort of laugh when somebody tells me this blog could potentially lead to a book. Don't get me wrong!

I love GPY!!!, a while back when I celebrated it completing one year I felt like cutting a cake, however the only way to really have a rocking party to celebrate it would be with my awesome followers. But with a book, I see myself going in a more serious direction. I can't risk talking about all my crushes and be the laughing stock of bookshelves worldwide. It's a long way to go, but let's see what happens!

Going completely off topic but I love a man who's into reading. And I love it even more when I can take his attention away from the book. I'm a certified nut case!

I Say A Little Prayer For You

2011-04-05T21:23:00.001+05:00

Whenever a child is born, there are certain traditions that the lucky family carries out so as to ensure the child physical, emotional, mental and spiritual well being as he proceeds through life. Some people have the baby suckle on honey before the first time he or she drinks the mother's milk, which is actually pretty dangerous. There is another tradition of not allowing the mother to leave the baby's side for a period of forty days no matter whatever is going on around her so as to allow the necessary bond to form between the two. A very common tradition that no matter what religion a person belongs to is of offering a special prayer just for the child. This tradition is generally performed by the entire family and anybody who wishes to imparts their blessing as well can join. I make sure I always join if I can and if I can't in cases where the new born is not in Pakistan I make sure to offer a special prayer for him or her.

Just yesterday I was blessed with a nephew. I have previously mentioned his sister and my niece in my blog during the time I was committed to Nathan. After our break-up, she was one of the few things that brought a smile to my face. While the baby was born in America, as they have immigrated - the new born's paternal grandmother is still living in Pakistan with her other son. She organized the prayer as per our tradition and I just had to take part in it.

Now I really haven't asked my cousins or my parents that exactly what do you ask in the mentioned prayers. It seems obvious what you need to ask for - the over all well being of the new born. My take on the said tradition has been slightly different since the past five years or so. Yeah, I do pray and I do wish the little one the best with all my heart. But when praying I am very specific about my prayer.

"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself!", one of the many things my awesome mom keeps driving into my thick skull. So while everybody is saying their prayers I add this little part to mine.

"Please do not have this child face the same hardships and issues that I have faced through my life. I want her/him to grow in peace and never feel that he/she is an abomination that is to be ridiculed and hated by the society. Don't ever have him/her stand at the edge of the roof thinking to just end it for once and all. Don't ever do this to her/him. I can forgive You for everything that I have endured but I will not forgive You if this child has to endure what I have."

I know my prayer sounds cold. Probably alot of you will feel that my prayer is highly inappropriate, especially those who support my confidence for my sexuality. However I have to make it clear that getting to this place where I am now, was no easy task. There have been alot of hard decisions that I have made which people close to me would also have to endure eventually because of me. I may even get disowned if my dad ever comes to know about it. It's not something people would like to know about their child. It's hard enough for us to conquer the feelings of guilt, shame and anger in the first place, then to help our parents and other loved ones get over them. It takes more than just blood, sweat and tears!

Nobody really understands it. We are brought up in a society that not only accepts and promotes heterosexuality but also insists on coupling. Being homosexual is wrong. Being single is not acceptable. We are wrapped in several layers of mentality that tells us that we need to find a mate of the opposite gender and then under the blessings of our parents we are to enter the matrimonial bliss with the said person. Nothing wrong in that if you're straight. But for those who are not attracted to be opposite gender, there starts a whole new process in which we strip ourselves off these expectations and demands if we want to live in peace. It's like having a very painful tattoo removed that you didn't even want in the first place. It hurts as we strip it off ourselves piece by piece, but if we are to live in peace then we have to. We come out to a few close contacts - most probably family and have some people walk out on us. It hurts more than anything in the world from those who have been shunned by their own kin for not being normal. Many who are considering it fear of rejection from their families. Who would really want that?

Most people I know would say 'No!' in a second if it was up to them. However it's not our choice and as aptly put by Lady Gaga - Baby, I was born this way!

I have yet to see any signs of homosexuality in any of my nieces or nephews except for one, but I'm not entirely sure about him yet. I think he would be 8 years old right now and I met him two years ago on my summer trip to America. He clearly had alot of toys, however his favorite toy was his elder sister's doll pram which he was constantly pushing all around his neighborhood in the evening when we were all outside. Maybe I'm reading too much into this but I had a slight inclination that he just might be gay. That night when I went to sleep, he kept flashing across my mind again and again. I felt like crying my heart out and screaming at God, however I didn't. Not only because it would have woken up everybody in the house but also I really would not be able to explain to anybody the cause of my extremely strange behavior.

The next day, his father who is my cousin wanted to take some pictures but in every picture he wanted to pose with the pram. When his father grabbed the pram to pull it away from the child, he would not let go and raised a huge tantrum. The father won in the end but from the help of his wife who placated the child by explaining to him that if he wants to hold a toy he can hold his Batman action figure and only girls look good pushing doll prams. He agreed to let go of the pram but he didn't smile in any of the pictures we took. Says alot don't you think?

He still has a long way to go before he reaches his teens and probably realizes about himself. I don't even know if at that point I should help him or not. At one side, I do want to help him so that he doesn't want to go through it alone. But if my fears are indeed true and if he at any point mentions about me to his parents it would definitely create a rift between their family and mine. The said kid's grandfather and my own father are blood brother, infact his other son happens to be the grandfather of my very awesome nephew Bilal.

Why does life have to be so darn freak'in difficult? Why do I have to make some complicated choices? I wish I could turn a blind eye to all this but I can't. I just can't!

FML!

My prayers go out to all my nephews and nieces. May you all be born straight and live happy lives!

Boys, Men and Everything in Between

2011-04-02T22:55:00.004+05:00

Is age really just a number when it comes to love?

This question has been bothering me since the past few days. It's pretty evident that age is important factor. Gay or straight - one of the first question everybody tries to wriggle out of their potential partner is their age. Also it comes to no surprise that pretty often people lie about it and that it's a very common reason people tend to reject others. This all clearly lays emphasis on the fact that age truly does matter.

Unlike straight relations where it's generally looked down upon when the woman is older than the man, we have no such issue. We are frowned upon in any case - insignificant of the age of the two guys involved. However in every case, people do have a certain age limit which they do not want to cross. Rarely does there come an exception which causes them to step outside of their boundaries.

I don't like dating young guys. Period! It makes me feel like a cougar. My age limit starts from 23 which is my age and goes up till 30. I'm willing to stretch up to 35 provided that I'm genuinely interested in the guy. But anything above 35 is a no go for me. My preference would obviously change as I age, since I do prefer older men. The only time I see myself going for somebody younger would be when I'm 30 and the other guy would be like 28 or something. But then there's that whole formula that 30 is equal to death in the gay world.

Fetishes aside, how much does the age of the partner effect the chemistry of a relation. Maybe my views are stereotypical but I speak solely from experience. When dating an older guy, it gives you the chance to be a 'child' in a relationship. While you are obviously responsible but I think a greater part falls on the other person. Or perhaps they feel that they have to take charge - be an example sort of thing. I remember talking to Bruce about something and he said, "I am older than you! I have more experience! I know better!". Could this be some sort of Power Play?

I know you are older and have more experience but I don't spout nonsense. After that I really didn't feel like saying what's on my mind most of the times in fear of being scolded like a child. But where does this come from?.

I have an opinion. You should listen to what I have to say. Can't we discuss this like mature adults?

While I would try to set up an example when dating somebody younger - if that opportunity ever comes. I would not enforce my thinking. A relationship is a two way street after all. When dating a younger man, there is a certain energy level you have to meet. And I'm not talking about sexual energy. But I feel generally they maybe more free spirited. You have to keep them grounded, however not by tying an anchor to their feet. Quite a few times, there is a certain innocence to them I feel the other person needs to accept and not try to change. This innocence will mature like fine wine in time itself. I'm not suggesting to smother them but a mutual acceptance of opinions.

What about when you are dating a man close to your age? Is that the best way to go? Like a year younger older or a year younger. Perhaps even the same age as you! At any rate, there isn't much difference between the two. They both have been around for the same amount of time and have more or less the same amount of experience. Being at the same stage of life, they have pretty similar goals in their minds and they mutually support each other as they know exactly what is happening with the other person. When I was with Nathan, I felt I enjoyed my time with him much more than with Bruce.

I have been with an older guy and someone almost my age. Although guys younger rarely fascinate me, however I think it's time I gave a younger meat a serious shot. I'm not entirely sure about anything yet, but there is a chance that I may have someone in mind. Yes, there has been a recent development and there is a very serious chance that this may actually mature into something concrete. He's younger than me and that's the part which has me scared the most. I have a firm idea in mind how to proceed but since when the best plans have been laid out by men?!

I'm putting up a poll that I would like the readers to contribute to. What age would you prefer your partner to be?

I'll be publishing another post along the same lines that was inspired by Ryan.

Lesbian Love Rocks

2011-04-01T22:51:00.001+05:00

I was made for you!

I wish I had such a cool lesbian couple for friends *sigh*

Hummay Tum Say Pyaar Hai

2011-03-31T11:58:00.004+05:00

On March 30th, Pakistan faced India in the Punjab Cricket Association Stadium in Mohali, India. Without any doubt, this was probably the most anticipated match of the 2011 ICC World Cup. Everytime the World Cup fever comes around, one of the questions that is one just about everybody's tongues no matter even if they don't belong to these two nations is if Pakistan and India will face off in the battlefield?.

