In my previous post I talked about one of my insecurities, in this post I am going to be telling you about Nathan's biggest insecurity regarding me. Nathan was always surprised at the amount of gays guys I knew, both on and off the Internet.
Being fairly new to the whole process of befriending a complete stranger from the Internet, he didn't exactly get the charm or the sense in becoming good friends with somebody from the Internet. I explained that it's a nice break from the drama that is going on in my mind. I can talk about how much I love Lady GaGa and have no judging glances scan me from head to toe. Everybody here is facing more or less of the same dilemma, so the whole point of just being yourself even if it's just from behind the movie is like an instant relief.
My net contacts were however not an issue for Nathan. I told him clearly that some of them are friends and some of them they are really good friends. Yes, I do want to meet a few of them. But I can very honestly say that there is nothing beyond friendship between us.
"And what about Ryan?", asked Nathan.
Nathan, aside from being skeptical of being in a gay relationship due to religious and social obligations, was skeptical that he is going to be the third wheel. He was concerned that if at any point Ryan would come forward and express any romantic interest in me, I'll dump him for Ryan. I laughed a little at the insecurity. He backed up his argument by telling me about a few movies who's plot involved the same story. About two best friends being in love or one of them being in love with the other. Only when the other finds another person to spend his or her life with, does the lover inside the friend get ignited and there starts a crazy cycle of push-n-pull and some large crazy emotional drama. All of which ends in the new guy getting dumped and the two best friends making their own happily ever after. He feared that this might happen to him and he really doesn't want to be hurt all over again.
Before he had explained his theory to me, I was laughing on the inside. But after listening to it, I literally had my stomach tied in knots from laughing really hard. I really didn't know how to explain that his insecurity was baseless to him without making him feel stupid. I had already been through this with him earlier when he felt that Christian could upstage him very easily. I took care of that easily, explaining that Christian and I can never fall in love. We've gotten so used to being friends, that we don't want it to change. Our ideas match on several levels, but we both know that we don't want to exchange it for anything else. Besides a previous experience with Christian led me to have a firm grip on the idea that Christian only sees me as a really good friend. I explained to Nathan that just like Christian, Ryan is also just a very good friend. Just because we're both gay, doesn't mean that we have to fall in love with each other.
He argued that Ryan is present in my life on a regular basis. I meet him daily. I talk to him daily. I hang out with him everyday. We share food and we're practically always flirting, or at least he's flirting with me. And it has been like this, since about 3 years. How can we not have any feelings towards eachother?, he argued.
Exactly! We have known each other for 3 years. If anything was meant to happen, it would have happened by now. We have even kissed once and it led to nothing. It's a memory that we laugh over at times when we are alone and think how foolish we were to do it. If I had any feelings, I would have definitely said them to Ryan by now. Ryan is also not the relationship kind. This is not my opinion, he has said this himself several times. He is somewhat skeptical when it comes to gay relationships, which was something Nathan and Ryan shared in common.
I told him that this is real life and in real life, always expect the unexpected. This bug kept biting Nathan for quite some time, it was only until when we dated in the summer that it went away. Nathan was however late in mentioning this detail to me. He was super sure then that I was indeed crazy about him and as he put it, 'Ryan didn't stand a chance!' LOL! It takes just a second for men to become boys and vice versa.
Before I forget or skip over it like the last time I got another award from Falen, the proud owner of Colorful Rants of a Fed-Up Sista. This time it's the ultra-cool IDGAF Award, the full form is I Don't Give A F*ck. Firstly I never really expected to get this one, but I'm so happy that I got it. Look at how cool and green it is;
I got three awards to pass on and I'm so not getting the time to do it. Argh! So here's the thing my 101th post is going to the official 'Spread the Love' post and I'm going to be putting down the blogs I think deserve the award. I really hope to come across more brilliant blogs by then, so that I can spread the love even more. Till the next time, take care!