Aug 24, 2011

Issues; Confused in Love

I am very good friends with a guy and I like him. I am not sure if he likes me the same way as I do. I do know that he's gay/bi, have not really discussed but he has slept around with some guys. I feel at times he isn't someone who would desire to be in a relationship. He even makes fun of them sometimes in front of me and our friends. But then he generally makes fun of the whole idea of being in love and being in a relationship. I have tried forgetting him but that has not worked well at all. I found myself thinking about him even more. I have never suggested or discussed the possibility of a relationship either in fear of loosing him. What should I do?

I think you already have the answer to your problem, and it is a big fat no, but let's go over it. So first things first, just because he has been with a couple of guys doesn't necessarily mean that he is into guys. One thing that I have come to realize over the past year is that sexuality doesn't necessarily generate into a specific sexual activity. People are very flexible towards sex nowadays, alot more than they would like to admit to themselves and others. I know a gay guy who has had sex with women, I can't exactly recall if he enjoyed it or not right now. Then I have come across straight guys who like to score an easy ass. They like to tap into our ever ready and ever willing horny gay brothers, who welcome them with open arms - or in this case, open legs. So to conclude just because he has fooled around with guys, does not imply towards his sexuality.

Secondly gay or bi, if he does not want to be in a relation there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. And from the looks of it, I would say that he would not touch the relationship tag with a ten foot pole. It is your decision whether you voice these feelings or not, but it is his decision to reciprocate them equally towards you. Anything less from him is not only unfair to you, but also in time would not be enough for you. You would either want out or want more. Both may and probably would lead to a messy situation.

Last but frankly the most important, you have not mentioned if he is aware of the fact that you are attracted to guys. The reason I am saying this is that I have a feeling that he maybe a homophobe. However if you have told him and he is still friends with you then he is not. In the unfortunate circumstance that he happens to be one, believe me a relationship is the last thing you would want from him.

You already have the answer, buddy. You just need a push in the right direction. I would advice you to cool yourself down and give yourself time. Eventually you would move on, because eventually everyone moves on.

Oh and a big thank you for writing. I was out of ideas about what to post, but your E-mail gave me a few day break to get my thoughts together and come up with something. Thank you once again!


Andrea Almanza said...

I completely agree with Phunkie. Sometimes a crush is difficult to get over. Another suggestion is next time he is making fun of a conquest this person could say something like : dude if you werent so unthankful of the the people trying to be in your life and you could actually take love seriously, id even date you, unfortunately thats not the case. By his reaction he'd be able to tell where this guys head is at. Just a thought.

Zeeshan Haider said...

Hi phunk.

You are facing the same issue as I had to face 2 months back. A guy who was a bi by statement, making fun of love and relationship possibility and all the signs that you mentioned. I tried the guy once in the bed, and had to tell him that he scored zero out of 10. Threw him in the bin, since he had no factor to cling to. Guess what after the 3rd of disconnection, he called back for a causal hangout once again. I definitely wanted to say no, but my friend sitting beside me told me to keep him on hold. My friend told me that what the fuck is wrong with me, the guy is half way acceptable, and due to imaginary Mr.Right's Quality List, I am going to lose everything that life offers.
Anyway, thought to meet him again, and guess what we are in relationship now, which started as hangout, progressed to Romantic blackouts, Polygamous Romantic State, and today Monogamous soul mate thing. It took us a month process.
The point is that you lower down your expectation. Forget about the future. Just invest, Like I have done, he is a bi and will get married, well I will deal with it when it happens, for now I have him around filling in the void.

Best of luck

Phunk Factor said...

@ Andrea Almanza

That could be another solution as well, however in such a case he may loose his friend...which i think he doesn't want.

However it is a good solution none the less!

@ Zeeshan Haider

It's not me, man but a reader who messaged me with his trouble. :)

Thanks for the concern though.

Ur situation might have been very much exceptional, not everybody has such luck. :)

And there were no mistakes that I could detect! :)

Mind Of Mine said...

I think the problem is here is in your head you have put yourself in a relationship with him.

As you said, he might not be open to a relationship right now but that doesn't mean you should count him out right now.

There is nothing to say you can't make your interest known, get to know him better, intimate or otherwise. Let it happen organically.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Mind Of Mine

"I think the problem is here is in your head you have put yourself in a relationship with him"

Interesting take. I do like this PoV!

Trickle Down BS said...

Thanks for the comment on my is a good thing you did because I had some virus in my computer a while back and I had to erase all the blogs from my favorites list...yours never got re-instated. Now it is!

M@rvin said...

"Then I have come across straight guys who like to score an easy ass. They like to tap into our ever ready and ever willing horny gay brothers, who welcome them with open arms - or in this case, open legs."

Howlarious! If I was drinking something while reading that, trust me, it would be all over my laptop LOL.

I agree though. Sexual behavior and identity are not necessarily linked. Also agree with Mind of Mine above - the problem is the letter writer has already put himself in a relationship with this dude in his mind.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Raulito

Oh crap. Sorry to hear about ur computer, man!

Hope u got it fixed in time!

@ M@rvin


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