The moment Pakistan cleared the Quarterfinals against West Indies on March 23rd, most of the people I know wanted India to win against Australia so that these two teams can finally have another go at each other. Also nobody wanted Australia to take home the World Cup for the fourth time in a row. And once India defeated Australia, the entire nation burst into a patriotic haze. Everywhere you look everybody was sporting the Pakistani team t-shirt, even on the days that Pakistan was not playing people were displaying their love for the home team by wearing green. Personally speaking, I have never even seen our nation so geared up on August 14th, which is our Independence Day. Everybody had their green on. It was indeed a sight to behold!

Yesterday all over Pakistan either it was declared a holiday or it was a half day so that people can watch the game from the comfort of their homes or wherever they choose to do so from. Auditoriums were booked where the match was being aired on the giant screen. There was a small crowd gathered just about everywhere there was a TV in viewing range. No matter what channel you switched to there would be some TV program centered around the match citing historical matches when the two Cricket giants battled. I was at a friend's place where almost all of my friends from university had gathered for the match. Even the girls had made an appearance. Adrenaline rushed our bodies, sugar levels soared as we munched on dorritos and pizzas, alot of chest bumping was going on and violent shaking when our team pulled of something brilliant and giant cries of desperation, curses and cusses were hurled like they were nothing. There were two points in the match when the great Sachin Tendulkar was seemingly eliminated but on closer inspection turned out not to be so. One guy yelled "M*th*rf*ck*r!" in a series of go without stopping not even realizing that his family was sitting in the next room. Yeah, that's how charged everybody was!

Gay guys are generally not that much into sports, but all of my gay friends were watching the match. My profile on the gay dating website got absolutely no hits during the entire time the match was going on. Every single status on Facebook was wishing our team the best. If you still don't get how we feel about Cricket, watch the video below;

Yeah! That's the extent to which Cricket has a hold on our nation. And I wouldn't change it any other way!

Unfortunately Pakistan lost the match. I'll admit that I did not want Pakistan to loose. I'll admit that I wanted Pakistan to face Sri Lanka in the final on April 2nd. I'll admit that I would not have minded at all if Pakistan would have won yesterday but lost on Saturday. I'll admit that I was disheartened and quite depressed. I've bumped the Pakistani team members off my crush list for good - especially a particular player. But at the end of the day, I'm Pakistani and I can not desert my team.

It's annoying to see the entire nation claiming bullshit like the match was fixed or Indian team was being favored as if the Indian team lost yesterday, people will not turn up to watch the final in Mumbai. I don't think these people would have been saying such stuff if Pakistani team had won yesterday. Then it would have been all 'We kicked their ass! Our players are like lions! Nobody can beat Pakistan!" and similar stuff. This is poor sportsman ship!

I'll probably be bashed for saying this but the Indian team was definitely stronger than ours. Our team suffered huge set backs when three regular players were barred from playing due to match fixing allegation and another player was injured. Pakistan suffered another blow when it was not allowed to be a host for any of the matches in the current World Cup due to our terrorism crisis. Whenever the World Cup is hosted in Asia, Pakistan is on the list of hosts. This was the very first time that it wasn't. It was indeed a huge disappointment for the entire nation as watching a match in a stadium is nothing short of amazing. Since I probably won't be in Pakistan for whenever next ICC World Cup is hosted in Asia, I wanted to watch one match in the stadium in my city.

But despite all the curve balls that were thrown at us, we managed to reach till the Semi Finals. And even though we lost, we really did play our hearts out. We didn't loose by a wide margin as if our players didn't invest themselves. We lost by 29 runs. I'll admit there were a couple of mistakes but in any game, a large part is based on luck. It just wasn't our day. The match was very close and I think everybody will agree with me on this point. I know we lost, but then somebody had to loose. But even then I feel we lost fairly. We tried, but the other team was better!

It's time that we stop the frigg'in excuses and allegations, and support our team back. No matter whether they win or loose, they're Pakistani. Just like you! Just like me!

I swear never more than today have I wanted to be a Pakistani and give these guys love. Well played, guys!

Forget These Not

2011-03-29T13:18:00.000+05:00

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares

Someone to love with my life in their hands

There's gotta be somebody for me like that

'Cause nobody wants to go it on their own

And everyone wants to know they're not alone

There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere

There's gotta be somebody for me out there

- "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback

Being gay, I prefer the cover from Shayne Ward much more!

Doesn't matter where a person's sexual orientation may lie, everybody wants someone to love. If you're straight, the task of finding 'The One' is a gazillion times easier as you always have your family and friends to help you out in your search and inevitably many, just like you - are in search of the same.

However if you happen to be gay, then the rules of this game drastically change. Infact there are really no fixed rules. Every player has his own set of rules and they keep changing their rules to their wish. It's very much a trial and error sort of thing. Some people just pretend to play the game and unfortunately some poor soul ends up getting played really bad. It's not by any means easy in finding 'The One' if you're gay. Rarely do you have the support of your loved ones, generally it's just you watching out for yourself. Our goals are similar - finding somebody to love. And that's what we have to keep in mind.

Ryan plans to lead a straight life. He has sex every now and then with some random guy he finds off the Internet but what many of you may not know is the fact that Ryan has been through a two year relationship which ended in 2008. The guy was moving away and both of them didn't want a LDR, so they split and have remained friends ever since. However those two years were enough for Ryan to get a taste of a gay relationship and firmly decide that they aren't his cup of tea. Fortunately it also gave him enough sense to say something truly sensible every once in a while.

After my break up with Nathan, Ryan told me two things that I needed to keep in mind if I ever decided to get back into the game. Although I didn't really pay attention to his advice as I was very much soaked in depression and despair, but now I realize that his suggestion really could help out just about every gay guy looking for a relationship.

"The guy should want to be in a relationship!", Ryan told me as we sat in his car. "He needs to be looking for a guy, just as you are looking for one and not consider it because you suggested so!" Rarely does mutual attraction happen. You or the other guy will make the first move and then the other person will consider it. But you both are looking for someone to be with and it automatically leads to better chances of success. You can not complicate things with a friend by suggesting that you two should try for something more. You definitely can not suggest somebody who rings you up for a booty call for a relationship. Quite often you end up loosing him for good. Availability is the first thing one needs to keep in mind!

The other thing that Ryan emphasized on was that both guys should be on the same level of their coming out journeys. When they are similar or pretty close to what the other person has, there aren't expectations to be fulfilled. They both understand what they are capable of doing and don't make any such demands which maybe perceived as unreasonable.

Personally I would add a third point to this list and that would be to be acceptable of imperfections. We're all humans! We're all flawed! As another friend of mine once said, "We waste our time searching for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love!"

Enough said!

My 'Bro'

2011-03-26T15:40:00.002+05:00

"Do you have a girlfriend?", asks my 5 year old nephew.

"No! Why?" I ask him laughing.

"Then do you have a boyfriend?", he asks me again.

I laugh even harder. Where is this kid getting it all from?, I ask myself. "No, I do not have a boyfriend either!"

"So you do not have any friends at all! Why do you not have any friends?", he asks me again.

"I have friends!" I tell him.

"But if they are not boys and they are not girls, what are they?", he asks with his eyes all lit up with curiosity.

Like a bulb somewhere just lit up in my head, I get what he's asking me. To him, a girlfriend is a friend who is a girl and a boyfriend is a friend who is a boy. Parents will do just about anything to preserve innocence. "I have friends. No boyfriends. No girlfriends.", I respond.

"But what are they?" he starts asking me laying over my chest.

"They are my friends!", I tell him point blank with a smile.

He remains silent for a while. He pushing his little toy car on my arm. He likes to push it all the way up to my arm pit where I get tickled easily. "Can I be your friend?", he asks me biting his lower lip. My heart melts into a big puddle of goo.

"No, you're not my friend!" I say picking him up and lifting him well above myself. "You're my bro!", I tell him.

"What's a 'bro'?", he asks.

"Bro is a brother! A very cool brother! You are my very cool brother!", I tell him.

"Cool!", he yells.

"You want to learn a fist bump?", I ask him.

"What's a fist bump?", he asks me.

I sit up and put him down besides me. I folded his hand in a punch and struck it lightly against my fist. "That's a fist pump! It's what bros do!" My hand is still retracted into a fist, so he starts fist pumping me with all his might.

"This is fun!", he screams. I open my hand and catch his fist in a flash, and begin to tickle him. I stop after a while. "You're awesome!" he yells and gives me a really tight hug.

-------------------------------

I can't help missing my 'bro' right now, so here's a post dedicated to one of the most awesome kids in the world. You'll always be awesome, Bilal!

Damages

2011-03-25T18:12:00.001+05:00

A friend of mine just broke up with his 2 year long boyfriend a few days ago. They had been having a little trouble lately as his boyfriend was loosing interest in my friend. Before breaking up, he confessed to my friend about his fading attraction and promised that while he was attracted to other guys - he had not slept with any. Not wanting to cheat on my friend, he broke it off before the temptations could take their toll. My friend had also been feeling a tad bit awkward with all the make-overs he was being put through as his boyfriend tried to find something to ignite the fire inside himself once again for my friend.

Their story started sometimes towards the end of 2008 through Orkut. After a few meets, they decided to try for something more and it proved to be a great decision. It was a first for both of them. They are the only gay couple I've been out with in my life. My friend's boyfriend never took liking to me but that's okay. As long as he liked my friend, I really didn't care!

When I got my friend's call, I immediately guessed what had happened. To be completely honest, their love story was like my ideal story. Who has ever heard of a two year long relation? And that too in such a conservative society like Pakistan!

