Aug 30, 2011

I Should Have Kissed You

It was 1st of August. Ramadan would be starting the very next day. Josh's exams would be starting in two weeks. We will not be able to meet for at least a month, so we had decided to meet one last time to hold us off and get us through. This meeting was not planned ahead. It happened very spontaneously. Josh asked me out in response to my 'Good Morning' text. "I'd love to but can you make time?", I asked him.

"We won't go far." he replied so I agreed.

"Oh and I'll be picking you up. Cool?", he asked.

"Super cool!", I replied. Normally I would have been hesitant but with us living very close together, I knew he would not be going out of his way to pick me up. I wasn't a fan of the fact that he didn't trust my skills behind the wheel but in such cases, it's best not to make such people feel that they are being neurotic.

I told him that he should study as his afternoon would be taken up by me, it was a real task convincing him. He kept promising that he would start as soon as he got back home from the date. But I was strict and stubborn. I told him that I would call the whole thing off if he doesn't study right now. I would confess that I had no plans of doing such a thing, however desperate times call for desperate measures.

I was still getting ready when Josh text messaged me that he's waiting at the corner of the street where I told him to wait. It took me about ten minutes to get to him, and I apologized for the delay. "It's okay. I know girls take time getting ready!", he teased.

"Obviously. We want to look good for our man!", I contributed to his joke. We went to a near by mall. The date was uneventful to be honest so I would not be blogging about it later at Coffee & Boys. We walked around alot and ate tons of Gelato. We kept going back for more trying new flavors and relishing the ones that were our sure fire favorites. We even had ice-cream with our garlic mayo french fries. Yes, it was one full fat love affair but with Ramadan starting, we knew we would shed it off somehow. At least Josh was sure - the dude has gone terribly skinny since he hit adolescence.

We were on our tenth or twelfth cup when Josh got a call from his mother. She was going out for grocery shopping, and the house would be empty. Josh told her that he has the keys so it's not a problem and that he would be home soon. He disconnected and we walked around abit more. "Hey. Would you mind if we go back to my place and..?", he stopped mid sentence.

Being the naturally smart( Read; Horny) person that I am, I guessed what he wanted to know. "Get intimate?", I completed. He nodded sheepishly. I nodded happily back. We left the mall instantly and got into his car.

No sooner had I agreed to it that the great 'Kissing Josh' debate exploded in my head like a nuclear bomb. It was all I could think about. The same thoughts that had been plaguing my mind recently started their war dance full force. Both the sides were equally adamant of claiming victory. Pushing forward and towards each other, just as one side would inch forward pushing the other back the other would retaliate and gain ground once again. It was the nastiest mental tug of war ever.

I would tell you right now that this had been going on in my head since the past few weeks. I had even confided about it to a couple of friends. And now it's your turn to get the scoop. I wanted to kiss Josh. I wanted to kiss Josh really bad. My lips had gone dry, parched and quite possibly a little swollen from all the time I was biting them looking at Josh's lip move as he talked. The last time I had made out with someone was July 12th 2010. It had been a year of nobody but my hand. I wanted to hold someone close and tug at their lips, drink into their warmness and let the senses run wild. And here was the perfect guy for the task. An absolutely adorable guy who I could literally eat up in a second.

However all my impulses to throw myself at Josh were entirely carnal. I did not feel it in my heart for him, and I knew it. I knew perfectly well that feeling you have when you want someone with you. I have experienced that high before, and this was nothing like that high. It seemed more out of necessity and desperation that I had pursued Josh. Because I did not want to be alone. What made it all even worse was that I was pretty sure about what Josh felt for me. I knew he had taken the bait and had been reeled in.

I thought that maybe if I kiss him, I would feel something. Anything! But what if I felt absolutely nothing except that inner hunger of getting physical finally being fed a prime steak. I am not the world's best kisser by any means. Till the date of this event, I had kissed just two guys. It's like my friends say - I'm a frigg'in lesbian!

"Josh, I can't kiss you just yet.", I told him all of a sudden. It vomited out of my mouth. I had no idea how close we were to his place when I told him this dirty little secret.

"Why?", he asked. He was clearly hurt.

"I'm not ready yet.", I told him. I could not even look at him right now. I was most definitely the most pathetic person ever in his eyes because of this tirade. "Don't ask me anything more please. I swear it's not you. It's me!", I added. Oh God!, I thought to myself. Did I just seriously use that severely abused break up lines?! I should just shut up.

