Oct 13, 2010

Not The Better Person

I cracked yesterday. I cracked really really bad. I had a rough day at college when I couldn't complete the assigned task in the time alloted to us and hence I didn't get any grade on it. But then nobody else got a grade either, nobody could complete the assignment. Our new instructing doctor is such an impossible person, he wanted us to take history, perform a physical examination, reach a differential diagnosis and counsel in 20 minutes. I'd seriously like him to take a go at that AND meet patient's satisfaction at the same time. For me, patient satisfaction is the most important thing. If the patient doesn't like how you treated him, he won't come around for a second time if anything goes wrong. The no-grade charade spoiled my entire mind set for the rest of the day. I was in the worst of the moods.

When I got home, I went straight to sleep and got up about an hour later from the alarm I had set because I needed to study for a test next week. In just a moment I looked up to the calendar in my room and saw the date being highlighted with a blue high-lighter. I had done that for every month of the year so that I don't forget to wish 'Happy Anniversary' to Nathan each month. Not that I needed any help, I am quite proud to say that I never ever forget important dates. I had done it just in case I forget, it would remind me. Better safe than sorry! ;)

The moment I saw the high-lighted date, something like a flare went up inside me and I felt extremely furious. In that blur of a moment I shot a text to Nathan. Right now, I'm hating myself for doing that! Obviously ever since the break up I had not planned on messaging Nathan. After the recent falling out, I felt I needed to control myself because if I let myself go I am very liable to say something hurtful and regretful. And that is exactly what happened yesterday!

I messaged him something about how if he had just let me gotten used to the distance we would not have broken up and we could have been celebrating another month today. Also and rightfully so, I regretted it five minutes later.

I fell back on my bed and wondered why couldn't I be like one of the composed people who don't act like freaks after they break up? They aren't obsessed about what the other person is doing right now or if the other person still may possibly have some feelings. They are hurt but that in no way let emotions hinder their everyday normal functioning.

I also regretted another thing at that moment. I regretted that when Nathan and I started corresponding after the break up, I didn't tell him that 'Hey! I'm not over you yet! I need some more time or maybe alot more time!'.

I remember telling Ryan about it and he was very surprised. "You two are talking again?", he asked me.

"Yeah!" I told him. I knew even before telling him that he would be against it. Even a part of me thought that I'm taking it too fast with Nathan.

"Don't you think it's too soon?", he asked me. "It's been just a month!"

"I don't know! I didn't expect him to get over me so soon. I didn't expect us to start talking again in just a few weeks. I thought we would at least be on silent terms for like three to four months!", I told him.

"Are you over him?" he asked me.

"No!" I told him. "But I miss him and what if he's lonely?"

"Okay, he's not lonely!", he reasoned sharply."You told me yourself he's made some friends so he's got them! You take the time you need to get him out of your system and then get to him" he told me, "As a friend!"

Why didn't I listen to Ryan and tell Nathan that I need to time-out?! I could have prevented so much damage from happening to both of us. It would have been so easy for both of us. I wish I had acted like a better person, a person who could think rationally in such a situation. Like Ryan!

Funnily in the hurry to text Nathan, I mistakenly put down 8 months instead of the actual 7 months. Now he probably thinks I forgot counting as well. Man, I'm such a doofus!


Jack said...

When you really love someone and you break up with them, you should not be surprised that it's hurting so much! True love does hurt...it hurts alot! You are experiencing it now..and for that, you should be strong and level-headed! It would pass...just stay firm and listen to Ryan..he seems to know his stuff!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jack

Thanks for your encouraging words! :)

Coolguy...Hotguy said...

Come on, join the heart brokens club...!!!
One thing that most of my friends advised me after the break up was to end all communications with him. they said as much i shall cut him from my life that much i would be able to overcome him. But than that never happened and we still speak with eachother, but then the more i got to know about him and when i got to know that the break up hasnt affected him and he's goin really well and moved on in his life, why should i wait.
But then i am not sayin that i have lost all hope, i still hope that there would be a day when we would be together again. But now i have become neutral about any of his decision, even if he says yes, i would be happy and even if he continues saying No it isnt gonna matter me anymore....
all i wanna say is that gve time to yourself, cause sometimes time is the best healer of all pains...

Phunk Factor said...

@ Coolguy...Hotguy

There's a difference to our story...i'd be VERY HAPPY if he comes back...bt I have to learn to accept that he won't...not as a lover...perhaps as a friend and just as a friend!

Derric said...

From what i know of Nathan from you, i am sure even he is going through hell as you are. He has got his friends circle and so do you, we are there to support you guys, but that wont help if you dont stop being critical about yourself.
Yes its painful now dont tell me i dont know what it is and stuff. Sometimes when you let go its painful, but its the only solution you got, ...for now.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

Yeah..that's what we need now...space n closure from each other!! Feeling critical is...something i believe...that everyone does...they look back and see how they could have done things differently and obviously better!!


Damn how did I miss this! Let me get on my job!!!

You have a good point! I will NEVER go to a doctor who is a prick to me! Fuck that! I want the facts and all, but I want a relationship with my doctor as well. Shit, I gotta have one seeing that this person will be poking around in my no no bits or asking me personal questions.

oh by the way...I ACT LIKE A FREAK TOO DURING BREAKUPS! I send crazy texts and drunk call like a mother fucker. I don't know why. I try to stop it, but It's like breathing...sure you can control it, but if you dont' do you ya might pass the fuck out!

I'm sure he understands what you are going through. hell, he might be going through the same thing.

Phunk Factor said...


No no bits? :o :p ;)

Hahahaha...you reduced me to tears with that bit!!! Possibly...everyone is telling me the same...must be something to it! :)

I love ur new picture btw!!


Aww thanks boo boo! I've been playing with this photo editing tool on Pixlr and it's the shit! I youtube videos on how to work since the shit can be complicated if you don't know what you're doing ;)

Phunk Factor said...


At any rate...you have definitely mastered the art!!!

Samuel said...

really nice man . . . selfish az it may sound but u need to blog more often ( read : once a day atleast ) , a cup of cafe , my lappy and your blog n I feel sorted to take the day ahead . . .

Phunk Factor said...

@ Samuel

That's one of the most awesome compliments ever...thanks!

Colleen said...

Give yourself a break Phunk. It's hard and you can't be expected to just shake it off. Don't we all say things we regret? Geesh, I could write a book!
Also, tell your teacher that everyone here agrees that they don't want a doctor rushing them. That's the care we get here in the US!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Colleen

I'll pass on the words! :D

I love it when people agree with me..yayy!!!

Samuel Khan said...

really nice man . . . selfish az it may sound but u need to blog more often ( read : once a day atleast ) , a cup of cafe , my lappy and your blog n I feel sorted to take the day ahead . . .

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