At that point I really didn't know what to do or say. My mind was completely muzzled but my heart had alot of things to say about his ex and none were too pleasant. I told him point blank that his ex is an idiot for leaving him but a nice idiot for not cheating on him. My friend is quite definitely not the best looking guy in town but he is not something you would slam the door on. Plus after being with someone for two years, it seems stupid to walk away on the account of fading attraction.

"You'll find someone suitable in due time!", I told him.

"Perhaps! But I will not love him the same way I loved D! I can never love the same way!"

"You will! Stop being so stupid! Why do you feel that way?", I asked.

"Because I'm damaged now!", he tells me. "If I ever love again, the part of me that loves D will still exist. It may have become lesser, but it will always be there. The new person will never really have the 'whole' of me. That's the problem with love!"

I didn't quite understand his point, so I asked for an explanation. "You never really stop loving them - you may hate them at some point. But in both cases, you care. You will never be completely oblivious of them. Next time round, you are more cautious! More careful! More mechanical! You don't let yourself love easily - and if by chance you see any signs of things going how they went the last time you run for the hills. It just doesn't happen like it happened the first time round!" And that part of the conversation has been stuck in my head ever since!

There is a little piece inside of me that tells me that I will be the biggest fool on Earth if I fall for someone as hard as I did for Nathan. No need to make him feel special! No need to make him realize that I'll be here always. No need to do any of those things I love doing for that other person. There is no point of being in love when it all can go up in flames any second now!

But then another part of me says that I'm stronger now. If I am more cautious or even mechanical - it's because I want to get it right. I know better now of what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it. If I want to love someone, I would have to listen to the latter. But I don't know! I would definitely not like to be in a relationship where I would have to restrict my feelings in fear of being hurt.

I feel sad for my friend. He is a great guy - and if it's indeed true that he will never be able to love someone the same way again then somebody out there may just have lost the most compliant boyfriend ever!

Grow A Pair

2011-03-22T13:55:00.001+05:00

While talking to Ted a few weeks back our topic suddenly shifted to the losers one often tends to run into the Online world. "I know exactly what you mean, dude! I absolutely hate their broken English messages asking for ASL, TBV and stuff like that! They really don't care enough to read the profile!"

"I'm not talking about them, Phunk!"

"Then?"

Turns out he was talking about the guys who are so closeted that they treat other guys like dirt but still would like to date them. They don't tell details or in some cases the right details even after having known you for quite some time. Some even don't care enough to give respect to other guys. Generally they describe themselves to be people in place of much power so they can't risk outing themselves to another gay man in fear of blackmail. They maybe around for a casual no-strings attached encounters. Some are here for more. Some just want the companionship of other gay guys so that they have someone to talk to. In either case, they really don't get anything out of it except blue balls, curses and a few exchange of messages.

Personally speaking, I had never come across such guys so I really didn't have anything to say about them. But then recently I managed to get in touch with two such people and I must say that a good deal of what Ted said was spot on. The first of the two was a married man who I initially came across a little while after my break up with Nathan. I never really got a chance to talk to him till quite recently. On the first talk, I remember he asked me if I was interested in kissing and cuddling. I denied his request as I do not prefer engaging in such activities with random strangers - especially married random strangers. However somehow friendship blossomed between the two of us. There were a few advances after that as well however everytime I would give him a cold shoulder or politely decline him. Another thing about him that didn't settle well with me was when he used to call me 'Darling', 'Sexy' or 'Cutie'. Now these terms could be entirely casual but he was married and it didn't settle right with me to be called the thing his wife should be complimented with. I'll admit his smooth talks made my heart flutter a few times but for once my brain did exactly what it was supposed to - keeping me grounded.

One of the most seductive element about him was his intelligence. Intelligence is a huge turn on for me. The talks I had with him, I had never had these talks with anybody before. We talked about religion, sexuality and the two in connection with each other. This brought another conflict to my mind about him that he doesn't entirely practice what he preaches. But it wasn't my place to say anything.

What really used to tick me off quite a few times was his possessiveness. He didn't like me meeting other guys. He cared about me but not in a way he should have. Somewhere along the lines we shared our pictures and contact details. The picture I sent was my usual one with my entire face visible but the one I got from him was of him wearing shades with his head bent down. I had very little idea how he looked like. The contact number I gave him was the one I usually give to guys I meet Online. The one I got was a brand new number which he didn't use often as I never got replies to my text when I sent them and many times during our conversation he would disappear completely. When I would hit dial, the recording would tell me that the desired number is switched off.

Once my college started, I really had no time to come on messengers where we would usually talk. Once in a while we would exchange messages through our cells but he would disappear just like that so eventually I stopped replying to his text completely. Around the same time, Ted started fixing me up with his best friend which eventually didn't happen. He reads my blog and after reading this post, he immediately contacted me telling me I should not meet any new guys. "You don't want me to meet any new guys! Fine! I won't meet them! But I want to meet you instead!", I told him. I wanted to sort it out and put him in his place once and for all.

He agreed. I told Ted to not fix me up yet as I have some things to sort out. I started to plan the meet and gave him several places to choose from. From what he told me he's some high profile guy so I put forward places that aren't much crowded and would provide seclusion if he's so frigg'in scared of meeting a gay guy in public. I got no response. I left a few more messages on his Yahoo! and cell phone. Still no response!

By now I really didn't care if he got down on one knee and asked me out. Then one Friday he caught me Online. I'll admit that I was disrespectful to him but I really didn't care anymore. He told me that he does want to meet me but before that he wanted to see me on camera to make sure that I am the same guy from the pic. At that point all my suppressed rage kicked into life. I told him he is the one who showed me a half-ass picture of himself. He was the one who bought a new SIM to contact me. He is the one who should be showing me his picture. Not me! I really didn't want to put up with his crap anymore. If he wants to meet me, he meets me like just any other regular gay guy. I really don't care for his status. At the end of the day, all gay guys like to suck dick!

And just like that it was over!

And I couldn't care less!

A few days later I got a friend request from some guy from Islamabad. His profile was blank but I decided to give him the benefit of doubt and messaged him. He checked out my blog and was interested in getting to know me. So like any other guy, he messaged me. And like any other jerk, he wrote nonsense. Terming me as 'posh', wanting to know if my walk is 'straight' and if I would like to have a drink with him sometime. He wanted me to give him a reason to trust him because he has a life and a social reputation to maintain. Oh yeah, and he smelled good from what he told about himself!

Upon reading the message, I told him I can be friends but I would make no extra effort in gaining his trust. He would be treated just like my other contacts. He has a life and that's wonderful. But so do I!

I do know how important it is to maintain our identities a secret and I would never ever out anybody If it doesn't settle well with him, he can take me off his friend list. I really would not mind!

He has come Online a few times since I messaged him and has even posted on his wall. Today I finally deleted him.

To all jerks, if you want to associate with gays for whatever purpose you fancy, grow a pair and learn to respect others - especially those who already have one!

The Amazing Spider Man

2011-03-19T21:09:00.003+05:00

My 5 year old nephew is over from States these days and I can't put it to words how glad I am to see him. My first contact with this insanely cute boy happened in 2009 when I was in States for my vacations. I spent about a week at his father's place who is my first cousin. My nephew's grandfather and my dad are blood brothers with a good difference of 16 years and 5 other siblings between them. However they are pretty close because the house that I am currently living in used to be shared by these two brothers. But then his sons got married and moved to States to begin their families and once that happened, someone was needed to watch over the kids. They have come to Pakistan after 2 years, but it's my nephew's first ever visit to Pakistan.

He has just gotten bitten by the Spider Man fever and is completely obsessed with him. He lives, eats, talks, sleeps and burps Spider Man. He knows about Super Man and Batman but doesn't care the least bit about them. Spider Man can kick everyone's butt in his opinion. Cute!

I had a busy day in college, so when I came home by 4 PM I had absolutely no idea that he was at our place. Just as soon as I entered our house's gates, he ran and crashed into me. "Chachu, I missed you!" he said out loud and would not let go of my jeans. Chachu is for the word Uncle in Urdu. He has been over at our house before twice since he came to Pakistan on 10th March and we had a blast. I had no option but to pick him up into my arms and carry him around. Little monster snatched my glasses and threw them out of the house. Nice arm on that kid!

He's a very social kid but he's taken particular fondness with me since I do all crazy acrobatic like flipping him over and walking around with him on my shoulders. I had lunch with him on my thigh from the same plate. It was so cute to watch those tiny hands fold sheermaal into tiny bites dipped in gravy. Everytime I tried to feed him, he would bite me. "I'm a big boy!", he would scream at the top of his lungs. I had to put the individual pieces of meats into his mouth separately.

After lunch we played for a while with his Spider Man toys. He banged my wrist a gazillion times with his action figure attempting to knock out whatever Spider Man's villain I had in my hand. But it was so much fun that I can't put it to words. I would not mind if he knocked a hundred action figures out of my hand. Then it was time to put him to sleep, but how do you even tell a hyperactive 5 year old it's time to go to bed and not have him throw a tantrum at you?!

I promised him that if he comes to bed, I'm going to tell him a Spider Man story. And it worked! Actually I really didn't have a Spider Man story. I simply narrated the bits of the first Spider Man movie that I could remember on spot while gently patting him on the back. Half an hour later the little darling was fast asleep! I took a break for a while since I had some time to myself.

