During my 9th Grade, we used to have these Self-Improvement classes. It was a class meant to raise our awareness of our forth-coming responsibility as adults. There was a wide variety of subjects covered in those classes. All were focused on honing our minds, perfecting our bodies and polishing our spirits.
One particular class that I remember even today is the one in which we were explained about our increasing attraction to the opposite sex. Our teacher said this one sentence that will never slip off my memory. "Sexuality plays a very important part in the structuring of our personality!"
Today I'd like to correct that sentence. In my opinion it should be, "Homosexuality plays a very important part in the structuring of our personality!" If you're straight, you never really think about your sexuality. You never really consider why are you like this or what in the world causes this attraction inside of you. There is a very good chance that you have the exact same feelings as that of the boy sitting next to you or of the boy you happen to call you're best friend. You just have it and nothing in the world can take this attraction away from you.
You are not like the boy who sits a few rows ahead who keeps to himself through most of the classes. The boy who does not speak unless he's spoken to. The boy who dreads those self-improvement classes because he can't identify with any of the knowledge the teacher is explaining about attraction and how to deal with them. But rather when the teacher goes on to explain about how guys an erection happens does it give him that all familiar feeling of a party in his pants. He has alot of questions for the the teacher but feels embarrassed to ask any of them in fear of ridicule and rejection. Everytime the class starts he hopes that today the teacher might say something about how he feels and give him some answers that he's searching for. But that day never comes. All of his question remained unanswered and the school year ends.
I was that boy. I hated those self-improvements classes because I could not make any sense of most of the things our teacher would talk about. I understood it all very well but I failed to understand why I couldn't identify with any of it. I did not understand what was so amazing about Pamela Anderson running around in a red one piece swimsuit. I just didn't! And the fact that I didn't find it amazing, annoyed me beyond anything I could imagine back then. I was 14. I was clueless, angry, miserable and ignorant all at the same time.
We had those classes all through our 9th Grade. So when I started my 10th Grade, I was excited to realize that I would no longer be dreading Friday afternoons. However the thoughts that had surfaced in my mind since I started those classes were not to disappear. I was still attracted to the captain of our school's basketball team and our football coach. Nobody could give me any explanations about these weird fantasies I had involving them. Nobody!
I was gay. I am gay. But I didn't know about it. I didn't even know about the word 'Gay'. I was sheltered so much from this so-called abomination that I failed to identify it in myself. I knew it existed but I couldn't do a thing about it. I hated the thought of being attracted to a guy and I kept on hoping that it would be some sick twisted phase that I'm going through. I would grow out of it. I would 'become' straight 'again'. I wish somebody back then would have explained it to me. Somebody would have had this talk with me and cleared up my queries. It would have saved me so much pain and misery that many can't even begin to imagine. I was forced to look inside me and wonder what had happened to me that made me like this.
I got a message from a 15 year old a few days ago who wanted to talk about some recent developments in his life and I couldn't help but remember all those days when I was in self-doubt. Later on when I spoke to him today, it brought back all those horrible nights when I would fall asleep thinking about my sexuality. It breaks my heart to hear about someone having trouble regarding their sexuality. I absolutely hate the extent of self-doubt one can get immersed into because of this one thing. It is made even worse by fact that they have no one to talk to. No one who can listen to their troubles.
When I spoke to the kid I mentioned earlier, to sense that frustration in him was heart-breaking. I'm glad that I was able to give him some peace of mind by the end of the conversation. If you, no matter how old you happen to be, are facing any form of trouble regarding your sexuality; the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is keep it to yourself. You need someone to talk to, someone whom you can have a proper dialogue with openly without fear of rejection. If you have someone like that, thumbs up to you. If not and you feel the need to have one, feel free to hit me up. You can drop in a comment or you can email me. Or message me on Facebook! Anonymity is guaranteed and completely respected, I assure you! You have my word!
But whatever you do, please DO NOT let it drive you to madness!