Oct 11, 2010
Oh For a Little Pixie Dust
I promised myself I'd try to keep post about Nathan to a minimum. I scrapped the whole list of posts I had planned, I felt that if I continue posting about him I won't stop thinking about him. But even if I don't post about him, I can't stop thinking about him. The last few days have been tough and our whole plan of being friends fell like a brick wall constructed by a bunch incompetent fools. However I feel largely I am responsible for the falling out - as usual I opened my big fat mouth and out came the worst.
It all started with us exchanging messages about a week ago and Nathan felt that we were slipping back into our old roles. We were exchanging multiple messages through out the day through our Facebook profiles - the gay ones. I'm still not on Nathan's straight profile since the Identity Crisis. It was his choice of taking me off and the only way I was willing to go back was if he sent me an add request himself but I sort of knew that it won't be happening anytime soon. And then ever since the break up, I was totally convinced that there is no way I would be there in this life at least. I'm not being sarcastic, just brutally honest. In the end, we are no longer added on each other's gay Facebook profiles either.
Breaking up sucked! It sucked really really bad. But the recent developments are a hundred on the pain scale of 1 to 10. It's so horrible that I feel like lashing out back at Nathan. I can't begin to recall the number of messages I typed on Facebook and my cell that I didn't send. I wanted to click 'Send' and let it all out but I am not trusting my emotions and senses right now. I know I am bound to say something that I will regret the next moment. I don't know what to do anymore. The only thing that is somewhat successful at keeping me distracted are my studies but I'm completely saturated right now from studying all the time. I can't read another page or learn another note because I'm completely sick of it all.
As much as I enjoyed the few months together we had, I wish at times that we had never started and we had just been friends. I should have never told him about how I was feeling and we could have been just friends. He would have never thought about me in that way and never reciprocated either, in turn I would have eventually moved on. But that's not how it happened. I have a trunk full of memories that haunt me when I'm alone. I'll forever have these only and nothing more. I won't ever again have a chance to hug him, kiss him or be with him, and when I'm asleep these thoughts take over and I find myself dreaming about all that. I wake up from these nightmares which once upon a time were my dreams. Everything I dreamed about doing with Nathan is now supposed to be locked away forever and never to be opened again, but I can't bring myself to believe that this chapter of my life is over. And that too so soon!
I have also decided that I am not getting involved with anybody while I'm in my college. College is supposed to be about studying hard, scoring great, becoming the best at whatever profession you have chosen for yourself, having fun with your friends and making fun of the professors - occasionally. It may be hard given how often I have crushes which also strangely have come to a complete halt. I am only thinking about the person I am not supposed to be thinking about. I even tried to think about how all the ways we were wrong for each other but the one thought about how much he made happy over-whelmed everything in the negative column. To say that it is frustrating is probably the understatement of the century. I'm seriously hoping this phase passes over soon and I get back to my carefree and spontaneous self. Right now, I'm totally out of Phunk!