When he woke up a while back, he was in my arms again. "I'm going to call you 'Spider Chachu' because you tell me the best Spider Man stories!" and he hugged me. I had a little tear in my eye. My little sister caught me streaming and couldn't help but smile. They just left a few minutes ago as they had to visit a few of my cousins's wife's relatives. "We are coming to Spider Chachu's place at night. I want to listen to more Spider Man stories!"

I feel bad that they had to lie to their kid, but they will not be spending any nights here. They are spending all the night at the wife's parents place. At our house the grandparents are staying only. It's been just a while and I'm missing the little tyke like crazy!

However a small part of me can't help but be a sad. Through out the day as I played with him, I realized how much he looked like his father. I remember how my aunt had this photo of my cousin as a baby in their room and my nephew is like a carbon copy of his dad. From what I heard, my cousin was a rambunctious little monster in his childhood. His son is nothing less!

As much as I would love to have a child biologically, I can't. If I do get to a place where I can fully handle the responsibility of a child I would have to go for adoption. I am not against adoption. I actually very much adore the idea. But that little bubble of never being able to see how my own child would look like is now stuck in throat and I can't swallow it.

I'll get back up. All I need is a little time! I'll be okay. I promise - after all I'm the amazing Spider Chachu!

A Is For Avoidance

2011-03-18T17:44:00.000+05:00

I don't think of myself as a superstitious person. I really don't! However I've had a bad run with a certain variable and I have grown very cautious about it. Generally little thing like this are not something that I would let hold me back, but lately the thought just can't escape from my head. The thought being that guys who's real names begin with A are not suitable for a relationship when it comes to me.

As little children, when we start learning the alphabets we are given these books which have the alphabet on one page and directly opposite is an object who's name starts with the said letter. Like A stands for Apple, B is for Ball, C is for Cat and so on. My personal opinion has changed and in my picture book A does not stand for Apple but for Avoidance.

This avoidance isn't something I would fancy to have but rather a cold and cruel compilation of bittersweet facts. Looking back over to the guys I've gotten involved with both Nathan and Bruce had their names starting with A. Ryan - my best friend has just about everything I like in a guy but he doesn't turn me on the least bit even though he is quite attractive. By chance, his name also begins with the letter A. Then two guys with whom things got really messy once I turned them down also had their names from A. Another guy who took great interest in me up till the point he saw my picture also had an A name. And lastly a certain guy who's advances I'm trying to stop effecting me also has a name starting with the letter A.

There is most definitely a certain pattern to this madness. I don't know how the whole name business affects my relationship chemistry or just the fact how I have to behave with another guy. But in any case, it does make sense that I avoid such guys like the plague.

I won't deny that I have gotten a wee bit commitment phobic since my break up with Nathan. But the search is still going on. I am literally now scared to get to know the name of a certain guy I like. Everytime I send a message asking for his name and get a reply for it, I'm literally praying "Don't let the name be from the letter A! Don't let the name be from the letter A!". It's crazy but I can't help it! If I see a certain way out to save something from crashing and burning, I would grab on to every last straw I possibly can.

If you recall from an earlier post about my friend Ted who was trying to fix me up with his best friend. Unfortunately for me, his name started with the letter A. Uh Oh! Did my love boat sink even before leaving the dock?

No!, I told myself. Your being completely stupid and irrational, this really isn't something that you should give a second thought to. It's all in your head. Snap out of it! Given my history I can't help being so paranoid, but Ted really thinks we can be a great couple and I should really give him a chance.

Two days ago I got a text from Ted's friend asking if I was free for a phone call. I was and a three minutes later we were on. The talk started very casually with both of us updating each other about our lives. However the call was strictly business from his end. Turns out he is having some tough issues to face right now and doesn't really have time for a relation. He thinks I'm a great guy but we would be better off as friends. Perhaps at some other point, we would have been a good couple but now is not the right time. In short, it's over!

I'm not mad at him. I'm glad he was upfront and honest with me. He didn't really tell me what stuff is exactly going on but it it is indeed true - I hope he solves the issues soon. He's a nice guy. At any rate, another guy who's name starts with A turned me down. Please tell me it's not just in my head!

Mind Your Language

2011-03-16T15:48:00.000+05:00

As you start browsing through the various profiles on any gay networking website, one of the most frequent words you will happen to come across is 'Straight Acting'. Everybody Online is either 'Straight Acting' and/or wants somebody who is 'Straight Acting'. And I can not put it to words how much it infuriates me!

I thought it was only the heterosexual crowd who had the impression of us being sissies. Apparently the gay community is just as up front about this insane propaganda. Sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with masculinity or femininity. Absolutely nothing! Hardly anybody lets their sexuality govern their personality. It just doesn't happen. If you take a good hard look, then you will realize that sexuality comes under personality and not the vice versa. Then why is their so much frigg'in discrimination?

To all those who say they are 'Straight Acting', tell me honestly that have you never worn a clothing item in any shade of pink?. Or that you have never busted a move to Single Ladies or Bad Romance behind the closed bedroom doors? What about trying on some cosmetic product? Where should I begin?! Styling gel? Haven't you ever gone to the barber's for a whitening facial before some important wedding? I know as a matter of fact that no there are waxing parlors for men! Surely not every guy going there is gay! And food! Have you never cooked a single meal in your life? What about shopping? Don't you shop for yourselves? Or have you never gotten teary eyed from Notebook? (Great movie! Those of you who haven't checked it out are missing a great thing!)

Get with it, people!

There is really no such thing as 'Straight Acting'. It's a derogatory term and what's even worse is that we are just as much active in spreading it's use than an average straight crowd. Think about it! Essentially what those the term mean - to acting like a straight person. Do you appear in anyway different from a straight guy? No! Physically there is absolutely nothing that differentiates you from a straight fellow. Then why put so much effort into acting straight?

I will not deny that there are feminine guys out there, because there are. However there is nothing wrong with them and most of all, not all gays are like that. If you happen to like Cricket - you just like it, right? You don't watch it because your straight friend thinks it's the coolest thing ever!

Put a stop this stupidity and simply stop using the word 'Straight Acting'. It would definitely be a step in the right direction to get the equality ball rolling everywhere!

Papa Dinosaur

2011-03-13T01:52:00.000+05:00

Since the past few days I have been getting messages from a very strange profile. What makes this profile so frigg'in nauseating is the age of the owner of this profile. He's frigg'in 55!

Currently, I am 23. My dating age bracket isn't constricting. I am open to dating guys from 20 to 35 - and even as old as 40 providing I am genuinely interested in the person. However there is a limit to which I will stretch. This individual doesn't even fall anywhere near my limit. There is a difference of more than 30 years between our ages. My reaction to his messages has been extremely clear from day one - not interested in the least. He's a doctor and clearly his quite educated, however there is a fine difference between being educated and being literate. He just doesn't seem to understand that I am not interested!

When he first contacted me, I didn't really know if I should be disrespectful to him. He's probably four or five years younger than my very own father. How do you even reject him without telling him he clearly should not be wandering on a gay dating website!

Another thing quite discerning about the profile is that he is married and has kids. If I had all that, I would be on the top of this frigg'in world and really would not give a shit to some dating site occupied by brainless, hormone charged morons. Seriously how can he even consider getting humped by random strangers when he could be spending quality time with his children. Here I am yearning for cute little babies, which is something he is already blessed with and yet here he is!

If he can not handle the pressure of a married life, he should have not married in the first place.

This is my serious plea to anybody who's gay and is considering getting into the holy union of marriage with a girl. If you think you can not handle it and live through it, do not get into it. I agree it's not everybody's cup of tea. But dudes, gays are not even supposed to be at this frigg'in tea party. Go sip on some non alcoholic margaritas and appletinis - whatever tickles your pickle! But marriage is not child's play. I do not conform to any form of cheating. Toss cow dung on to those idiots who think that if they are sleeping with men outside their marriage they are not cheating. Cheating is cheating - gender, extent of intimacy, place or anything else doesn't make it right the least bit.

By the fifth message, I clearly was blowing steam from my ears. "Okay do not meet me. But at least show me your pictures!" - Argh! Stupid foolish arse hole of a butt plug for brains moron!

Quoting the rarely sane Ke$ha - You are a dinosaur!

But on a slightly better note another profile that has been contacting me alot recently is of a young buck. He clearly seems interested and is hinting towards a relationship however I am giving the guy Ted has been pushing a chance. At any rate, I am hoping to be friends with the young buck.

Issues; Confession

2011-03-11T15:57:00.003+05:00

I have long since known that I am bisexual. However attracted I have been to guys, I haven't ever had any form of sexual contact with them. Since the past few months I have started seeing this girl and finally we are deciding to get into a relationship. I want to tell her about my bisexuality. If I hide it, I would feel extremely guilty. Should I?

I am all for being honest in relationship, but this is one exception to my principle. There are somethings you can not tell the one you love - and this is a prime example of one of them. I would advice you not to tell your girl that you are attracted to both genders. Most people, even in this time and age, are very closed minded when it comes to sexuality. Besides straight, there is really no other sexuality that would be accepted. Even those who are bisexual or homosexual, have an incredibly hard time processing the mechanism of their attraction.

I admire that you want to be honest - I really do. However even though you are attracted to guys, you haven't acted on that attraction of yours. Straight men are sometimes attracted to random women but never pursue them - and they never tell their wives/girlfriends about this attraction. Just like that if some random guy walking down the street catches your eye, you need not run to your girlfriend and tell her about it. Quoting the very awesome Holly Holiday - "It doesn't matter who you are attracted to but who do you fall in love with". Remember that!

