One of my aunts from States is over these days. Every time I tune into her conversations with my mom, they are talking about somebody's marriage or getting somebody married. Both of them are searching for suitable partners for their children, my mom for my sister and my aunt for her son. Inter-family is not our thing so no chance of my cousin getting paired with my sister. Also my sister wouldn't give two hoots to a guy if he isn’t a practicing doctor, go figure!
I hate marriage talks, especially talks about my marriage. HATE ‘EM! I'll give some examples perhaps in later posts. I do believe I've gotten quite artful at dodging them. But then I also believe that my neighbor would reciprocate my crush one day. I'm so not reliable!
I was over at Ryan's place yesterday. Ryan has recently gotten obsessed with Bruno Mars. He was playing his latest album Doo-Wops & Hooligans over and over again on his PC while we were talking. The song ‘Marry Me’ is a personal favorite of mine as well. Listening to that song, it bought up my frustration with marriage talks and I vented it all out to Ryan. “I thought you loved marriages?!”, he told me.
“I do!”, I replied. “But I don’t like to talk about mine!”
“C’mon, don’t be so dumb!” I told him. The clueless expression on his face told me that he didn’t, or perhaps he was just playing with me. “Why talk about something that will never happen?”
“And it will never happen because?”, he asked.
“I’m gay! I can’t marry a guy and I won’t marry a girl!” I told him getting irritated.
“But what if you find the right guy?”, he asked me.
“We’ve already established that there is no right guy for me! And even then no point of having a marriage if it doesn’t involve the blessings of the parents!”
“But you talked about marriage with Nathan?”, he asked me.
“I used to tease him with those, Ryan! I never intended to have a marriage. He never intended to have one. If things had proceeded into something stable and long-lasting, the closest thing we’d have to a marriage is living under the same roof, and if it went really well maybe a mutual exchange of rings but that was as far as we would have gone!” I told him getting irritated.
Ryan could see that the talk had upset me a lot. “That conversation got really loud. I hope no one’s home!”, he got up and went out to look around. “My grandmother is here but she’s downstairs. Keep your voice low when you mention the G word around my house. You know how homophobic my brothers are!”
“Sorry!”, I apologized. I was in the worst of moods. I so badly want a marriage but there is no chance in this world that I can have one and live with it. I absolutely refuse to ruin a girl’s life; she deserves someone who would be attracted to her and not her brother. Since the final decision would be mine, nobody can force me into a marriage. I have firmly decided not to marry. Gracie was an exception to the rule, I do feel an attraction for her. However Gracie is interested in someone else, so really no point in barking up that tree. I was contemplating on this thought and suddenly Ryan pulled me by my hand.
“Will you marry me?” he asked.
“What?” I exasperated.
“Sssh! Not so loud!” he whispered. “Just pretend for a second. Just for a second pretend that I am asking you to marry me.”
“ Marry me?” he whispered in to my ears. I remember how Nathan would often say ‘I got goose bumps all over my body’ but I couldn’t relate to it because I never knew exactly how goose bumps felt. But at that moment, it was like my entire body was one giant goose bump.
I still took sometime for me to respond because it all was really freaky but I decided to go along with the flow. “Oh Ryan! I have waited so long for you to ask me, I really don’t know what to say!”
“But what about George?” I pretended.
“He doesn’t deserve you! I can treat you so much better than he ever will!”
“Movies, dinner and dancing every night?”
“Every night till your eyes run streams, you weigh 180 kilos and your feet start killing you!”
“Asshole!” I mouthed pushing away Ryan. We both ended up laughing over the entire scenario. I never knew Ryan was so good at impromptu.
In all seriousness, I would love love LOVE if a guy ever got down on a knee in front of me and asked me to marry him, or just plain get involved into something serious. I’m sick of running after men that do not want a relation in the first place but only consider it once I suggest them so. The worst part is that it has made me fearful about getting involved with anyone. I told Ryan about this fear of mine, his reply gave me hope. Perhaps one day there would be a guy who would get down on his knee for me, I just hope I am ready at that time to accept it and my parents are not objecting to it either.