Nov 1, 2010

Let Me Do It My Way

I woke up in the middle of last night - again. It's been happening very frequently since the past few days. I get up repeatedly in the middle of the night and take about an hour to fall asleep again. But then my mom wakes me up about two hours later and I groggy for the next couple of hours. I'm completely hating it. Ryan suggested some anti-anxiety pills and sleep medication. I can't begin to tell you how tempting the suggestion seemed, but I have decided not to resort to it. People tend to get addicted to them and become dependent on them for the rest of their life. Yes, it helps for a while. But it's no permanent solution.

I didn't tell him the reason though because it involves Nathan. Lately just about whenever I mention Nathan, he tightens his jaws and looks straight ahead. If I had X-ray vision, I bet I could see him biting his tongue as well. It's caused some fights between the two of us and I really don't have the energy to fight him on it anymore, especially after the fight today. Maybe I don't need to tell him. Given how well he knows me, I have a feeling he may already have some idea about it.

It was all taking place in whispered hushes during one of our classes. At the end of the class, Ryan disappeared. He didn't show up for the second class but he was present during the rounds. He's totally convinced that Nathan had a chronic case of cold feet. Ryan felt that sooner or later, he would back off. He told me about this sometime in April, when I was still involved with Nathan. Nathan was aware of this notion and he really didn't care. He had his own issues with Ryan for a while but at least I was able to solve them.

Surprisingly Ryan's thoughts didn't come as a shock to me, Ryan has never really liked any of the guys I have gone out with or even the ones I have crushed upon. He thinks I have the absolute worst taste when it comes to getting guys. Looking back at my romantic history, a part of me feels that he maybe on to something.

As I mentioned in the last para, Ryan and I had a fight. It all started when he asked me how long would I take to get over Nathan. I didn't know, so I told him exactly that. Given that I have exams from next month, I'm trying really really hard not to think about Nathan at any given moment of the day. He pressed me for an answer, giving me options of various time period. It was getting irritating. "I don't know. Don't you get it?", I growled.

"No! I don't! That's why I'm asking you!"

"What do you not get?", I asked. I just wanted him to shut up and let me concentrate on the lecture.

"I don't get why do you still having feelings for him! Most of the things you wanted, he had a problem with. So how could you be happy with him?", he asked me.

"Things can be negotiated!", I told him.

"They can! But you didn't negotiate. He said, you obeyed. Like a good little housewife!" he told me. There was silence for a while. "The only way I can figure it all added up is that either the sex was really good or he looked like an Abercombie & Fitch model! So what was it?"

Hearing that coming from Ryan, I totally lost it. "So I like being a little submissive. Is that really a crime? And not everything gets measured by body-rocking sex! And what is your problem?"

"My problem is that you are my best friend. And you don't get how much it sucks to see you miserable!"

"Whatever!", I said packing my books and moved a few benches ahead. I turned behind after sometime to see if he was still sitting there. Fortunately or unfortunately I can't quite decide, he wasn't there. He was probably hanging outside the boys common room. It is a plain simple fact at the end of the day, I don't know. I don't know when will I start feeling better again. I don't know when all the memories of Nathan will become just memories, with no feelings attached to them what so ever. Another person has been pressuring me to get over Nathan, I'm going to get to him sometime soon over here. It's not like I'm ungrateful to Ryan for helping me get better. He wanted to be there with me when I broke up. I do appreciate it! But I can't rush through this.

Personally I just wish that people around me would stop bringing Nathan up in conversation or when I deny some little thing, they would not ask me if it's because I'm still hung up on Nathan. Because of this I have lately started hanging out with my family more. Awesome distraction and nobody knows Nathan so nobody can ask anything about him or us. Blissful to the core, I tell you!

All I'm asking from people is to let me do it my own way. That's all!



awwww *hugs* poor boo! Take your time! Only YOU will know when you are over one can rush you! be honest...maybe your homie wants to hurry your healing for HIMSELF! It sounds like he wants your attention (and your heart) to be swooning over someone more "worthy" HIM! ...something to think about boo!

Sebastian G. Oliver said...

You have a wonderful way with words, ever thought about writing a book?

sam amk (fb) said...

this is life we keep missing ppl who were around us whom v have always loved ...someday ...either they turn their head away or die ...
but there is always one day wen we start forgetting them...n calling it like everything happens for the gud..
remember the true happiness lies within u....
This is ma 1st comment here sam amk from fb..

Phunk Factor said...


I do feel that at times but then we are so frank that if there was anything like that...he would have told me by now!!!

And even if he does make a move, I can't get into a new relationship when I haven't fully gotten over the last one!