You mentioned that keeping this secret would make you feel guilty. I really don't think it should. Like I said earlier, you haven't done anything wrong that you should be guilty about. However if you do feel that strongly about telling her, I would advice you to consider what is at stake here. You really do love her, right?

Before telling her, it's best to see how she feels about bisexuality. Try to bring it into some conversation with her to know how she feels about it. It would be better if you have someone else ask her so that she doesn't get suspicious if she's the type who starts suspecting at the drop of the hat. If her nostrils do not flare, she keeps her composure and doesn't reply with strong negative feelings, there is a chance that if you tell her it won't result into breaking up. However this is a last resort method, if hiding from her does not give you peace of mind.

Lastly, from the conversations we've had, you seem like a pretty smart, level-headed person so if you do decide to step on this path, take no detours. If you feel at some point later to be with guys, don't do so behind her back. That's just plain rude!

Best wishes!

Walk Fall Walk Run

2011-03-10T13:29:00.000+05:00

There is a certain pattern to a certain kind of jerks you find Online. It is super hard to get to know them on a personal level because mostly they are on f*ck-and-run basis. They really don't want to know the other person besides the 'ASL - TBV' or rarely bother with it. If they do inquire then there is a pretty good chance that they are hoping for more than one time of humping. If you want to get to know them, you have to sleep with them. There is rarely an opportunity where you are able to catch one and keep him hooked without raising your legs in the air.

Maybe it's my experience but rarely do these fellows have taken any form of interests in me once I told them the shocking truth of my celibacy - yes, I am such a prude!

However there are always exceptions and I managed to snag not one but two bad boys and gotten them to confess what makes them how they are. Turns out that they both have been jilted pretty bad by their ex and they both have alot of things they want to say to their jerk of an ex. But they can't because either they have no idea as to how to say it without sounding hurt or their ex won't give them the time of the day because he has moved on to a new relationship or sleeping around with random guys - whatever tickles their pickle. Since they can't say anything to these guys - they take out their rage on one night stands where they don't let anything hold them back. Sad part is that they both want a relationship however are scared to attempt to do so again after how things ended for them last time. Is that how it plays out for every hook up artist out there?

Funny thing happened while I was talking to one of them - my iPod started playing 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' and I got stuck on the line - Once upon a time falling in love now I'm only falling apart! Creepy, no?

It's not like guys haven't asked them for a relationship. One of them is very good looking and I believe it when he says that he has three guys after him for a relationship. But he says that they just want him for how he looks - just like his ex wanted him. Once they would have him, they will tire out eventually and move on to somebody else while he's left all alone.

It surprised me that somebody in the sublime universe of my sexuality is actually taking a serious approach towards a relationship and isn't just playing around on a trial basis like trying to find which condom size fits him best. He actually wants something that would make him feel.

I really am in no position to tell them what they need to do next. They are more than 18 years so they are pretty capable of understanding how things are supposed to play out. But since I can't tell them, I can very much do what I want here.

The fact that they are horsing around is completely stupid in my opinion. If you're in the game, you have to learn to roll with the punches. It's highly unlikely that the first time you land a guy, he would turn out to be the one. If he doesn't turn out to be, you cherish the experience and learn from it. You realize what you want and what you do not want. You realize what you can live with and what you can't live with. Once you have done that - you hit the tracks again. Retreating to the bushes for a quickie is really not going to lead to something worthwhile. If everything I just mentioned failed to register then just understand this one thing - Love hurts when you do it right. And boy, does it hurt bad!

As a child, when we started to walk we all must have taken a really bad fall every now and then. What did we do next? We cried our hearts out and then we made another attempt. Pretty soon we were walking and then on we are running. Everybody is making videos of us walking around the house in our diapers and is so frigg'in happy.

More or less the same principle applies here. You walk (Read; Fall in love)- you fall (Read; Break up)- you walk again (Read; Fall in love again)- you run (Read; Keep falling in love with the same person again and again)- people make videos (Read; Happy Ending).

Just don't give up!

The Cynical Me

2011-03-08T16:57:00.000+05:00

A friend I made Online recently is very interested in fixing me up and getting me involved with someone. He's not hinting towards himself but a friend of his who's in the market much like me and has pretty much the same interests as mine.

Quite honestly while I do like the idea of being in a relationship again. However my programming towards the whole relationship has significantly changed since the last time I was involved. Earlier I wanted a relationship - just like I want it right now. Earlier I didn't need a relationship - just like I don't need it right now. But I went for it because I really liked the guy. Right now I don't need to be in a relationship either and that's the only thing that is keeping me. My friend; Let's call him Ted - has known this guy since the past four or five years. They are pretty much like Ryan and me - closer than the legs of a nun.

Honestly I do appreciate Ted's efforts but it's gotten to the point that it has begun to irritate me slightly. Earlier on I was amused by his ramblings. They seemed so innocent coming from him. But now they are really pissing me off. He doesn't understand the difference between my want and my need. I have tried explaining as simply as I could that everything that holds value in my life right now and deserves my attention will not benefit by a relation in any way possible. I really won't be able to take time out for it and the other guy will eventually get fed up of me.

Ted explains that I am just denying every possibility of being happy because I don't have faith in love anymore. Sad thing is that a part of me believes he is actually right. I have become cynical about the whole concept of love.

I could actually give this a try but then what of my resolution. I need to be single - at least for a little while longer so that I can figure myself out further and what I want at the same time. Another thing which Ted doesn't understand. "Why would you want to be single when you can be in love?", he says.

True! Why be single when you can be in love?, but it's LOVE we're talking about - quite possible the most precious and rarest commodity on planet Earth. Ha, I am cynical!

Another reason I am not entirely thrilled with Ted's arguments is that Ted likes to fix people up. Or actually fix up nice people who actually deserve to love and be loved - that's what he tells me. I am not very hopeful about the whole thing working out but I am thinking of meeting this guy up just so Ted can stop badgering me about it.

One good thing that I do see coming out of it which I am not entirely proud about is that this guy - Ted says that he looks alot like Siddharth. This does classify him as good looking but I really don't want to get committed to a guy just for face value. Not my style!

Phunking My Heart Out

2011-03-06T02:33:00.001+05:00

34,461 hits!

127 posts!

98 followers!

1 year!

I did it! Go Phunk Yourself!!! turns 1 today on 6th March 2011.

Exactly a year ago I began writing this blog and I never really expected it to go on for a year. I have seen alot of blogs that have lasted 5 years and are still running, they always made me wonder how the hell do these people do it?.

Where do they get the time? Where do they get the energy? Where do they get the ideas? I still don't have the answer to these questions, however I've stopped wondering. If it's meant to be, GPY!!! will go on for as long as it can. Maybe at some point I'll stop posting for good or perhaps I'll take a break from writing, maybe even name a successor. I don't know - it's all too far fetched to think of right now!

Right now I'm loving it and I really don't plan on stopping any time soon! I am finally in-charge of something that's gone for a year and has received moderate success if I may say myself. The highlight has no doubt been the reaction of all the readers and the occasional messages from silent followers. You all have really been a tremendous push that has kept me going. I have mentioned somewhere previously that I had a blog before that didn't quite go as successfully as GPY!!!.

GYP!!! has done alot more in a year than my previous blog did. I guess that would be because I never really show-cased my personality. It was as dull as the daily weather report. All salt, no spice!

Looking past over the time that has passed, I'm glad that I started this blog. The increase in my confidence has been noticeable as I have started realizing that my opinions aren't as crazy and immature as I believed them to be and that there are people who agree with me. I still have a few twisted views but then it's all a part of meeting someone who would provide me deeper insight into the topic. I am very open to discussion and more than glad for constructive criticism.

Time has been good to me, no doubt there. There have been moments which I will never been able to forget. The most noticeable quite definitely was falling in love with Nathan. Hopefully I have amused you people with my silliness and occasionally I've had help from geniuses like Ryan. I have opened myself here and quite surprisingly haven't been absconded as I usually expect. There have been issues of internal struggle that I have voiced and the response has fueled my desire to not give up, I have none but you to thank. Occasionally there have been moments where I have talked about my homeland, Pakistan and then some. I don't publicize myself as a Gay Rights Activist, however when I have put up something it has been assuring that people stood by me even then. It has truly been a blast!

I'm still on my journey. In fact I have got quite a good distance to go but I'll get there. I know I'll be breaking alot of hearts with the decisions I make, but it's time I start being responsible for my own act. If I mess up, it's my mess and I'll be paying for it. If it's a cause for celebration, I'll rejoice. I know my ideas aren't conventional but at the end of the day I should be doing me. Phunking my heart out!

To all those who have been reading, I can't thank you enough. You have really been amazing at what you do - after all, you got me here. Thank you and good night!

Super Embarassed

2011-03-02T17:12:00.000+05:00

A new family moved into the house right across ours. It's the very same house that once was occupied by this guy - Early readers of GPY!!! may remember this entry. It must be some nasty coincidence that once again the very same house is harboring a crush of mine. Actually it's housing two crushes of mine. Want to know the real cherry on the top of the cake?

They're brothers!

My dignity can really not fall any lower - Curse you blasted hormones! They moved in about two weeks ago. The age difference must not be much, perhaps they're fraternal twins. They have the same friends. Besides that I haven't really collected much information on them, also I am kind of hoping that I don't come across any juicy bits on them that causes my fire to burn stronger besides the one that I'll be telling later in this very post.

