Dec 25, 2010

On Sexuality

During my 9th Grade, we used to have these Self-Improvement classes. It was a class meant to raise our awareness of our forth-coming responsibility as adults. There was a wide variety of subjects covered in those classes. All were focused on honing our minds, perfecting our bodies and polishing our spirits.

One particular class that I remember even today is the one in which we were explained about our increasing attraction to the opposite sex. Our teacher said this one sentence that will never slip off my memory. "Sexuality plays a very important part in the structuring of our personality!"


Today I'd like to correct that sentence. In my opinion it should be, "Homosexuality plays a very important part in the structuring of our personality!" If you're straight, you never really think about your sexuality. You never really consider why are you like this or what in the world causes this attraction inside of you. There is a very good chance that you have the exact same feelings as that of the boy sitting next to you or of the boy you happen to call you're best friend. You just have it and nothing in the world can take this attraction away from you.

You are not like the boy who sits a few rows ahead who keeps to himself through most of the classes. The boy who does not speak unless he's spoken to. The boy who dreads those self-improvement classes because he can't identify with any of the knowledge the teacher is explaining about attraction and how to deal with them. But rather when the teacher goes on to explain about how guys an erection happens does it give him that all familiar feeling of a party in his pants. He has alot of questions for the the teacher but feels embarrassed to ask any of them in fear of ridicule and rejection. Everytime the class starts he hopes that today the teacher might say something about how he feels and give him some answers that he's searching for. But that day never comes. All of his question remained unanswered and the school year ends.

I was that boy. I hated those self-improvements classes because I could not make any sense of most of the things our teacher would talk about. I understood it all very well but I failed to understand why I couldn't identify with any of it. I did not understand what was so amazing about Pamela Anderson running around in a red one piece swimsuit. I just didn't! And the fact that I didn't find it amazing, annoyed me beyond anything I could imagine back then. I was 14. I was clueless, angry, miserable and ignorant all at the same time.

We had those classes all through our 9th Grade. So when I started my 10th Grade, I was excited to realize that I would no longer be dreading Friday afternoons. However the thoughts that had surfaced in my mind since I started those classes were not to disappear. I was still attracted to the captain of our school's basketball team and our football coach. Nobody could give me any explanations about these weird fantasies I had involving them. Nobody!

I was gay. I am gay. But I didn't know about it. I didn't even know about the word 'Gay'. I was sheltered so much from this so-called abomination that I failed to identify it in myself. I knew it existed but I couldn't do a thing about it. I hated the thought of being attracted to a guy and I kept on hoping that it would be some sick twisted phase that I'm going through. I would grow out of it. I would 'become' straight 'again'. I wish somebody back then would have explained it to me. Somebody would have had this talk with me and cleared up my queries. It would have saved me so much pain and misery that many can't even begin to imagine. I was forced to look inside me and wonder what had happened to me that made me like this.

I got a message from a 15 year old a few days ago who wanted to talk about some recent developments in his life and I couldn't help but remember all those days when I was in self-doubt. Later on when I spoke to him today, it brought back all those horrible nights when I would fall asleep thinking about my sexuality. It breaks my heart to hear about someone having trouble regarding their sexuality. I absolutely hate the extent of self-doubt one can get immersed into because of this one thing. It is made even worse by fact that they have no one to talk to. No one who can listen to their troubles.

When I spoke to the kid I mentioned earlier, to sense that frustration in him was heart-breaking. I'm glad that I was able to give him some peace of mind by the end of the conversation. If you, no matter how old you happen to be, are facing any form of trouble regarding your sexuality; the worst thing you can possibly do to yourself is keep it to yourself. You need someone to talk to, someone whom you can have a proper dialogue with openly without fear of rejection. If you have someone like that, thumbs up to you. If not and you feel the need to have one, feel free to hit me up. You can drop in a comment or you can email me. Or message me on Facebook! Anonymity is guaranteed and completely respected, I assure you! You have my word!

But whatever you do, please DO NOT let it drive you to madness!

20 comments:

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT832 said...

I remember that as a kid, my grandmother used to always tell me, "God makes no mistakes"....I follow that to the letter when it comes to someone's sexuality! EVERYONE is how they are and who they are for a reason. Forget everything else, God made US ALL beautiful for a reason. Gay, Straight, Bisexual, getting busy with animals...well...maybe not that one...that shit is gross!

but you get what I'm saying!

xoxo

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

LOL @ last line of 1st para! :p

Yeah...that's a concept even I try to follow but it is very hard to accept one's own sexuality wen it's something so different from the rest!

Questions existing are such a killer!!

raulito said...

