Nov 13, 2010

Not Like The Movies

In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.

Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.

My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.

"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.

Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.

Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.

He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.

Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.

I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.

Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;

I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!


Sid said...

I donno what to say!

You cant just make him comfortable by giving a nice lecture! If you really want him to get away with his insecurities...I want to ask a question to you.. Are you sure he is the one for you? If yes and if you are really planning to settle down with him.. Give it a shot and all possible little ways show him how important he is, to you.

Like asking for opinions.. when you need one..Going for date and giving him high class priority etc.. buying gifts which he ll like most etc :-)

I have been reading all ur updates lately... Good to see that your life is moving :-)

Jack said...

Nathan can be abit silly at times but it seems that you handled the situation really well!

Sitting down and having an honest conversation with complete exposure is probably the one thing that can save a relationship?

By the way, did Nathan know that you have kissed Ryan?


Insecurities are a bitch! It took me years to control mine! I think its so kick ass that these guys have insecurities in regards to YOU! That means you are that kick ass. I would pass the hell out if someone was worried about me leaving them for someone else...that would flatter me to no end...but some people just don't like that shit. tee he he

There aint nothing wrong with having net friends. Sometimes its cool to retreat from the "real world" and vent to your net family. Sometimes the people in your personal life won't understand (or don't want to understand) what goes on in our minds.

And WOO HOO to my blog will always get love from me.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Sid

I know the talk wasn't a permanent solution!! I told myself that for the time-being I can put him at was later when he came to Pakistan and we actually went out tht he got confident about us...thanks fr reading!!! :)

Hope ur doing good as well!!

@ Jack

Everyone has these insecurities...wasn't I insecure with him? :'(

It's all a matter of being in love...insecurities just happen!!!

Obviously I told him about tht...i did hav a total honesty policy with him!!!

@ Falen

Hahahaha...only you can come up with a comment tht can make me laugh!!! Yeah...i'm kick ass and I'm bad ass too! ;)

Thanks fr the award again!!! N thanks to all fr dropping by!!

M@rvin said...

All one can ask for in a relationship is honesty and understanding. Sounds like you satisfied the first and he couldn't reciprocate with the second.

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

True...but insecurities are natural nowadays...i'm glad i was able to get rid of them finally...however it sucks tht we broke up a few days later!


But the show must go on!

Christian said...

I can so HAVE u anytime.. ;) lol

Dun knw.. I hav been to secure at times in everything.. mayb cos i am a confident person.. mayb its all in my head .. but thats how i am...or mayb I jst dont want to own a person... or I dont give a damn ..dat much.. ;/

n basically cos I never fear dat a person can leave me for some one..even if he does... I'd be fine I guess... ohk.. m btr off without him... n vice versa..

Phunk Factor said...

@ Christian

Oh sure...just gimme a call! ;)

N yes...with's ALWAYS in ur head...u keep on mind f*cking urslf, especially regarding ur talents....but i'm glad u hav finally stopped doing tht!!!

N always...the eternal Cristina! :D

dating diva said...

Congrats on the award! Jealousy is always tough to deal with in relationships. My last boyfriend would worry incessantly if a guy even glanced at me on the street. I hope things keep going well with Nathan!


Derric said...

OMG, where are all these insecurites coming up from. we are supposed to be happy people, guess i need to go looking for a cross to shoo away all these insecurites

Phunk Factor said...

@ Dating Diva

Jealousy is a completely different thing...Nathan wasn't jealous....jealousy comes along with anger and frustration...insecurity is another thing altogether!! We're sort of maintaining a distance now bt i think it'll be back like old times soon!!

P.S. Nathan didn't like me staring at other men also! :p

@ Derric

Love isn't all candies and roses, hun! ;)

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