I first noticed one of them as he was unloading furniture from the moving truck. My heart immediately did a few somersaults of delight. Finally some eye candy in the neighborhood, I said to myself. As he disappeared carrying some lamps, another guy jumped from the truck and he was just as hotter as the first - if not more. I immediately started regretting this nasty twist of fate. Two brothers - two equally hot brothers! Can anybody seriously identify with my sad story and console me?!

I can't even begin to tell how many times I've thought of a threesome with them however the saint in me prevents me from going ahead and turning this fantasy into reality. However one thing that does rouse my curiosity is the older of the two - I don't know if he's older but he looks older. Anyhow so there is something about him that makes my Gaydar beep. Just last week he kept slapping his friends butt repeatedly. Yeah, not one friend but every single one of his friends. Besides that he's very touchy-feely. Always leaning on somebody and in really close proximity. There is a very good chance that he may not be aware of the concept of 'Personal Space' but whatever. He makes me go 'Rowrr!' more than the other one.

Infact my attraction to him has gone to such a point that he's often caught me looking at him. Yesterday I was gaping at his ass and he looked right up to me. No smile, no frown - mixed reaction. Maybe he was just too dumbstruck.

The crazy part of me is wishing that I run into him on the dating website and we start going out. But the sane part of me is praying heavily for that not to happen - I do not want to be committed and even more I do not want to know another gay person so closely into my life. I often tend to get attached to them drastically and when they're not around I miss them alot. Ryan is off to Canada these days and I'm missing him badly. He's coming back in a few days but college is so boring without him. Ryan called me up a few days ago and I told him about the brothers. Stupid arse couldn't stop laughing and then proceeded to excite me by creating a sex scenario involving the brothers and me. Eep!

Even though one of them makes me extremely suspicious, I will not be making any moves. As mentioned, not looking for a commitment and definitely not looking for anything else. We can be friends keeping the sexualities aside no matter what they may be.

From Then To Now

2011-02-28T20:59:00.001+05:00

By August 2006, it was time to say farewell to my A Levels crowd and institution. I had the most amazing time I could have asked for. While they were good moments and bad, I would not change a thing except the lie. Obviously everybody was now starting university, there were just two guys opting for medicine from our entire biology class of 13. This guy later created alot of drama in my life that involved Gracie, looking back at him right now I never expected it from him. But all that comes much much later!

It's 2011 right now and since our graduation, Alex and I have met about 13 times. Our meetings would turn 14 as we are planning another meet up sometime really soon. Since the gang has split off to various universities - some even different cities and countries - we manage to get together whenever we can. One outing we can always expect is during Ramadan. At almost all of our meets, if Alex gets a chance to get me alone he does ask me if anything new has happened with me regarding my sexuality. Except for this one time, my answer has been 'No'.

Everytime I tell him that there's nothing happening, he suggests that it's time that I give girls a try. Once he said, "They're not as bad as you think, you know!". My response to him was the 'You-Gotta-Be-Kidding-Me' look. Obviously I don't hate girls. It's stupid. They're so much fun to be with. Also sometimes Alex naivety about gays is hilarious.

The one time we did meet and I replied with a 'Yes', he was quite shocked. I was with Nathan at that time. He sat very silent for quite a long time, not talking to me. "So are you happy?", he asked me much later.

"Happy?", I ask him. "Kya matlab? (Translation; What do you mean?) ". Yeah, I occasionally dabble in Urdu.

"Are you happy with him?" Alex repeated in a quick whisper as if we were spies in enemy territory on some secret mission.

"I am! I am very happy! I will not go into details because you might vomit, but he's an amazing person and I really could not ask for anything more!" I told him. I remember having the biggest smile on my face.

"No difficulties?", he asked.

"Obviously not!", I reply. "There are. But which couples doesn't have disagreements. I know there are somethings we don't agree on, but that's okay. We understand. We argue. We love!" Crap, I'm such a drama-queen.

I had forgotten this line, but Alex later messaged me that if he ever has a fight with his wife he's going to use this on her. I wished him best. This happened in August 2010. Infact this was our latest meet!

Alex, even though never fully understood my situation, offered me support with his best intentions. I really couldn't have done it any better had I been in his shoes and my best friend came out to me.

Coming Out To Alex - Pt. 3

2011-02-26T16:08:00.000+05:00

I don't exactly remember clearly what day of the week I came out to Alex, but I do remember that the next time I went to school it was a Monday morning. Our party was a week away as scheduled on the coming Sunday, I had gotten to know through a mutual friend that the skit was perfection and I need to check it out. I wanted to - I co-wrote it after all! Alex had not bothered to contact me during the entire time but neither had I made an effort. I was completely convinced that our friendship is over.

Came Monday morning I arrived in school. As I walked into the cafeteria, my entire group was sitting in a circle. "Phunk, where have you been? Med school hasn't even started yet and you're already studying like a doctor. Take a break, man!" I was greeted. Alex was avoiding my look, at least both the times I looked at him. The only time he looked at me was when I had walked in.

A little while after, they started to perform in front of me. I really had no criticism against it. It flowed smoothly and they both were doing a great job. Male - female pairing did seem like a better idea than a male - male pairing for the program. Alex and the girl had brilliant chemistry. Alex's dunce act was brilliant. I couldn't help but laugh.

I was miserable on most parts over the past few days, but seeing Alex in school and his pretending that he doesn't notice me had completely pissed me off. At that moment I was indifferent. Whatever, I told myself. I can't take back my words. He doesn't realize how hard it was for me to come out and even more to come to terms with myself. If he doesn't want to acknowledge my sexuality, at least he could respect our friendship and be normal with me. Screw him, I told myself.

After the skit, I took to the library to get some papers from my exam preparation. Alex came a while later, he seemed to be looking for someone and surprisingly it turned out to be me. "So tell me really, how was the skit?" he asked.

"Quite good. The chemistry is really good and I think if we had done it together, it would have been this good! I got no complaints!" I signed for the papers and exited the library with Alex on my side.

"So we're not friends anymore?" he asks.

I literally stopped dead in my tracks. "Why do you want to be friends?" I asked suspiciously.

"Are you really asking me that?"

"I'm just curious! You certainly didn't want to be friends over the last week!" I told him.

"Give me a break, man! Nobody has ever told me such a thing! My reaction was impulsive!" I didn't respond to that remark. "I don't think being gay is right because homosexuality is prohibited in Islam, and I'm just scared for you. I won't apologize for my reaction, but I do still want to be friends! However if you don't feel the same, I won't bother you."

"I never expected you to understand." I told Alex. "However I do expect a little understanding. I'm not vying for you're sympathy. I'd love to be friends, but only if you don't start associating me with every type of perversity out there!"

I guess he couldn't respond with a 'Yes' but he did want to be friends with me. I missed him over the weekend although I would never admit it. We walked over to my car, "I will be leaving in a while myself. If you're not in a hurry to get back to your books, I could drop you!" he offered.

Wow!, he really does want to be friends!

Things slowly got better. I never really told Alex about the part that I had a crush on him. He did ask me once if I ever liked anybody from school. I told him I was just minutely attracted to a few guys and to one guy alot in particular. He didn't say anything at that moment, however once when we were at his place he asked me about that one guy. Just to tease him, I lied that it was this one guy who Alex disliked with a passion.

After noticing the look of shock on Alex's face, I confessed that I was lying and I don't like anyone in particular. I am not telling Alex under any condition that to date he's one of my craziest crushes. Something are better left untold!

And that's the entire story of how Alex became the second person who I told about my darkest secret.

Coming Out To Alex - Pt. 2

2011-02-24T16:34:00.001+05:00

Just as soon as those words left my mouth I started dreading them. I really did want Alex to know but not like this. Never did I plan on coming out to him in the middle of our school ground. Alex seemed to go completely blank for a second. I started apologizing immediately.

"Stop!" Alex mumbled. "How can you be gay?"

"I really don't know. Even I wonder at times about it, but I really have no idea as to why am I gay!", I told him in an extremely apologetic tone.

"Are you sure?", he asked.

"Quite definitely!"

There was complete silence for a while. It's like somebody had sucked the air out of the atmosphere and all that was left was this feeling of emptiness. Alex just stood there, he was casting a huge shadow. He was about 6 ft. tall, that was one of the thing I liked about him. His height!

I kept looking at the ground. I could not look at Alex. After a very long time, I was feeling ashamed for my sexuality. It wasn't that I had gotten used to it. It was that I had started learning to live with it. However right now, all the effort that I put into being patient and understanding towards myself was replaced with anguish and shame. I was pretty sure that this would change things forever between us. Maybe coming out to Alex was a wrong move on my part after all, I thought.

"You can't be gay! Gays are so feminine! You have seen those guys dressed up as girls on the streets, right? Chakas! Hijra! They're gay! You're not gay!" Alex rambled on.

"God! You're embarrassing me! A guy can be very much gay but still be a man! Not every gay wants to dress up like a woman, you know!", I tried explaining.

"Then how can you explain your attraction?"

"I can't!"

"Then you're not gay! You're.....confused!" Alex explained.

"Dude, I'm not confused! Seriously you need to stop insulting me. Somethings I just know!" I explained. "This is one of them! I just know! I can't explain how, but I just know!"

"Have you ever done it with a guy?", he asked.

"Not yet!", I told him.

"What!? You actually plan on doing it with a guy?", he yelled in shock.

"I didn't say that. I said I haven't done anything yet!", I repeated my words slowly and carefully. "There is a difference between the two!"

"Fuck! Get a girl, Phunk!" Alex pleaded. I don't exactly remember how long we fought, but I do remember that it kept getting worse with every passing second. Somewhere along the lines Alex warned how I am paving my own road to Hell.

