Jun 18, 2011

Issues; No Man Of Mine

I am a 39 year old Pakistani man living in a foreign land. I have been dating since the past 20 years, basically ever since I came here but have been unable to find anything substantial. My longest relationship has been of about a year and a half, and that was six years ago. I have done everything possible but have been met with failure every single time. Should I give up on dating altogether? Could my disastrous dating life have anything to do with me being Pakistani?

I love your blog. Please never stop writing!

No, I don't think you being Pakistani has anything to do with you still being single. You refused to disclose your location so I have no idea that where you are from and how do the people of that country perceive Pakistan to be. Even if I take into consideration the general negative stigma that surrounds Pakistan and being Pakistani, I doubt it's something so damn concrete that anybody won't be able to shake it off.

Do you get the cold shoulder treatment after you have told them about this piece on you?

If so, perhaps it is the reason. However I sincerely feel that this is no logical grounds of rejecting someone. If that was the case, I would turn down every Indian that came my way. There are numerous factors that come into consideration when people tend to think of someone as a potential boyfriend, and I doubt nationality is something people take into account. Ethnicity perhaps maybe a concern as many profiles sport the 'No Asians' tag quite often. Also let me add that being Pakistani is something you can't change about yourself, you have spent a good part of your life in Pakistan and to have to deny it to get somebody to love you is a grievous crime against your very identity. I'd dump somebody who has such a pin hole view, and he's welcome to his keep his views and the stick he has up his ass to himself.

About you giving up on dating, I am not quite sure how to respond. Don't be offended but some people tend to give off a 'desperate' vibe, and quite often this causes potential boyfriends to run in the opposite direction. Instead of dating, go out on casual meets. First meetings on a one on one basis can be very nerve wrecking, especially in the case of individuals who have been repeatedly rejected. Any gay meets happening in a place near you?

Hit these places with all the confidence you can pile on yourself. Chat up a few people and be sure to be as casual as possible. Nobody needs to know that you may have spotted a potential suitor in them. Once things have hit a comfortable stride, exchange numbers and invite him on a one on one meeting. Nothing should be considered boyfriend potential, until the third date at least.

My next suggestion will probably make you want to kill me, but instead of focusing on a boyfriend focus on friends. And if you still have not felt the need to kill me, have you considered being Single by choice?

I would admit that it may take sometime getting used to, but somebody I know found his love when he decided to be single by choice. He had it all programmed meticulously, and then this guy showed up and pursued him. Obviously my friend weighed his odds before getting into it, but he claims he has been a much happier man since then. I know it's understandable to keep on trying, but sometimes you have to drastically alter your strategy in order to achieve your personal Nirvana.

In any case and whatever may happen; I sincerely wish you the best, do not ever compromise on something that makes you who you are. As I'd read somewhere;

"I'd rather be a first rate version of myself, than a second rate version of someone else"

Lastly thanks for the compliment. It meant alot to me!


M@rvin said...

I think it's naive to imagine race and ethnicity play no part in finding a partner abroad. My (white) ex liked primarily darker skinned guys - many don't, so what? And yes, being from a country that's always in the news does not help.

Secret Admirer said...

"If that was the case, I would turn down every Indian that came my way."
That was hurtful, though I got the context in which you meant it...It felt like at some level you do not like Indian men..

I have a HUGE respect for gay men in Pakistan...
There is a lot that unites us than divides us..

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Race and ethnicity DO!

Nationality DOESN'T!

Yeah, I do understand ur last sentence but one should understand that not all Pakistani are extremist crazy!

Infact many despise all this shit!

@ Secret Admirer

Did I?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings!

To be honest, I've had alot of crushes on Indian guys - ORDINARY Indian guys. I'm not talking about celebrities!

Ask Christian - he knows EVERYTHING!

Secret Admirer said...

@ 39 yr old
I think you might be targeting the wrong crowd...There are so many people who feel just like you, Try to find them..
And the gay world is harsh and very choosy, when it comes to relationship...One has to accept it..
Even I would suggest you to stop trying hard, infact get the concept of dating out of your mind for a while, and consider singlehood, atleast get the essence of it.
One should be able to handle himself before he expects others to want his company ..
Some people are just lucky to find a gr8 companion..
There is no point brooding over the fact of being single..it might not be best thing.. but definitely is not a bad thing...
Moreover accepting singlehood develops individuality, and maintaining a good social circle takes away partially the feeling of loneliness..
May be in some time, someone would be interested in the way you are, it might just hit off...
Even if not, you are atleast not in relationship with the guy that doesn't understand you, and which might not be lasting long.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Secret Admirer

"I think you might be targeting the wrong crowd...There are so many people who feel just like you, Try to find them.."

How could I over look this?!

Excellent piece of advice!

simple girl..... said...

that was some great piece of advice from phunk and secret admirer....

Phunk Factor said...

@ Simple Girl

Kudos to Secret Admirer fr tht!

Thanks fr dropping by!

Andrea Almanza said...

Yeah I agree, I doubt its that he is Pakistani. Its probably that he comes across as just wanting love with no other aim. It might be he is too anxious for it and it shows in his personality. To much to fast can be a flash fire, and fade quickly. A slow burn lingers eventually igniting the soul.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Andrea Almanza

I agree with the anxious part...that is a major turn off for most people!

And I loved the last sentence. Very cool! :)

Indie-underground-Gay said...

Firstly Being a Pakistani has NOTHING to do with it. I mean are you freaking kidding me!!! Us Indian gays and girls think that Pakistani guys are HOT!!!! Egad!! The Punjabi Pathani guys!!!!! *sigh*
OOh and I LOVE pathani kurtas. umm....okay anyway I agree with PF....go to the bars, its a good way to meet people.
And I know it will sound very cheesy and romantic comedy-ish, but love/crush/potential lover always come when you least expect. So my advice would be stop trying so hard.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Indie-Underground-Gay

Hahahaha...maybe i shud come to India. I'm bound to have better luck there! :p

And everybody is saying the same thing...so there MUST be something to it. Be casual!

Don't try too hard!

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