Feb 26, 2011

Coming Out To Alex - Pt. 3

I don't exactly remember clearly what day of the week I came out to Alex, but I do remember that the next time I went to school it was a Monday morning. Our party was a week away as scheduled on the coming Sunday, I had gotten to know through a mutual friend that the skit was perfection and I need to check it out. I wanted to - I co-wrote it after all! Alex had not bothered to contact me during the entire time but neither had I made an effort. I was completely convinced that our friendship is over.

Came Monday morning I arrived in school. As I walked into the cafeteria, my entire group was sitting in a circle. "Phunk, where have you been? Med school hasn't even started yet and you're already studying like a doctor. Take a break, man!" I was greeted. Alex was avoiding my look, at least both the times I looked at him. The only time he looked at me was when I had walked in.

A little while after, they started to perform in front of me. I really had no criticism against it. It flowed smoothly and they both were doing a great job. Male - female pairing did seem like a better idea than a male - male pairing for the program. Alex and the girl had brilliant chemistry. Alex's dunce act was brilliant. I couldn't help but laugh.

I was miserable on most parts over the past few days, but seeing Alex in school and his pretending that he doesn't notice me had completely pissed me off. At that moment I was indifferent. Whatever, I told myself. I can't take back my words. He doesn't realize how hard it was for me to come out and even more to come to terms with myself. If he doesn't want to acknowledge my sexuality, at least he could respect our friendship and be normal with me. Screw him, I told myself.

After the skit, I took to the library to get some papers from my exam preparation. Alex came a while later, he seemed to be looking for someone and surprisingly it turned out to be me. "So tell me really, how was the skit?" he asked.

"Quite good. The chemistry is really good and I think if we had done it together, it would have been this good! I got no complaints!" I signed for the papers and exited the library with Alex on my side.

"So we're not friends anymore?" he asks.

I literally stopped dead in my tracks. "Why do you want to be friends?" I asked suspiciously.

"Are you really asking me that?"

"I'm just curious! You certainly didn't want to be friends over the last week!" I told him.

"Give me a break, man! Nobody has ever told me such a thing! My reaction was impulsive!" I didn't respond to that remark. "I don't think being gay is right because homosexuality is prohibited in Islam, and I'm just scared for you. I won't apologize for my reaction, but I do still want to be friends! However if you don't feel the same, I won't bother you."

"I never expected you to understand." I told Alex. "However I do expect a little understanding. I'm not vying for you're sympathy. I'd love to be friends, but only if you don't start associating me with every type of perversity out there!"

I guess he couldn't respond with a 'Yes' but he did want to be friends with me. I missed him over the weekend although I would never admit it. We walked over to my car, "I will be leaving in a while myself. If you're not in a hurry to get back to your books, I could drop you!" he offered.

Wow!, he really does want to be friends!

Things slowly got better. I never really told Alex about the part that I had a crush on him. He did ask me once if I ever liked anybody from school. I told him I was just minutely attracted to a few guys and to one guy alot in particular. He didn't say anything at that moment, however once when we were at his place he asked me about that one guy. Just to tease him, I lied that it was this one guy who Alex disliked with a passion.

After noticing the look of shock on Alex's face, I confessed that I was lying and I don't like anyone in particular. I am not telling Alex under any condition that to date he's one of my craziest crushes. Something are better left untold!

And that's the entire story of how Alex became the second person who I told about my darkest secret.  


A Daft Scots Lass said...

Great post!

Phunk Factor said...

@ A Daft Scots Lass

Thanks :D

BosGuy said...

Coming out can be a very stressful process. I think all gay men can empathize with your situation even if not all of us grew up in a similar situation.

Phunk Factor said...

@ BosGuy

I agree. Only a gay person would know what a crazy hard process of coming out is!

THUNDERCAT832 said...

OMG I can seriously feel the anxiety that you felt over the situation of coming out to someone close! I know it had gotten to be so hard to do! I give you hella props for finding the bravery to do it!!! *hugs*

Aaron Khan said...

wise decision not telling him u were into him. glad u guys cud remain frnds.

Haider Ali said...

Yes glad you guys are friends :D

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

*hugs* :)

Thanks fr the support!!

@ Aaron Khan

Obviously...i was young but never stupid! ;)

@ Haider

Same here, bro! Same here!

M@rvin said...

This was a few years ago, right? Are you still friends? If yes, do you guys ever discuss gay stuff? I'm curious what the dynamic is like now.

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Yeah...we're still in touch...and we meet like about 3 to 4 times a year....and it's good...he asks how things are going with me!

Hadi Hussain said...

Thanks for sharing Phunk!Coming out to anyone and especially to the ones we love and who are important to us has always been very daring and crucial. What I have experienced and seen around me, I guess most of the times, people close to you do understand you after they came out of the immediate shock period.Because its difficult for them as well to comprehend and process the news. All said, I am proud of myself and i wish every queer to be so.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Hadi Hussain

Exactly....quite contrary to what most ppl think...coming out doesn't yield horrible results...however you can't stereotype ppl's reactions...it can vary drastically!

Bitchzilla On the Loose said...

I dropped by your blog, a few days ago, and the first post i read was Coming out to Alex Part 2, aND it interested me enough to read all the three parts, plus some other posts to know Alex and Rida and their story, At the end of it, i was like all touchy and wanted to hug you there and then. I know you dont need any advice and all stuff but ima gonna say it anyway, it's Okay to be Normal. Being gay what i think is Normal. I like boys. You like boys. BIG DEAL!?!?! It was nice knowing a little part of you Phunk :) And i hope to know you more.. coz you seem fun :P (yeah, i read some other hot posts too)

Phunk Factor said...

@ Bitchzilla On the Loose

Aww...thanks fr saying I'm fun! That's a huuuuge compliment...and yea, do keep coming back...i like u too! :)

closeted said...

hahahaha.. i can understand.. only recently when i was going through hard times in my relation. i kind of confided to one of my office colleagues who is also a very good friend. his reaction was pretty much the same.. :-D

Phunk Factor said...

@ Closeted

I guess more or less it's same with everyone...once the initial shock wears off...ppl close to us understand where we are coming from and accept us!

Closeted said...

at the same time they never stop lecturing to quit it and move to Shaadi.. as if its a hobby to shag with a dude..

Phunk Factor said...

@ Closeted

Lucky me....Alex has never really pushed the idea of getting it on with a girl ever since I gave him that look! :D

Anonymous said...

What I don't understand is that what good did it bring to you by coming out to Alex. I haven't read the rest of your blogs but I'm guessing things were going pretty smooth for you anyway.
I myself am a closeted gay but I can't find any good reason to come out; because even if I come out, I still won't be able to ever discuss my boyfriend issues with anyone.

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