As for myself, I refuse to accept that the Creator didn't also have a purpose for everyone...I mean everyone.

happy holidays and hope you have a great 2011

saludos,
raulito

Takashi said...

i never really have any problem identifying myself.. i knew it all along, and it was inside me all along, but i feared rejection among my friends until many, many years later..

but that's another story "_+

Phunk Factor said...

@ Raulito

Thanks fr the wishes, man!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to u as well! :)

@ Takashi

Rejection....that's a pet fear amongst our circles!!

wayner said...

As a retired gay guy I can certainly relate to your post. Try growing up gay in decades past before the 80's. Gay guys my age will have that bitterness that we will take to our graves, and I would not wish any young person today to have to agonise over their sexuality. I have always loved being homosexual in spite of straight society's prejudice, and thanks to the Internet and more enlightened times I have hope for the future. bfn - Wayne :)

Phunk Factor said...

@ Wayner

Before 80s? That's beyond my comprehension but I would say that no doubt it would have been frigg'in hard.....while there has been progress in understanding and protecting the LGBT crowd, we still hav a long way to go!!!

Samuel Khan said...

One of ya best for sure . . . lo0ked like u poured ya heart outta ya thorax for this one . . . touched me n i did have those go0sebumps all over . . .

indie-underground-gay said...

Is it weird if i say that NEVER in my childhood i thought twice of my same sex attraction?
Thank god my school never had one of these classes! lol but in my biology classes i used to keep asking questions realted to gays, bis, transgenders.....

Phunk Factor said...

@ Samuel

Thanks, man!! It was just so freak'in hurtful to listen to that 15 yr old kid....i couldn't help but remember the days of my misery!!

@ Indie-Underground-Gay

I know those classes were meant for my betterment, but they should be more open about the topics they discuss....i'm pretty damn sure I can not be the only one having questions that needed answering!!

M@rvin said...

I hear ya... My 10th grade Bio text only spoke of a 'penis being inserted into a vagina' (to quote verbatim). One of my classmates asked our reasonably open teacher about oral sex, but that was about as far as it went. I was like, where's the anal stuff LOL?

I'm so glad the internet exists today, and you are helping others dealing with similar issues.

Derric said...

Self-Improvement classes, OMG, thank goodness, I did not have to sit through any of those classes.
Yes i do agree a child needs someone to talk to especailly when those hormones are up. Unfortunately our society has not grown up to child helplines and stuff, so its up to each and everyone of us to be more considerate to our young ones, listen to what they have to say.
Actually i was feeling jealous seeing a friend of mine how he has bonded with his cousin of 13 yrs

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

I remember reading the reproduction chapter and feeling so freak'in guilty! LOL! I can't remember exactly why was I feel that way! :p

Yeah...to quote a friend of mine; I'm Oprah! ;)

@ Derric

Bonding is SOOOO cool...i do admit it was kinda weird to have a complete stranger call me 'Phunk Bhai' but it felt sorta nice!

Jai Verma said...

Good work Phunk! Keep it up. At some point during the course of reading I saw myself in between the lines.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jai Verma

We've all been there, man!! We've ALL been there!!

Straight ppl takes their sexuality for granted...srsly, they do!!!

Whimsical said...

Hey there!

I tell you it is darn real'boon' to know that there other people like oneself! I met a gay person, when I was 22yrs, until then, I was like-'is it only me','is something wrong, I don't seem comfortable talking about girlie parts'! It was agonizing and when I met this other gay guy(we did not become best buds or anything of that sorts), it was different.I felt free around him, I was no longer that introvert kid!
And then, there is this sudden boom of gay bloggers, which is something that keeps me going,it's like I get to share the joys and sorrows and whatnot with ppl,like me-hats off to you guys for that!

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

Really good one, I think you have summed up what gay men and women have been going thorough since the beginning of time, well said.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Whimsical

Yeah...the boom in gay bloggers is a HUGE plus to the new-comer of our community...they can help ALOT by letting these young guns know that they too hav gone thru the same feelings and thoughts....and it's all upon u how u see it!!

Also we'd be no where without you guys who follow us and keep pushing us to write! :)

@ Sebastian G. Oliver

Thanks, man! :)

A Daft Scots Lass said...

I disagree.

I think we all consider our sexuality at some point in our lives whatever your sexual preference.

Everyone fears rejection and ridicule for having certain sexual preferences (gay or straight). We all felt the same at 14 - confused, clueless, angry, miserable and ignorant.

We all have something that "rocks our boat" that society doesn't deem "normal".

Phunk Factor said...

@ A Daft Scots Lass

I'm confused! Why would anybody be ashamed of being straight?

Being straight is what ppl deem normal and are fine with. Fetishes, sexual habits, sexual partners is what comes later....much later...sexuality is at birth and we strt to think about about it between the period of 11 to 15 yrs for sure!

However yea..i do agree that almost every 14 yr old is confused, clueless, angry, miserable and ignorant!

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