Mar 11, 2011

Issues; Confession

I have long since known that I am bisexual. However attracted I have been to guys, I haven't ever had any form of sexual contact with them. Since the past few months I have started seeing this girl and finally we are deciding to get into a relationship. I want to tell her about my bisexuality. If I hide it, I would feel extremely guilty. Should I?


I am all for being honest in relationship, but this is one exception to my principle. There are somethings you can not tell the one you love - and this is a prime example of one of them. I would advice you not to tell your girl that you are attracted to both genders. Most people, even in this time and age, are very closed minded when it comes to sexuality. Besides straight, there is really no other sexuality that would be accepted. Even those who are bisexual or homosexual, have an incredibly hard time processing the mechanism of their attraction.

I admire that you want to be honest - I really do. However even though you are attracted to guys, you haven't acted on that attraction of yours. Straight men are sometimes attracted to random women but never pursue them - and they never tell their wives/girlfriends about this attraction. Just like that if some random guy walking down the street catches your eye, you need not run to your girlfriend and tell her about it. Quoting the very awesome Holly Holiday - "It doesn't matter who you are attracted to but who do you fall in love with". Remember that!

You mentioned that keeping this secret would make you feel guilty. I really don't think it should. Like I said earlier, you haven't done anything wrong that you should be guilty about. However if you do feel that strongly about telling her, I would advice you to consider what is at stake here. You really do love her, right?

Before telling her, it's best to see how she feels about bisexuality. Try to bring it into some conversation with her to know how she feels about it. It would be better if you have someone else ask her so that she doesn't get suspicious if she's the type who starts suspecting at the drop of the hat. If her nostrils do not flare, she keeps her composure and doesn't reply with strong negative feelings, there is a chance that if you tell her it won't result into breaking up. However this is a last resort method, if hiding from her does not give you peace of mind.

Lastly, from the conversations we've had, you seem like a pretty smart, level-headed person so if you do decide to step on this path, take no detours. If you feel at some point later to be with guys, don't do so behind her back. That's just plain rude!

Best wishes!

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm confused....

You started with "I", then ended with "you".

Phunk Factor said...

@ Anonymous

This is an email from somebody who contacted me regarding his problem....i have put the above with his permission...hence the problem in italics has 'I' and the advice which is from me has 'you'

Westopher said...

I think you make some very good points, however in my experience with the ladies the one thing that they will never forgive you for is keeping secrets. Women have girl crushes too but they may not act on them in the same way. Personally I want someone to fall in love with me -- all of me, including my inner most thoughts and feelings. If those things scare them away, they are not the person I'm truly meant to be with.

This is probably one of those situations where there's no right answer because you can't predict how someone will react. Definitely agree that if he does decide to get with guys, he should NEVER hide it from his girlfriend.

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

Good advice you gave him. The one thing when it comes to ones sexuality, or life in general for that matter is not to have 'guilt' it will lead you into to things that are just not healthy or right for you.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Westopher

Yeah...secrets are literally weapons of mass destruction when it comes to relation..but with such secrets, it's wise to understand how the other person would feel about them before actually telling them! He's bisexual and clearly comfortable with both sexes....the relation isn't something he's taking under pressure...he loves her...it's best to not tell her if she's narrow-minded (No offense to u I...if u happen to read the comment on ur girl)!

@ Sebastian G. Oliver

Exactly....he's done nothing wrong to feel guilty about..however the choice to tell his girlfriend is entirely his...and i would advice against it!

B. said...

I totally agree with you, but if the relation prospers and it becomes more and more serious, then I don't see the problem about telling someone. But of course, the best way to avoid undesirable consequence is to check the opinion about bisexuality.

This also sounds like some "coming out"... and I just remembered one blogger who is bisexual. His name is AJ and he confessed his girlfriend that he's a bisexual and he ended his blog, because he's probably married to that girl now, because they got engaged, fall in love, planned their future together and you can read everything about that here: http://ajcon89.blogspot.com/

But, he stopped blogging :( I miss him

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

I agree, he has nothing to feel guilty over per se, but, that societal guilt is what messes people up in the head on sexuality. I'm just glad that I've never been on the fence, its men or its nothing!

Phunk Factor said...

@ B.

U totally agree with me...yayyyyy!! :D :D :D

I do remember reading AJ's blog...i was a follower as well...and I remember reading tht he married the exact girl he told abt him being bisexual....it can work out...but before coming out...i think it's a smart move to kno how the other person feels about it!

@ Sebastian G. Oliver

Same here, brother! Same here!

Westopher said...

I totally see where you're coming from, Phunk...here's the scenario as I see it playing out in my head: He doesn't tell her & keeps his "secret" but she finds out through somebody else he may have told. Cue complete freak out. It's always better to air your own dirty laundry (so to speak) before somebody else can put their spin on it.

I only say this because the same type of thing has blown up in my face a few times. Just put it out there. Be you. I've actually been surprised at what people can deal with when you lay it all out on the table.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Westopher

We discussed that...he said the one person who is aware of will never tell the girl cuz he doesn't know the girl!

Bt yeah....i did mention to him that it's best that she gets to hear it from him and not from a third party!

@ I

If ur reading...pick up all these awesome pointers!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

I agree! DON'T TELL HER! She will freak the hell out and wont understand! A guy told me that once and I ran for the hills! Just be faithful and true to her but I wouldn't tell her that... not now anyway.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

Awww shit, no! U ran away? Why? Actually...please do tell why did it freak u out....we need a female input here desperately for him to read!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

I'll be honest...when he told me I was already sleeping with him and unprotected. He confessed to me that he was bi sexual and had slept with over three men. (he admited he was a top) All I could think about was walking into his home unexpected and finding him in bed with another guy. It was already too much for me to handle with the thought of walking in on him with another chick...but how I'd have twice the worry now thinking about worrying about two sexes!

Also he tripped me out because he would never do anal with me...but had the nerve to say he was a top! That pissed me off to no end so I left his ass.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

Thanks fr ur input!

@ I

Hope this gave u a better idea of whether to tell her or not!

Thanks to everybody for participating...u all helped him as much as I did..if not more! :)

Anonymous said...

Duh me... "I haven't ever had any form of sexual contact with them" should have been my cue that the writer of this part wasn't you. :))

To out or not to out. That is the question.

I am bisexual but I have decided years ago that I will not be involved with a girl romantically until I settle the issue of commitment to one sex.

At the beginning, coming out to someone you're just going out with and getting to know is simply an option. I mean he does not have to know what kinds of guys she's been out with before.

However, if it gets serious and long term commitments are involved, I am all out for being fully honest with the girl. I mean if you promise "for better or worse", she might as well be forewarned what the "worse" is. I did this with my last serious M-F relationship and it opened up our relationship immensely. We broke up some time later but it was over issues related to this. I also encouraged an engaged bi friend to just tell his fiancee and he did. Same result. They're still happily married.

This secret will eat him up and getting married with secrets will make the whole thing more appealing to him. And the secrets don't have to be about bisexuality... it could be just any secret.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Anonymous

That's actually a very good solution...better than mine..and more eloquently explained! Thanks fr the input, buddy...i believe he can make a better decision now!

Btw...in the last line..don't u mean 'Getting married withOUT secrets will make the whole thing more appealing to him.'

Do clarify if u have time....thanks again!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...