@ Sebastian G. Oliver

Novels...perhaps!! ;)

@ Sam Amk (fb)

Dude, I recognized you instantly..i've talked to u enough! ;)

Yeah....eventually everyone is forgotten...i just hope eventually comes soon!!

Anonymous said...

Either you are blind or extremely dumb not to notice that Ryan has feelings for you...nobody who is just friends would go through all the shit he puts through for you!

Wake up and smell the coffee, honey! Your romeo is already standing in front of you!

Mac Callister said...

it will be better in time trust me,been on that situation a couple of times...i've mastered the art of moving on thru these years...

just try to forget everything about him and try to focus in this guy ryan,he seems to be nice.

Christian said...

err.... Dunno if i hav told u dis before.... I kinda agree with Ryan.... and he's just pissed .. cos you are wasting ..being miserable over sumone who doesnt deserves it... dats y.... bt it'll take time... I am so happy that you have a Great Friend like Ryan... Talk to him.. and let him talk to you... bt thn guys aint subtle n Ryan is def nt.... n def Ryan doesnt want to do anything with u.. bt he dus care a lot... :)

M@rvin said...

Do take your time, others may not realize that it takes longer for some of us. My friend AJ here kept telling me to break up too shortly before it happened, saying "This is an abusive relationship, get out now!" Very annoying at the time, but not completely wrong. :)

As for the sleep, my suggestion - more exercise if you can. Stopped my sleeping pills after hitting the gym.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Anonymous

Dude, we're JUST friends...i know this fr sure...and even if there is something more from his side, I'd rather have him make the first move..but obviously since I don't have anything like that fr's gonna be a disaster anyway! :(

@ Mac Callister

I'm focusing on my exams...they're not nice but they're important!!!

@ Christian

When you break-up, you just don't get up and get over it!! I do get it that you all mean well..but the point is the same...there is just a certain amount which I can suppress and ignore...somethings I can't...they would go away with time...really don't have a choice with them!!

@ M@rvin

Umm..mine wasn't abusive!! He was super nice...but just his ideas weren't similar to mine and since I really couldn't say anything about the future..I agreed to the present!!

Exercise?! Argh!!!! Umm..okay!! Worth a shot...i seriously would give ANYTHING to get a good night's sleep!

Christian said...

@ Yea Kid.. i know... Only time heals... no new Bf.. or nothing else can help you except Time... Bt i Hope u dont distance urself ur Ryan... he is a damn gud frnd.. n he cares abt u dats ..y... make him understand.. u need time.. :)

and Best thing is You are doing Extremely well...than most ppl.. n tell Ryan that.

n hw can ppl jst read few lines n pass a judgement on sum Relationship... nly two person can knw wat they share... n to read sumthing in Frndship .. dat is jst pure frndship... its nt right...

Phunk Factor said...

@ Christian

Not really...we were back to our joking selves today and I apologized for my backlash from ystrday!!

I could probably tell Ryan that I'm doing good, but I don't think he would believe me!!

P.S. 'Kid?' Seriously?

wajahat said...

ammm no comments you should get the answers for ourself
and giving you a free advice for today is dont let others talk first otherwise you could loose the people which carry great impto you..
and about sleeping issue you'll have the problem due to taking stress all the time it will take time even if you hit a gym though its related to your heart.. =)

Jack said...

I'm supporting the gym suggestion by M@rvin....ur body maybe tired after that but it falls asleep quicker and into a more restful nightmares or whatever that's bothering you!

Ryan is an excellent friend..from what I can I'm in full support of what Christian is saying! He may not have the nicest way of saying it...but his heart is in the right place!

Take care, Kid!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Wajahat

Perhaps...but I feel like a fool for always being the first one to say those 3 words!!

@ Jack

And I am in full support of u! ;)
Hahahaha...thanks fr the advice, man!

P.S. Don't call me 'kid', I'm about to turn 23!

Derric said...

Phunk, now i am getting pissed. Ok i understand that you need time to get over Nathan, but this is too much. Getting him out of your heart might take sometime, but you need to get him out of your head atleast. Its your life thats being kept at stake here and if you are not able to have a cool head, then definitely Ryan has the right to ask you. He is just worried for you. You need to have new muse, a hobby what ever that takes ur mind off.
Stop making your life miserable, Dont hate me for saying this but "No Posts on Nathan", you are re-living each day, when u are posting of him. And that way you are not gonna be able to move ahead.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

I have gotten somewhat over him...i kno the difference is so hard to then i kno because tht sinking feeling i had everytime i would think of isn't strong nemore wen I have'll take a lil more i know tht's gonna pass on and i'm going to move on....but at the same time...i gotta do it on my own that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the help frm Ryan n you all! :)

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