"We are not discussing this!", I shot back. He clearly did not understand any of my difficulties. "I'm going home! If she clears the script, do it with a girl! I'm pretty that God won't scorn over it!" Originally Alex and I were planning on hosting the ceremony through the 'Why We Fail?' segment. Alex did not follow me to the cafeteria where we had kept our bags. I exited our school short after and headed straight for home.

As soon as I got home, I went to my room. Mom felt that something had gone terribly wrong, but I lied to her about something upsetting regarding the event we were organizing and that I was too tired to eat. I lay on my bed and don't quite remember when I went to sleep. I got up around 9PM feeling a little better. I knew in the back of my head what had happened earlier in the day but somewhere a part of me felt that it was some distant nightmare. I must have slept for about six to seven hours. I took a bath and had dinner. I decided to finally get some studying done as I was scheduled to appear in my A Levels in two months. Eeek!

After about two hours of solid studying; Yeah, even I was surprised I managed to get that much done given the earlier happenings of the day. Looking back I realized Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway pulled me through. I had just gotten started on my Kelly Clarkson trip after getting addicted to American Idol the previous year when Carrie Underwood won.

There was a text message from Alex on my cell phone. "Kaisay ho? (How are you?) "

"I'm fine! You?", I responded.

"I'm good! The script's cleared! Are you sure you do not want to do it?", he asked.

I wondered for a moment. I really wanted to do it. There were so many brilliant teachers I had which I wanted to personally pay a tribute, but teaming with Alex would be very awkward. "No! Thanks for asking though!"

There was a long wait before the next text message came. "I'll make sure to mention that it was your idea. See you tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow? Why?" I asked him quite surprised.

After another long wait. "Nothing. I just thought you would be coming!"

"I'm not! I need to study!"

There was no exchange of messages after that. I got back to my books. A part of me was saying that Alex still would like to be friends, however I did not want to get my hopes up. My own sexuality was something I had not fully come to peace with, how can I expect someone else to understand?.

The last part would be up on Saturday for sure. Once again, i felt it all was too much for you guys to handle.

Also I don't quite know why but I'm on a really huge Kelly Clarkson trip since the past two days. The two songs below are currently sitting on top my iTunes plays.

I love me some Kelly!

Coming Out To Alex - Pt. 1

2011-02-22T11:53:00.001+05:00

As our school year came to an end, our batch grew busy in organizing a special event that we wanted to do as a tribute to our teachers. Although it didn't come to be because majority of the teachers were busy in scheduling exam papers and related stuff, we had a good time in planning and rehearsing for the event. In the end, we organized a boring dinner at PC Sheraton that happened after the exams.

We needed some entertainment for the event. Primarily there were just two forms on entertainment that students came up with. Either the student body did an imitation skit of their various professors or we hired some musical guest to make an appearance. The fault with the former was that it was done to death and I also felt that it is slightly disrespectful. How would you feel if you were invited to a party in your honor and you were mocked there openly in front of your colleagues?.

I'm pretty sure the feeling won't be even remotely nice. The second option although very appropriate was highly impractical. While we tended to be gravitated towards the likes of Black Eyed Peas, Shakira, Linkin Park. Our teachers preferred the likes of Sufi music and the music of 70s and 80s. Something we knew nothing about.

Yours truly came up with a truly original idea of a skit titled 'Why We Fail?'. It basically was a compilation of the various juicy facts and fiction along with video and pictures so as to provide proof as to why brilliant students like us fail their not-so-brilliant exams. The entire batch was invited to lend their support and tell us whatever they knew. The response we got was hilarious with some very weird and hopefully fabricated answers. Alex and I rounded a couple of people to filter through them and then got down to making the skit out of it.

It took two days but we managed to pull it off, and when we gave the test run to a few of our peers they loved it. Before being finally approved for the event, it had to be approved. But we didn't want any of our professors to do so, then the entire idea would be out. So far we had them believing that we are doing an imitation skit. Nasty bunch of liars we were, I tell you!

We got another source to proof-read and approve the script for us. She told us to leave the script and get back to us after an hour or two. We did as we were told. "I really do believe that this is going to be great!", Alex said fixing his hair in the boys room.

"If they reject it, we can always go back and do the imitation as revenge!", I replied.

To be very honest, I didn't plan on coming out to Alex that day. I did plan on doing it sometime before we completely lost touch coming September as I started my medical college and he started his business one. We left the boys room and were walking around in the school ground. Lone expanses with no other living soul other than me and Alex. It was a Saturday morning. "I want to tell you something!", I confessed. I don't know why I always say the previous words when I want to confess something. I guess it is a sign for the other person to get ready however they are rarely ready for the what I have to say.

"I really didn't have any feelings for the girl in my biology lab!", I tell him.

"What?!" Alex shouted in surprise.

"Yeah!" I told him. "I really do not have any feelings for her!"

"Then why did you lie to me? And why have you been lying to me for so long? Nodding you're head whenever I asked you if the feelings you had for her were the same I had for Rida so that I can conclude if my feelings were real or not!" he exploded all over me. "Dude, I'm so mad at you right now!"

"What was I to do? Douchebag was forcing everyone to tell their secret crush/love/make-out buddy! There was no way he would have let me go. You do know how he is!" I snapped.

"Okay, I get that! But you could have told me later that it was just some stupid lie!", Alex complained.

"I agree. I could have told you. But to be honest, I was more concerned about her. You know how girls are. The moment they find out that some guy is attracted to them, they start distancing themselves. While I have no feelings for her, I enjoyed her company in the biology lab and how well she knew her stuff!", I told him.

Alex did not say anything in response to my latest reply. "Anyways, I told her a few days ago about this lie and we had a laugh over it!", I told him to lighten the mood. He was very surprised that I had managed that bit and was still standing very much in flesh and blood in front of him.

Alex was thinking about something. Whenever Alex was deep in thought, he would cover his mouth with his hand and his eyes would stop in one place. I had seen this face a million times in the past few months. I could read this one like a book. "Okay, so you're not attracted to her. Then who?", he asked.

"Who? Is it really that necessary to be attracted to somebody?" I asked him.

"Well not really! But you're 18, there has to be someone who you must have liked or wanted?!" he poked me again.

"Dude! Very honestly, there's nobody!"

"Nobody in school?"

"Nobody!"

"Outside school?"

Nopes!"

"Family?"

"Ew! No!"

"So you've never been attracted to any girl?"

"Nopes! I have never been attracted to any girl!" I told him looking into his eyes point blank.

"I don't believe you! You don't trust me and that's why you are not telling me!" Alex argued.

"I trust you! I honestly do, but I have never been attracted to girls!" I tried explaining him. Although I seemed very composed at that time inside I felt like someone had turned me into a liquid mess.

"Then what? Do you like guys?" Alex blasted.

"Is that so bad?"

"What? To like guys?", Alex asked. "Obviously, it's weird! Really really weird!"

I completely flipped at his reaction and in a blind flash of anger I exploded "Newsflash my friend, your best friend for the past 2 years happens to like guys!"

I can't possibly complete the entire event without boring you, also I'm quite literally shaking all over my body right now. I will be posting the next part in a two or three days. Thanks for reading!!

Gossip Guys

2011-02-20T11:54:00.002+05:00

As children one of the lessons we're told very clearly and often regularly is to never ever lie. No matter what happens, we should never ever lie. Lying is wrong. Lying is an unforgivable sin. Liars go to hell.

Rarely do people learn to pick up on this lesson and this results in incident like the following happening in their lives.

After the revelation of Alex's 'affair' dawned on our class, there was no stopping all the teasing and poking from the guys. By the time you managed to shut up one of them another one would start squawking like a mad crow. It's not that they were genuinely pleased to see it come to an end but it seemed that was all people were talking about. However I suppose that people rarely got an opportunity to poke fun at Alex, usually it was Alex at the giving end. This could have been pure simple revenge!

Sometime in December it was boy's night out, some of the guys decided to raid a local pizza hut without the ladies. I was amongst them. As much as I enjoy the company of women, sometimes you have to be with guys amongst all the flying profanities, dirty jokes and a crazy food orgy. This particular gathering really bought a few rain clouds on my parade. Through the conversation somebody got hung over on garlic powder or drunk on too much Pepsi, but he wanted us to all bond together. Become brothers and BS like that!

How did he devise we do that?

We should confess about the girl(s) we like!

WTF?! WTF?! WTF?!

That's the exact reaction nearly everybody on the table had about his decision. How would telling others about our women would bring us closer? We're barely 16! Not even legal! We really don't have any girl trouble in our lives- unless these girls happened to be our moms.

In order to get the ball rolling, he started the confession. He pushed his best friend to tell everybody next and one by one, everybody divulged who they loved or had feelings for or if they were already in a relationship. Fortunately I was located on the other end of the table compared to the douchebag supreme, so the sword came pretty late on my head. I didn't want to lie and fabricate some stupid lie, and I certainly didn't want to come out over a pizza. But everybody kept pushing me to tell, including Alex. Since I wasn't naming anybody, people started to make guesses. It all started bothering me so freak'in much that I named this girl who happened to be my biology lab partner. God, I'm such a geek! There was a collective 'Woohoo' across the table and some pats on my back that caused my glasses to be knocked off and fall into my soda glass. The round of confession began again, I started feeling guilty immediately about lying. Alex was disturbed that I didn't decide on telling him, he felt that I could not trust him. I had bigger fish to fry so for the first time I really didn't care how Alex felt.

