Feb 24, 2011

Coming Out To Alex - Pt. 2

Just as soon as those words left my mouth I started dreading them. I really did want Alex to know but not like this. Never did I plan on coming out to him in the middle of our school ground. Alex seemed to go completely blank for a second. I started apologizing immediately.

"Stop!" Alex mumbled. "How can you be gay?"

"I really don't know. Even I wonder at times about it, but I really have no idea as to why am I gay!", I told him in an extremely apologetic tone.

"Are you sure?", he asked.

"Quite definitely!"

There was complete silence for a while. It's like somebody had sucked the air out of the atmosphere and all that was left was this feeling of emptiness. Alex just stood there, he was casting a huge shadow. He was about 6 ft. tall, that was one of the thing I liked about him. His height!

I kept looking at the ground. I could not look at Alex. After a very long time, I was feeling ashamed for my sexuality. It wasn't that I had gotten used to it. It was that I had started learning to live with it. However right now, all the effort that I put into being patient and understanding towards myself was replaced with anguish and shame. I was pretty sure that this would change things forever between us. Maybe coming out to Alex was a wrong move on my part after all, I thought.

"You can't be gay! Gays are so feminine! You have seen those guys dressed up as girls on the streets, right? Chakas! Hijra! They're gay! You're not gay!" Alex rambled on.

"God! You're embarrassing me! A guy can be very much gay but still be a man! Not every gay wants to dress up like a woman, you know!", I tried explaining.

"Then how can you explain your attraction?"

"I can't!"

"Then you're not gay! You're.....confused!" Alex explained.

"Dude, I'm not confused! Seriously you need to stop insulting me. Somethings I just know!" I explained. "This is one of them! I just know! I can't explain how, but I just know!"

"Have you ever done it with a guy?", he asked.

"Not yet!", I told him.

"What!? You actually plan on doing it with a guy?", he yelled in shock.

"I didn't say that. I said I haven't done anything yet!", I repeated my words slowly and carefully. "There is a difference between the two!"

"Fuck! Get a girl, Phunk!" Alex pleaded. I don't exactly remember how long we fought, but I do remember that it kept getting worse with every passing second. Somewhere along the lines Alex warned how I am paving my own road to Hell.

"We are not discussing this!", I shot back. He clearly did not understand any of my difficulties. "I'm going home! If she clears the script, do it with a girl! I'm pretty that God won't scorn over it!" Originally Alex and I were planning on hosting the ceremony through the 'Why We Fail?' segment. Alex did not follow me to the cafeteria where we had kept our bags. I exited our school short after and headed straight for home.

As soon as I got home, I went to my room. Mom felt that something had gone terribly wrong, but I lied to her about something upsetting regarding the event we were organizing and that I was too tired to eat. I lay on my bed and don't quite remember when I went to sleep. I got up around 9PM feeling a little better. I knew in the back of my head what had happened earlier in the day but somewhere a part of me felt that it was some distant nightmare. I must have slept for about six to seven hours. I took a bath and had dinner. I decided to finally get some studying done as I was scheduled to appear in my A Levels in two months. Eeek!

After about two hours of solid studying; Yeah, even I was surprised I managed to get that much done given the earlier happenings of the day. Looking back I realized Kelly Clarkson's Breakaway pulled me through. I had just gotten started on my Kelly Clarkson trip after getting addicted to American Idol the previous year when Carrie Underwood won.

There was a text message from Alex on my cell phone. "Kaisay ho? (How are you?) "

"I'm fine! You?", I responded.

"I'm good! The script's cleared! Are you sure you do not want to do it?", he asked.

I wondered for a moment. I really wanted to do it. There were so many brilliant teachers I had which I wanted to personally pay a tribute, but teaming with Alex would be very awkward. "No! Thanks for asking though!"

There was a long wait before the next text message came. "I'll make sure to mention that it was your idea. See you tomorrow!"

"Tomorrow? Why?" I asked him quite surprised.

After another long wait. "Nothing. I just thought you would be coming!"

"I'm not! I need to study!"

There was no exchange of messages after that. I got back to my books. A part of me was saying that Alex still would like to be friends, however I did not want to get my hopes up. My own sexuality was something I had not fully come to peace with, how can I expect someone else to understand?.

The last part would be up on Saturday for sure. Once again, i felt it all was too much for you guys to handle.

Also I don't quite know why but I'm on a really huge Kelly Clarkson trip since the past two days. The two songs below are currently sitting on top my iTunes plays.

I love me some Kelly!


Whimsical Hatter said...

No! NO! NO! remember I pleaded or rather requested, that this narration not be broken into more parts.... ( no, don't give that 'get-a-life-dude' look!)... did 'we' say, we couldn't handle long posts?!
P.S: I loved the analogy between Alex's shadow and his state of perplexity and how you employ it to mirror your feelings at that circumstance as well! very nice!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Whimsical Hatter;

Dude...i tried!! But literally...too long....and it's already typed...and btw...it's really short...or at least much shorter than the other two...and coming out posts are HARD!! The future coming out posts will be in parts as well...and really i don't giv u that look....the only look i giv u is 'What's-a-babe-like-u-doing-in-a-place-like-this' ;)

Aaron Khan said...

wow. dat was not wat i expected. however i guess dat is how many coming out stories end.

Haider Ali said...

a lot of people don't understand homosexuality especially in our society!

Jai Verma said...

As mentioned most of them think gay means queeny, trans, cross-dress etc etc.

@Haider you said right - a lot of people dont get the meaning of it.

Andrea Almanza said...

:) thanks for the new installment. I'll be patient for the next. So brave for you to share all this. Muah!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Aaron Khan

Yes! Most do...however not all! There are always exception...and those are pure miracle! :)

@ Haider Ali

True to that, brother!!

@ Jai Verma

That's the only 'sect' of our side that is publicly displayed...and hence that's all that is people come to know!

Also the media tends to openly exploit them and portray overtly feminine gays as mere comedic elements! They're rarely taken in depth and seriously!

@ Andrea Almanza

Very soon, my friend! Very soon! Thanks fr the wieshes! :)

Infact thanks to u all! :)

THUNDERCAT832 said...

Dammit blog brother! I was grinding my fucking teeth the whole time! I had a cousin who came out to a friend in front of me the same way and was bombarded with the same questions. I wish more people would immediately understand like I do! *hugs*

M@rvin said...

Arey dhoot saala, one more part. :P

Good post. Hugs for being so brave. Your school and school friends sound really cool.

M@rvin said...

Oh, and your music selection is soo gay. :P Kelly Clarkson, yikes!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

Ur amazing...did I ever tell you that? ;)

@ M@rvin

Duuuuuude...I so agree! I miss my Alevel gang so much,...it's not even funny!! They were always charged for a party....in med school we gotta build up the hype to hav ppl show up....in Alevels...ppl were the hype themselves!!

And I admit that my music selection is very gay...however Kelly is so not gay!!

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