Mar 25, 2011

Damages

A friend of mine just broke up with his 2 year long boyfriend a few days ago. They had been having a little trouble lately as his boyfriend was loosing interest in my friend. Before breaking up, he confessed to my friend about his fading attraction and promised that while he was attracted to other guys - he had not slept with any. Not wanting to cheat on my friend, he broke it off before the temptations could take their toll. My friend had also been feeling a tad bit awkward with all the make-overs he was being put through as his boyfriend tried to find something to ignite the fire inside himself once again for my friend.

Their story started sometimes towards the end of 2008 through Orkut. After a few meets, they decided to try for something more and it proved to be a great decision. It was a first for both of them. They are the only gay couple I've been out with in my life. My friend's boyfriend never took liking to me but that's okay. As long as he liked my friend, I really didn't care!

When I got my friend's call, I immediately guessed what had happened. To be completely honest, their love story was like my ideal story. Who has ever heard of a two year long relation? And that too in such a conservative society like Pakistan!

At that point I really didn't know what to do or say. My mind was completely muzzled but my heart had alot of things to say about his ex and none were too pleasant. I told him point blank that his ex is an idiot for leaving him but a nice idiot for not cheating on him. My friend is quite definitely not the best looking guy in town but he is not something you would slam the door on. Plus after being with someone for two years, it seems stupid to walk away on the account of fading attraction.

"You'll find someone suitable in due time!", I told him.

"Perhaps! But I will not love him the same way I loved D! I can never love the same way!"

"You will! Stop being so stupid! Why do you feel that way?", I asked.

"Because I'm damaged now!", he tells me. "If I ever love again, the part of me that loves D will still exist. It may have become lesser, but it will always be there. The new person will never really have the 'whole' of me. That's the problem with love!"


I didn't quite understand his point, so I asked for an explanation. "You never really stop loving them - you may hate them at some point. But in both cases, you care. You will never be completely oblivious of them. Next time round, you are more cautious! More careful! More mechanical! You don't let yourself love easily - and if by chance you see any signs of things going how they went the last time you run for the hills. It just doesn't happen like it happened the first time round!" And that part of the conversation has been stuck in my head ever since!

There is a little piece inside of me that tells me that I will be the biggest fool on Earth if I fall for someone as hard as I did for Nathan. No need to make him feel special! No need to make him realize that I'll be here always. No need to do any of those things I love doing for that other person. There is no point of being in love when it all can go up in flames any second now!

But then another part of me says that I'm stronger now. If I am more cautious or even mechanical - it's because I want to get it right. I know better now of what I want and I'm not afraid to go after it. If I want to love someone, I would have to listen to the latter. But I don't know! I would definitely not like to be in a relationship where I would have to restrict my feelings in fear of being hurt.


I feel sad for my friend. He is a great guy - and if it's indeed true that he will never be able to love someone the same way again then somebody out there may just have lost the most compliant boyfriend ever!

19 comments:

Aaron Khan said...

Finding sm1 and then being in a relation wid them for 2 yrs? already sounds like an achievement. n no not every relation is meant 2 last forever. d best u cn do is learn from it n move it.

Andrea Almanza said...

Here is my thoughts. He is right he wont love the same as the first time. Because new experiances have happened, heatbreak, he wont ever be the exact same. He will not love the exact same way, and it will take longer, and he will be more guarded, question more aspects. However, eventually he will love again. The new person he will be is going to have a match out there somewhere. It takes time to rebuild yourself after devistation, but you do it regardless.

Samuel Khan said...

Ok guyz !
I know m being crude or pessimisTic or even rude while I admit the fact that I have yet to cOme across a lastin gay relationsHip !
I gueSs either a nuptial contract should b devised so the one walkin out of the relation pays some sorta penalty , but that's hardly practical !
One more idea I have but I seriously doubt the practicality of this one too , still it won't hurt puttin it forward , hOw bout one has seperate options for love n lUst ? I mean it wud make the relation leSs burdenin , more fun , leSs taxing n more lastiNg ! But at the same time it wud be an excuse for polygamy toO ! :S
But 2 years in itself iz too long a time span , tell ya friend , he must have been a great guy to hold it for that lOng !

Phunk Factor said...

@ Aaron Khan

But after 2 years...errrr, i think it's a very very difficult thing to do!

@ Andrea Almanza

Et tu, Brutus?!

Quite probably he will...but i think that's in the first few months or years...if it goes on long enough...i think he just may love the new guy more than evr!! I'm hoping/vouching for that to happen!

@ Sammy Khan

It's okay...most of us haven't! :p It is indeed something short of a miracle...but to those who manage to pull it off...kudos to them! :)

Ur 2nd idea is to be involved in an open relationship..their degree of practicality varies! But if ppl go arnd sleeping, how will they ever find true intimacy?! I, for one, do not in any condition support open relationship....it just doesn't feel right to me to be involved in one...or for the heck one to even exist! :p

THUNDERCAT832 said...

Relationships in general these days don't last long. I do gives props to the guy's HONESTY! Not too many people are 'real' about their feelings or lack of feelings ;)

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

For some to be rejected is worse than just about anything, and, if LOVE is the main part of the equation, the depth of despair is even worse. My best bud is still pining over the 'love of his life after almost 4 years now, which is amazing to me. We had spent Christmas in Las Vegas, on his way back home he got a lot of party favors to stop by his man's place on his way home, got there, two cars in the drive way, light on and locks to door changed, the boyfriend and love of his life was back with a ex. I try to be a good friend and tell him its way time to move on, but, he still thinks that the creep will be back, and, I'm the Queen of England typing this, but, all we can do is support our friends, even when we know they are acting daffy.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Thundercat832

Exactly!! That's about the only reason I'm not hating his boyfriend right now...even if his attraction was fading..he didn't cheat...which says alot for him!