"Just drop me at the next stop, I'll go home myself.", I requested Josh.

Josh did just that and I don't blame him. I can't blame him. I was the one being the jerk here. "I shall text you later. Take care. Drive safe!", I told him and stepped out. Josh didn't say anything in response to my last words.

I got home and took a nice long bath. I felt like banging my head against the wall but I was far too exhausted to do anything other than just stand there under the running water. I contacted Josh later that night but got no response from him. I fired an apology text message and went to sleep, hoping things would somehow magically get better tomorrow. However this was the point that Josh and I started to drift apart.

However I do believe that I did the right thing. Now either this makes me the most fair man in the world or the most arrogant bugger you would ever have the opportunity to come across. You decide!


SpiritMountainGuy said...

I've kissed women before but felt nothing, nothing at all. Then some years later I kissed a guy I really liked..a french kiss and I truly felt a connection, unlike kissing a woman. So what held you back? - V

Tanan said...

Getting laid and denying kissing is completely different things man.And now I know why josh dumped u.To be honest I would do the same if anyone who is going out with me for a while,knows me for month,friggin flirts with me and denies a simple kiss. Kissing him would be the best way to find out if you wanna pursue him or not. And I think you were just scared of getting intimate with a guy. I think it was time for your relation to proceed to the next level.You knew him for almost 3 months,man! I m pissed at you. And you tell me I push away guys.

Phunk Factor said...

@ V

I was scared that the kiss could mean something different for him than what it did for me....and ni the case that it did, I would have no idea how to make a clean break away!

@ Tanan

U won't say the same once I start hooking up! :p

Tanan said...

Yeah,Uptight and keep an open mind.I ll never ever forgive you for this.You prude!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Tanan

Don't take this the wrong the only person who I would ask for forgiveness in this case is Josh! :)

Trickle Down BS said...

What you felt was pure lust...after a while you learn to differentiate it from the promise of a relationship and a possible love affair.
Lust you feel in your groin, love is in your stomach and heart as they both go and do cartwheels when you are in his company.
good post buddy.


Hadi Hussain said...

You did the right thing :) mwah

Whimsical Hatter said...

ay vey! Being Carnal is OK.Ah, but the joys of a being a 'prude'.. the jazz!:-p

Aaron Khan said...

Although i do agree wid u 2 sum extent, sumtimes i feel v think too much bout things. its just a kiss rite? ppl hav casual sex n they dont fall 4 each other. dis ws just a kiss. but it ws sweet of u 2 protect josh's feelings.

Abdul Rehman Khan said...

ummm i would say tum SOCHTAY BHT HO!!!!!! :P

Faisal Khan said...

R u actually that righteous?! C'mon it's only a kiss, for crying out loud!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Raulito

Exactly. I realize that feeling, and I realize that I am seems very much bladder dash but it ain't...i can swear upon that.

Thanks for confirmation!

@ Hadi Hussain

Ab may kiss ko puppy doon ga? :'(

@ Whimsical Hatter

Hahahaa...not really, babe. I'm receiving hate mail for being a bitch to Josh!

@ Aaron Khan

I could have been just a kiss for not from HIM. Can't really do much about that, u know?!

@ Abdul Rehman Khan

Hahahaha...that I do. That I totally do. They call me Mr. Thinker after all!

@ Faisal Khan

It's not about being righteous...or maybe it is..i don't know at that point, it felt the right thing to do....AND i'd probably do the same thing again if I'm put in the same situation - hahaha..i'm such a dheet hadee! :p

Secret Admirer said...

did you discuss the same with him?

Whimsical Hatter said...

really, hate-mail! wow! the 'makings of true celebrity'. don't forget this simpleton, once you see all that Jazz of tinsel town!
Like seriously, you weren't being a Bitch! You did try your best to make amends and explain to Josh! so, you played fair, atleast in my perspective. :-)

Phunk Factor said...

@ Secret Admirer

I already told him even before we met for the first time that I only kiss when I am absolutely sure of my feelings...which he thought was a completely ridiculous notion.

You can read it up on Call Me Old Fashioned -

@ Whimsical Hatter

LOL...not really. Just a few anonymous comments left on my Formspring! :p

I know i played...that's why they didn't get to me.

M@rvin said...

With no one else at home, I doubt a kiss would have stayed at just that ;-) So maybe it was the right thing. But I think he felt very rejected by this. To keep a man, you have to give him something to look forward to too!

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Hehehehe...i'll admit that thought crossed my mind as well! :p

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