Once everyone had confessed, there was some solemn promise that nobody would leak this precious info to anybody outside the table. What happened in Pizza Hut, doesn't leave Pizza Hut!

Thankfully nobody leaked the info, even though I was feeling horrible about lying. The worst part was the weird googly eyes that people made everytime they saw me working in the biology lab with her. Even Alex was a part of this charade of incredible stupidity and cheapness. I just kept telling myself to pull through the next four months and then you really wouldn't have to deal with any of it. I kind of felt like the kid who was bullied constantly.

I eventually confessed to the girl one day the make-shift story of mine, she had a nice laugh over it. "That explains all the weird stares I got in the lab!", she told me.

"You saw them?", I asked.

"Are you kidding? I could have been blind and still noticed them!", she told me.

"I thought you would go bat-shit crazy and ditch me completely!", I confessed.

"Not really! It's high school! Since when is it without drama?!" she joked.

True enough, I thought. My A Levels was filled with a butt load of drama!

My Missing Puzzle Piece

2011-02-17T16:12:00.000+05:00

I finally found you

My missing puzzle piece

I'm complete

- Katy Perry @ Teenage Dream

It comes to no surprise that Katy Perry's Teenage Dream was a huge source of inspiration for this creation of mine. When it comes to giving a gift, especially for someone special, I want the gift to be special. I can not just buy something off a shelf and have it wrapped. I need to somehow make it my own. If I can't come up with anything original, I go with chocolates. They're the most unoriginal thing you can find that you would not feet guilty of giving. Besides everybody loves chocolates!

I conceived this idea very suddenly and I wanted to give it at that very second. Nathan was still in Pakistan at that point, but I knew that Nathan would think it was way too soon. Plus Nathan freaked out very easily when it came to gifts. Once I mentioned that I got something for him and he assumed I got us rings. And you people say I have a wild imagination!

So I kept it to myself at least till the next year. Nobody knew about it, except for Christian. He loved the idea but he thought it was way too early as well. I rely on him alot for advice so without any second thoughts I shelved the idea for the next summer. The next season of summer is coming up in a few months, however I'm no longer with Nathan. But that's okay. Everything happens for a reason!

So without any further stalling, let me reveal to you guys my idea of Nathan's Valentine Day present. Had we still been together, it would have been 11 months and 2 days exactly since we started and I think by then I totally deserved to do something like this.

I like the geeky kind of vibe the shirt gives as I am abit of geek.

Originally it was a two part shirt, with me having the exact same design except for the red piece. However one would do enough. I know this awesome shop that prints just about anything you want on t-shirts, mugs, plates, laptops, iPhones as well. But all that I couldn't give to Nathan - yet, so I was settling for this shirt.

And that my beloved readers was my idea for my Valentine gift. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first one to have come up with it, but if anybody of you likes them they are fully allowed to go ahead with it for their lover. Just make sure to snap a picture and send it to me, I would LOVE to see how this looks in real.

P.S. A million thanks to Ms. Katy Perry for giving me the inspiration for this awesome gift! You rock!

Teenage Dream

2011-02-14T20:52:00.001+05:00

I didn't plan on doing a Valentine's Day post. I honestly didn't! It's not because I am single and I hate everybody that is in love right now. I am very much happy and satisfied being single, I get to meet alot of interesting characters.

However an image posted in the spirit of Valentine's Day by my friend Artistry of Male inspired me to taint my blog with a V-Day post.

Grow Old With You

Besides there is really nothing original in my views about Valentine's Day. I do believe that Love is not meant to be celebrated once a year, it's meant to be celebrated all year round. I do believe that if you have that special someone, you do everything in your power to show that person that they are your priority. I do believe that you do not need cards, a box of chocolates or red heart shaped balloons (Yuck!) to express your love. Flowers you do occasionally need. And lastly I completely believe that Hallmark and similar companies are hell bent upon emptying our pockets in the name of Valentine's Day. How can Valentine's Day cause the price of TV to go down? What the two have in relation anyway? You are going to gift your lover a TV and have them put it in the bedroom so that you two can be miserable together in many sex-less nights?

Being in love is most definitely one of the most amazing feelings in the world and I do wish that everybody does find somebody to love - gay, straight or bi, whatever. We all deserve to be loved. However falling in love is easy. Staying in love is the hard part. A friend of mine said something to me a few weeks back that made me smile instantly. It's remarkable how simply but wonderfully the said friend's lover put it;

"Love is not about how much you care in the beginning but how much you care till the end"

However nobody needs any lessons on loving someone from me, infact nobody can teach you how to love. Being in love involves a huge risk, but if the person's worth it - fall right now, bitch!

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"

- Billy Crystal from When Harry Met Sally

Although this movie was released abit less than two years after I was born, I watched it in 2006 from my sister's collection and it became one of my all time favorites. Especially the line that I have mentioned above has been stuck in my head ever since. I simply can't get it out of my head. I simply can't!

One thing that annoys me even beyond all the consumerism that explodes on Valentine's Day is the moaning, bitching, whining, groaning of single people. Okay, so you are not in love but so are alot of people all over the world. You're not the only one. Why be so freak'in miserable?

Valentine's Day is a celebration of love. You don't need to be in love to celebrate it. If you have ever loved, you already know what Valentine's Day is all about. Wish those in love the best, and perhaps next year you too will have someone to go sickeningly sweet with. If you're single, enjoy Valentine's Day like I did with alot of crazy songs and good food.

If I could sing, I would sing to express my love. In the last year, I think there has been no better love song than Katy Perry's Teenage Dream.

-----------------------------------------------

I got an email from a reader asking if I was still with Nathan, how would I celebrate Valentine's Day?.

Before I go ahead to answer that question, I can not believe somebody has been following me for so long. It's like having a secret best friend that I don't even know about. To who ever you are, where you are from - HUGS!!

I have to say that originally I considered not answering this question because even with my creativity I could not have celebrated Valentine's Day with Nathan being in a whole different country. However when he would have come to Pakistan in the summer of 2011 I would have definitely given him some good good loving.

I did have an idea for something, however I can't really explain it. I am going to be doing a post on it later with illustrations so that you guys can have a better idea about what I wanted. I took inspiration from Teenage Dream itself, but that's all I am telling you now.

Next post, I promise is going to be on my gift idea. To those hanging on the Alex story line, I'm going to be returning to it after the gift post. Expect the next post on the Alex saga to be up by Saturday or sometime early next week for sure.

Dear Lady GaGa

2011-02-11T16:03:00.002+05:00

Dear Lady GaGa,

Hope you're doing fabulous as usual. I can't put to words how forward I was looking to 2011 because you would be releasing your 3rd studio effort. On the MTV Video Awards last year, you announced your album title Born This Way, and I fell in love with it instantly. I've been waiting for it ever since and I seriously can't wait for May 23rd when you would take over the world once again.

I am really looking forward to the Grammy this year as it will the first ever live performance of your new song Born This Way. And we all know that nobody can quite put on a show like you do!

When I first read about the title, I just knew that it would be something in relation to homosexuality and being allowed to love and live free no matter how you are. I can't put into words how much I agreed to the message of this song. It solidified my ideology of how a person's sexuality is something that is defined at birth and no matter how much you try, nobody can choose to be straight, gay or bi or even switch between any of them. It's a choice already made for you and you have to live with it!

On January 27th when you released the lyrics for Born This Way. I am really happy that you expanded your song's theme to beyond the borders of homosexuality and have included just about any type of discrimination under the sun. However I do have a little issue that I can't digest.

I do not want to see you go down in flames but I feel that with this song you maybe pushing the envelope abit too far and abit too much. I had not heard it back then but I was still willing to give it a listen. I genuinely believe in your artistic creativity, however I still can't get over the lyrics.

Don't be a drag - just be a queen

I am a small time supporter of transsexuals, however I find this line extremely degrading towards them. Essentially the term 'Drag Queen' is not an insult and was coined by transsexuals themselves, but from the line in the song it makes me feel that Drag Queen is an insult!

As I said before I am a fan of yours and I love yours songs, however your lyrics have received a wide range of criticism. You have been called from 'Devil's daughter' to 'The Ultimate Fag Hag' to 'Hermaphrodite Psycho' who can't sing to save her life. I commend you that you didn't let any of that break you down. However the people who like your songs, are now alienated and classified as Monsters. As every celebrity's fans decide upon a name for their legion, you have aptly named yours 'Monsters'. You're amazingly talented, however turning hate into positivity is something even you can't manage.

Another thing that irks me is how some of your fans have raised you to Godhood. The term adoration and idolatry worship has gone to a completely new level ever since you have started speaking out for LGBT Rights. I love that you're just one little soul who's doing so much for us. However the more people gravitate towards you, the more gays and straights get separated. I believe the mission is to unite us. It really isn't possible when many of your fans hold ridiculously messed up notions about you in their pretty little heads. I'm no hater, but the next time I hear someone say 'Oh My GaGa!' I would do an African war cry and punch them square on their nose.

Today, February 11th, you have finally released the much waited track Born This Way. Am I in love with it? A little bit! Am I going to be singing it on the top of my lung? Only when I am alone. I would commend that you have indeed created the perfect collaboration between disco and pop music, this would probably be the Pride Anthem for the next hundred years. You're message of self-love is clear, I commend you for keeping your lyrics simple and clean.

I love you - in normal amounts. I love your songs - in normal amounts. You can do alot and perhaps you will. You want people to be themselves, but be a popstar and not a pop monster!

Sincerely,

Phunk Factor