Nov 8, 2010

Girl Power

Way back before Nathan had met me, there was another person in his life and this person happened to be a girl. Yes, Nathan was mostly gay. Rarely did any girl turn him on, but there was this one girl that managed the seemingly impossible task previously only female celebrities managed. They were a couple for sometime. In fact things were so fantastic between them that they had started planning a life for themselves. Their families were really good friends and everyone was expecting that this one is going to go long and go really good. Unfortunately that wasn't how it turned out. It didn't end smoothly and there was some heavy damage unto Nathan.

When Nathan met me, he was mostly over the girl. He had grown as a person and as a man, he refused to let things get to him. He told me the journey since then had been hard but it had forced him to grow up even more in many ways. He enjoyed being himself more now and mostly he had learned to depend on himself only. Our relationship was still in the early stages and one of my insecurities back then was loosing Nathan to her. Even if you take out the fact that she was a girl, it was also a fact that she was his childhood sweetheart. In every possible manner, she had the odds stack against me. If it ever come out to picking up the dukes, I would have gone down in 10 seconds flat no matter how hard I would have fought.

The society, especially my society; accepts only a man and woman in union as a couple. Anything else is unnatural and more or less of an abomination. Yes, 'abomination' is the word a teacher of mine recently used to describe any homosexual relation - physical or emotional. Nathan had repeatedly told me that he felt absolutely nothing for her now except for a natural sense of a genuine wish that her life turns out to be as she wants it to be - such a gentleman. Those words however didn't do anything to convince me. I still believed that this girl could blow out my candle with a simple snap of her fingers generated 10 miles away. Yes, I was incredibly insecure. However I didn't whine about it. Maybe it was all in my head and possibly it all would go away with time. Whining repeatedly would probably annoy Nathan as well.

My insecurity was high to such a level that once I even asked Nathan if he still had feelings for her. Denying it, Nathan told me there is a reason she is his past and will remain that way. They were really good, Nathan accepted that fact. However there were moments of doubt in his mind when it came to making the relationship work and Nathan pointed out to a few pointers in her that annoyed him. But he was open-minded enough to look over them. There is nothing here that I needed to be worried for or feel insecure about, he stated.

The same night I went over our conversation and I asked myself, why am I so insecure about loosing Nathan to her?. And then something like a light bulb suddenly lit up in my head. The other real reason why I was so insecure about this was that if there ever was an opportunity when Gracie came forward to take a permanent place in my life by my side; I would be seriously tempted everything I have just to be accepted and to be at somewhat ease.

But just like the girl in Nathan's past had closed any doors for Nathan, Gracie had done just the same with me. She had closed every possible door, leaving us to be nothing more than very good friends. We're such good friends that people have often mistaken us for a couple. We're such good friends that Gracie's mother once asked her if she's considering me for something long-term. We're such good friends that Ryan believes we can actually become one of those it couples as the chemistry is literally right there. I know it! I knew it! She doesn't! Or maybe she does, can't say!

The only way to get over this insecurity is to get over the idea that Gracie and I could be something together. The time when I opened my mouth, it was horrible. Our friendship was shattered to such an extent that I didn't expect it to ever get back to how it was. But I worked hard on it and we're back. She still confides in me. I'm still the only guy who she allows to share her plate. She is still open to considering things I suggest. So maybe that's the way things are meant to be.

We would be just really good friends. However no matter how good of a friend she will be, I can't ever tell her everything about me.

With those thoughts I put a pause on the Gracie page in my life. Yes, she's my sweetheart! But if I don't let her go, I won't ever be fully secure about Nathan and me. Girl Power!, it gets the best in all of us - straight or gay, really doesn't make any difference.



I HATE THE WORD ABOMINATION!! I remember my English professor using it and I left the class! *long story on him giving his opinions on homosexuality and mocking me because I had so much to say on it but I was totally hetero ...(he thought I was a hypocrite)*

side note...FUCK HIM! That's why he got fired! Na na ni boo boo!

Any way, love should never see any color and god makes no mistakes! I think when it comes to religion, HUMANS got it all backwards! *don't get me preaching in here*

but girl or guy, in my opinion ITS THE BEST FIT THAT SHOULD BE CHOSEN! Whomever can love the hardest wins!

M@rvin said...

A relationship with a woman would be hard (no pun intended) with no sex, or do you think you could handle that?

It sounds like at least in Pakistan people have heard of homosexuality, in India they act like it's just a Western phenomenon (much like Ahmedinejad of Iran, actually!).

And I see you chose Chelsea's photo from ANTM. :D

Phunk Factor said...

@ Falen

OMG! U left the class?

N stood up for us rainbow folks..awwww...i could give ua really big hug right now!! :D

'Whomever can love the hardest wins' = Awesome words! :D

@ M@rvin

No...Gracie actually turns me on....she was my what that girl was to Nathan...that one exception!

India is more accepting, don't u think?

They have those gay pride walks and everything...lotsa gay indians are coming out to their parents now...i think India is more liberal in that sense!!!

Yes yes yes..i did!!! Hahahaha...not my favorite from this season though...I'm rooting for Ann, Kayla n Jane! :D

M@rvin said...

Well, at least it's not illegal in India anymore, which is why some people feel bold enough to come out. But straight people still say stupid things about it all the time.

Me too - Ann, Kayla, Jane... Jane is flying under the radar at the moment, but sometimes the understated beauty wins. :)

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Yeah...i guess!! I that doesn't happen all that often...if she can pull off amazing photos in the cmng weeks she has a shot at taking the price!!

I truly love her face!!

wajahat said...

well i use to respect all homosexuals because they are human beings on first hand even there are two of my sweetheart friends which are gays and they are in my straight facebook profile no matter what they are what do they like blablaa the things which only matter is friendship, feelings n heart bass... so those who say all of shits against homosexuals i don't give a damn fuck to them.. side note "i am saying all this as a straight person"..
and liked the part of gracie as well i am also having the same kinda story related to me with a female friend.. =(
and another part is that i really dont care if anyone pokes me by commenting on add of gays in my profile..
although i have been pointed out many of the times but i use to give them a nipple so that they become quite =P =D <3

Phunk Factor said...

@ Wajahat

Dude...ur one of the most understanding guys I've ever known...albeit a little crazy at times! :p

wajahat said...

Ohhh thanks alot i am feeling like the happiest person on earth..
liked the word crazy at times.. was really awesome hahaha =D <3

Jack said...

So what are you? Bi?

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jack

No, I'm gay...but like there is an exception to every rule....i do have an exception....and that is Gracie!!

She's the only girl to whom I am completely attracted to....i'll be posting more about her later...maybe then it would make more sense!

Jack said...

Aright! But then explain this...if you don't mind...what in her attracts you?

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jack

Ur the second guy to ask me tht...i'll be putting up a post on it sometime soon...that way everyone's curiosity will be relieved! ;)

P.S. Stop being so nosy! :p

J'st kidd'in!!!

Derric said...

looks like everyone has girlfriend, (a friend who happens to be a girl) in the past. May be its that we gays hava softer side of our heart that connects withthem
What ever be it these insecurites will remain as long as forever. Women,ufff, one day we will win the battle.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

LOL!! i don't think so!!!! Remember...after all they ARE the fairer sex!

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