Oct 11, 2010

Oh For a Little Pixie Dust

I promised myself I'd try to keep post about Nathan to a minimum. I scrapped the whole list of posts I had planned, I felt that if I continue posting about him I won't stop thinking about him. But even if I don't post about him, I can't stop thinking about him. The last few days have been tough and our whole plan of being friends fell like a brick wall constructed by a bunch incompetent fools. However I feel largely I am responsible for the falling out - as usual I opened my big fat mouth and out came the worst.

It all started with us exchanging messages about a week ago and Nathan felt that we were slipping back into our old roles. We were exchanging multiple messages through out the day through our Facebook profiles - the gay ones. I'm still not on Nathan's straight profile since the Identity Crisis. It was his choice of taking me off and the only way I was willing to go back was if he sent me an add request himself but I sort of knew that it won't be happening anytime soon. And then ever since the break up, I was totally convinced that there is no way I would be there in this life at least. I'm not being sarcastic, just brutally honest. In the end, we are no longer added on each other's gay Facebook profiles either.

Breaking up sucked! It sucked really really bad. But the recent developments are a hundred on the pain scale of 1 to 10. It's so horrible that I feel like lashing out back at Nathan. I can't begin to recall the number of messages I typed on Facebook and my cell that I didn't send. I wanted to click 'Send' and let it all out but I am not trusting my emotions and senses right now. I know I am bound to say something that I will regret the next moment. I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that is somewhat successful at keeping me distracted are my studies but I'm completely saturated right now from studying all the time. I can't read another page or learn another note because I'm completely sick of it all.

As much as I enjoyed the few months together we had, I wish at times that we had never started and we had just been friends. I should have never told him about how I was feeling and we could have been just friends. He would have never thought about me in that way and never reciprocated either, in turn I would have eventually moved on. But that's not how it happened. I have a trunk full of memories that haunt me when I'm alone. I'll forever have these only and nothing more. I won't ever again have a chance to hug him, kiss him or be with him, and when I'm asleep these thoughts take over and I find myself dreaming about all that. I wake up from these nightmares which once upon a time were my dreams. Everything I dreamed about doing with Nathan is now supposed to be locked away forever and never to be opened again, but I can't bring myself to believe that this chapter of my life is over. And that too so soon!

I have also decided that I am not getting involved with anybody while I'm in my college. College is supposed to be about studying hard, scoring great, becoming the best at whatever profession you have chosen for yourself, having fun with your friends and making fun of the professors - occasionally. It may be hard given how often I have crushes which also strangely have come to a complete halt. I am only thinking about the person I am not supposed to be thinking about. I even tried to think about how all the ways we were wrong for each other but the one thought about how much he made happy over-whelmed everything in the negative column. To say that it is frustrating is probably the understatement of the century. I'm seriously hoping this phase passes over soon and I get back to my carefree and spontaneous self. Right now, I'm totally out of Phunk!


Paige said...

boy please i just graduated from college and its nothing about studying hard its about hooking up having fun and not failing!


awwwww my blog brother plese don't think that way! I know you can't help it, but at least try.

I have gone years (10) without knowing the touch of a man who loved me...even for a moment. I begged and begged for love but never gotten an ounce for some odd reason. Whether it was because of my looks (I was 300 pounds) or lack of self confidence, I never could find it.

You know that saying, it is better to have loved and lost...than to have never loved at all...THAT SHIT IS SO TRUE! The pain of losing is way far greater of the pain and curiosity of NOT HAVING IT.

You were blessed to have that love with Nathan and are now aware of what REAL LOVE FEELS LIKE! That won't be your only blessing trust me. As kick-ass as you are, it will only be a matter of time for you to find it again either with Nathan or with someone else.

Its not a bad thing to think back on all the great times you shared...its HEALTHY! Sure you may wanna cry, but it's okay to cry! Shedding those tears will make you stronger and ready for more love!

*I know this is long as shit but I mean it*

I got love for ya blog brother and I know that everday that you are here it will all get better!

sssdawna said...

you're so right about college...i'm having to pile up some distractions for myself right now! that's what i do when i feel down, anxious, or frustrated. i distract myself with other challenges and fun

good luck hun and keep us posted

Phunk Factor said...

@ Paige

Not medical college, lady!! While yes..i do agree with the 'not failing' part...however only those tht are amongst the best in my college are able to score good on USMLE..which is what i intend to give!

On a side note..i have always loved the name 'Paige' :)


Ur 'long' message is truly awesome...i know tht it probably won't be like this forever...bt right now..i'm extremely skeptical about all of it!

A part of me feels that I'm totally entitled to feel this way...but not to feel this way forever...i kno the optimistic will be back sooner or later...i'll keep evry1 updated! :)

@ Sssdawna

College...welcome to a taste of hell on Earth!!!

Jack said...

Rather than bottle it up, I think posting about it will be better! It may lead to some insight that you have over-looked and writing things down put them in an oder that seems more clear as compared to the jumble of thoughts in our brains...but yea...refrain from slandering..bt i think you are smart enough to know that on your own!

dating diva said...

I hope you get to feeling better too! Break ups are always tough, I wish I had a magic way to make it all better. I totally agree with @ FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT though! Now you know what love feels like and if nothing else this can be a learning experience. Staying away from serious relationships in college is prob a good idea. I promise things will get better!


Phunk Factor said...

@ Jack

You could have just said that you wanted to read the rest really really bad! :p

Hahahaha...kidd'in, man!! Bt srsly speaking..ur advice seems to be good...maybe i will follow it! :)

@ Dating Diva (Delilah)

Don't we all, girl? :)

Yeah...i'm planning to stick by that resolution fr sure...maybe date around abit...bt not sure yet! :)

Derric said...

Ya writing down your emotions is a good way, but better will be to be in a relationship, be it casual or serious. I am not saying you have to go sleep around, but a little flirting is what the Dr recommends. Agree it or not right now Bruce seems to be the perfect answer.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

Sleep around? Heavens no!!! :p

Bruce...as far as I think...is in UK right now and I doubt I'd get in touch with him..we have a certain history! ;)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...