Sep 9, 2010
Over the time, the dreams changed. The most notable change is possibly the fact that I started to picture myself with someone. Over time, this someone turned out to be a boy. But what boy?, was another question that needed to be answered.
I dated a few guys, 5 to be exact. There was another boy I got involved with but before things could go anywhere, he cut the ties. I'll get to him later somewhere in this blog.
Sometime after that I got serious with another guy eventually. But I didn't quite picture what I had dreamed with him. It wasn't as if we were incompatible, but we had not fully understood each other. I broke that one off. You all know that boy as Bruce.
After nearly 8 months came another boy. Now this boy was something. This boy became everything. He was the boy I had always dreamed about. He was the boy I fell for deeply. No need to make you guess who I am talking about here.
Patiently in silence I pieced together my masterpiece, somewhere along this period he started to help me put the pieces on my masterpiece. We had our own little workshop where we experimented and explored, taking out pieces which didn't fit and putting the ones that did fit in their place instead. We smiled as each piece came together to fit perfectly. It was turning out beautifully.
But then some pieces weren't going anywhere. They just didn't seem to fit. No matter how much I tried to force them in, there was no way. He felt that it was no longer the masterpiece I wanted. He felt that even if we somehow put these pieces together somehow, they would crumble someday with so much force that they would take down the entire workshop with them. I denied. He insisted. He said that he knew what he was doing. He said that one day we would look back and agree that it was the right decision. I tried my best to stop him but there was no stopping him. He pushed himself away and stepped out, now I'm in this workshop all alone. I have my pieces. I have his pieces. But I can't put them together. His pieces can only be put in their place by him. But he isn't here, so those pieces will just lie there.
My masterpiece for now stays incomplete. It may stay incomplete for a while. Or maybe it is complete. Maybe it's meant to be completed in an incomplete fashion. I don't know. But for now, I'll let the dust settle. I'm tired from trying to put it together. I'm very tired!