@ Sebastian G. Oliver

Eep! I really hope my bestfriend gets over his ex soon...and isn't moping around for a stretch!

Jackdaw said...

Just out of a relationship most people feel they will never love with the same intensity ever again. That's healthy, and it's a mourning process, mourning for a love lost.

Every love is different. I think that makes it more exciting, and also very difficult to compare the intensity. And I think that's a good thing. We live in the moment, not in the past!

And you sir, you sound like the right good friend for him to call.

Pronoy love said...

its hard re but not impossible... I didnot get the part fading attraction after 2 years, this is something i didnot understand, for me its my boi who is a sexier and he is sexy everytime i see him or touch him... And the mutual attraction is eternal and can never fade, as u grow old u will loose your beauty no matter how beautyful you are. its the bonding of heart that is what matter not looks, initially looks matter to an extent. Ya ur friend is true that he can never love anyone in same way uncondionally. For me its only one love for my entire life and its him.... Any way life is not a secinc photograph, but a painting which you paint, beauty of painting depends on brush storkes and the combination of colour..

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jackdaw

I did the best I could....listen out to him, bitch about his ex, giv him my advice...if i did that all perfectly...then i can pat myself on the back!

@ Pronoy

Frankly speaking, I didn't get the fading attraction part either! How can it happen after 2 frigg'in years?!

But I am still thankful tht at least he didn't cheat but broke it off before things got to tht point!

N dude...ur relation shud go into the Hall of Fame fr relations! :)

M@rvin said...

I find guys more attractive with time and as I get to know them better, not less. Don't understand these novelty seekers.

Breakups always hurt - my best to your pal.

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Exactly...even I found Nathan sexier as time passed! Maybe there is another reason...i don't know...but like I said...in this case..it doesn't make sense!

Mike said...

In my experience with The Guy I found myself loving him the more time went on and as we had our "breakup" I noticed that he had set the standard, and that there were things about the way I loved him that I knew couldn't be replaced and I never stopped loving.

And I agree that as time passes you can find someone so much sexier!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Mike

"And I agree that as time passes you can find someone so much sexier!"

This is something I have experienced first hand with Nathan myself!

"there were things about the way I loved him that I knew couldn't be replaced and I never stopped loving."

I guess everybody DOES have their own way of loving ppl..and perhaps v nvr stop loving them...it's may lessen but it never disappears!

F*ck! :p

Closeted said...

I don't know .. maybe I am martian but all this sound very hedonistic to me.
ok, let's dissect it this way. Two guys fall in love, the honeymoon period starts.. All is good and you are in heaven.. over the time you feel you want more.. and one proposes the other. and hence a relation starts.. things get revived all lovey dovey stuff starts.. what next..? over here (in pakistan) this is the highest extent of it. there are .0001 percent people here who think of something more after a relation. and they think of relation is Two people living independent lives having there own plans and keep in touch only to have fun or other hedonistic urges. Is this it..? when one finally realizes that he had all what he wanted (or possibly have gotten out of it) he starts to see for the next next excitement.
If a (gay) relation means fucking every night then yes its bound to fade away.
What I see is there is always a next level. which while living in pakistan for some is impossible to achieve or gays r two scared to give in. that's living together (as in a real couple), becoming a family. [of course I admit without any social name this relation won't have an force running behind which can keep those two guys gelled but this is what people has to create for thr own selves].
And if we see atleast like once a month we all bump into one or the other guy who is good, hot and and can easily fall for. But the point is to see what is important. sleeping with every next hot guy or keeping the relation. I think its perversity when you want to sleep with everyone. I think it is Ass-Hole-Ness when after two years you realize that you are done or you had enough of shags with one person. We all feel now and then a little unattracted to the person we are with, what we do (when we r in honeymoon period)? we try to find something new to do together as to bring fun so that we can stick with the person. why this effort can not be done after 2 years or 7 months for that matter..?
On the other hand we mostly are very egoistic. We think letting other people know about our emotions makes us vulnerable and even with the person we are in relation, we try to play mind games (yes it is a mind game when after break up you become all cool to not show what you really feel for the person, or not try to get the person back). So, as I see the mistake is from both sides. I believe one has do everything he can when he is sure that the other person is the one.
You can easily find hot guys but you cannot easily find someone who's saliva you don't mind on your lips when he has done kissing you or who's body odor you don't mind because it doesn't matter after some time..

Closeted said...

@M@rvin:
Kudos mate.. For the first time in my life I have seen someone who thinks the same way as me. I am not comfortable for the first few sex sessions.. over the time I start liking the person..

Phunk Factor said...

@ Closeted

Living independently but meeting only for the sake of humping indeed that does ring an alarm in my head..but if you meet outside as well and there is more than just sex talk taking place...it DOES seem like a relation while the ppl maybe living independently of one another!

Ur second para reminded me of a contact who's no longer speaking to me once mentioned...it's very easy to fall in love..but it's very hard to stay in love...and that's what counts the most..it's not about how much you care in the beginning but how much you cared till the end!

I do agree that u hav to stick with him...every relation goes through ups n downs...but some aholes don't realize tht!

LOL @ the last para...hehehe...that is coming from ur experience, eh? ;)

Thanks fr a most amazing comment, man...and best of Luck fr ur test tomorrow!

Toxic Love said...

While I do feel bad for your friend but I got to admire your his boyfriend's courage to tell him the truth and his patience to not fall into the temptations...that's all!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Toxic Love

Yeah...that part struck out to everyone and even I find it pretty brave but also very unkind!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...