Dec 16, 2010

The Faithless

We are born. We live. We die. That's what every life that has ever arrived into this world goes through. Except for a few unfortunate ones, the journey is reasonably long. There are moments when things are looking up and we feel like we are on the top of the world. But there are also those moments when we feel we've hit the rock bottom of all rock bottoms. Through the good times and the bad, the one thing that we either thank for or look for is faith. Love connects two souls. Faith connects the soul to it's Creator.

Last week I felt the most faithless I have ever possibly felt in my entire life. I felt like an abandoned child in a park full of children with their parents. I was the only one who didn't have anyone to look up to. The only one who was not holding anyone's hand. It wasn't some issue with my parents. My parents are extremely supportive and loving individuals who have left no stone unturned in my upbringing and nurturing. Whatever flaws that reside in me are entirely due to my own negligence and stupidity.

It had nothing to do with Nathan either. Nor was it related to my studies. Well at least it wasn't directly linked to my studies. It started off abruptly but the end was slow and cruel. Possibly I haven't entirely gotten past it yet. It's still tailing me in the back of my mind. It all started when I was revising Forensic Medicine. Let me start of by making it clear that I am a huge fan of Forensic Medicine and Toxicology. I think it's one of the most exciting subjects I have gotten the opportunity to study besides Psychology and Microbiology. I think it's absolutely amazing how you can draw inference from something completely mutilated and silent, and restore justice to it. I'm seriously considering it as a career but mother dear doesn't believe that Forensic Specialists are doctors. I'm not entirely sure, but it is on my list for consideration.

This semester we had to study Sexual Offenses. Quite possibly this was the worst thing anybody can ever make me study. It wasn't that it was long or extremely hard, but it was filled with so many facts that made me feel less than human and out of ordinary. Let me give you abit background info so as to clear any confusion. Sex can be 'Natural' or 'Unnatural'. 'Natural' sex refers to coitus between a male of 18 years or more and a female of 16 years or more, united by a marriage under legal, moral and religious obligations. Anything else is unnatural!

After that there was this huge passage describing the essential conditions for a marriage to be legal and acceptable in the eyes of Allah. The list started off with the point 'Same Sex'. WHAM! It felt like I was hit by a ton of bricks.

Don't get me wrong. It wasn't like I was unaware of it. I am aware that Same Sex Marriages and Homosexuality are prohibited in Islam. But if that's so, then why make some people feel attracted to the same gender? Why do they feel emotionally connected to people of the same sex and not of the opposite? Why do they not feel any attraction towards those of the opposite sex? Why? I knew I was supposed to be studying but my mind was filled with a whole questionnaire for God.

I kept on reading but nothing was registering. Is that why most gays opt to live a "straight" life or is it the social obligation that pushes them to do it?

I remember watching Glee's Grilled Cheeses and there was this part where Kurt says that he doesn't believe in God. Later Kurt explains why does he holds that opinion. I played that scene several times over and over again because I too have asked the same thing several times, especially when I first realized I'm gay. Why make us gays and have people hate us?!

Later in the same episode there is a scene involving Sue and Jean, her sister who suffers from Down Syndrome. Sue asks Jean if she believes in God?. In response, Jean asks her the same to which Sue responds in denial. Jean tells Sue that God doesn't make mistakes.

If I'm not a mistake, then why am I treated like one? Why are there things that make me feel like I am something wrong?

Almost everybody believes in God in their own way. But how do you believe in it when everything else He has made ridicules you or hates you?!

I am not by any means an Atheist. I do believe in God. I do pray five times a day as we are told in our religion, something I learned from Nathan. I try to be as good of a Muslim as I can be. But when such a little thing leaves me faithless, where do I stand?


M@rvin said...

Phunks, at one time, left handed people were harassed and punished. At other times, black people were enslaved and treated like sub-humans. All this had religious sanction at the time, with people quoting the Bible and other scriptures in favor of such treatment. Our time for full justice will come too one day.

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Not in this life, man!

Not in this life...especially with all the ridiculous notions about homosexuality tht are floating around!

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

I really enjoyed your take on this issue, I have found that "faith" is a private thing and when man gets involved, it gets way too twisted for me.

And, oh yeah, way to go on your exams!

Samuel Khan said...

hmmmmz . . . missed u man ! nice , well versed n well etched post (yeah yeah i sound flatterin , but trust me i can write a blog on the qualities of ya blog ;-P) . . . complicated issue , u picked up this time . . .

M@rvin said...

Now, now, let's be positive. We've made a lot of progress just since you and I were born, and things in general have only been getting better. :)

Phunk Factor said...

@ Sebastian G. Oliver


@ Samuel Khan

LOL! Thanks, man! Yeah..that's why it took so long to shape this post...i didn't want to offend ne1 but at the same time get my point across!

@ M@rvin

We've definitely made alot of progress since u were born....hasn't been that long since I came along! :p

Kidd'in! kind of forward push is a good thing!

H said...

Phunk, this is something I find myself thinking about way too often and every single time, I wind down to the same conclusion.
God made me, and this is how he wanted me. He loves me for who I am.
People who don't get that are gnarks. They're the ones with a handicap.

Maybe I can't be as open as I'd like to be, but that doesn't mean it's unnatural.

In our subcontinent, nine times out of ten, norms are utter bullshit.

Phunk Factor said...

@ H

That's something which keeps most people going...but then again, for how long?

Norms are captivating and restricting in my opinion!

haider ali said...

phunk i've been feeling the same past few months. its terrible! :'(

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say.I tried being an atheist for a while but that just wasn't me.I m a spiritual person but that does not mean that I have to take whatever each scripture says word to word.So I think I m over it.
But your post does bring back unpleasant memories of those nights when my tears never stopped.
As far as the sexual offenses thingy in your textbook goes ( I mean no offense here) but I is my belief that education should reflect science and nothing else.Calling not only homosexual but even premarital sex unnatural is passive form of moral policing which should have no place in textbooks.
That is why I believe the countries in the developing world still have a lot to learn about education (the first lesson should be the separation of religion and state)

Whimsical said...

Hallo Phunk,

Glad to see you back in the blogosphere and that your exams went on fine!

This post left me teary-eyed and I'm not echos my thought so perfectly!

I have felt the same- an abandoned child many times...and the example from glee..oh,so perfect!!!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Haider Ali

Crap! That's horrible, man! I had my first dose a few days back and to imagine someone going through this since the past few months is plain horrible!

Hope things get better for you, buddy!

@ Raj

I loved what you said about education should be separated from religion, except if ur studying about religion itself!

I guess it's because the education system has taken over this responsibility from the parents, we'll get student getting involved in such situations!

@ Whimsical

Hey-low! :)

Thanks...after hearing the thoughts from you guys i think lotsa ppl feel this way!

Thanks fr the wish! :)

Anonymous said...

phunky, i feel your pain.
Give this article a read, and tell us what you think.

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