After not talking for two whole days on the basis of a mutual decision, we finally had a conversation last night and we are no longer in a relation. Fortunately it was not a messy break up. No screaming, cursing, threatening or any other kind of verbal abuse. Unfortunately it still hurts like hell. Maybe even more!
The purpose for which we took a time-out was to collect our thoughts about the issues we are facing regarding the other person and then we would have a sit-down to sort them out. Once we did sat down to sort them out, they proved to be too much for both of us. Neither of us wanted the break up and at some place in our hearts, we felt it's a very wrong decision.
I really can't describe how I am feeling. I never really thought about breaking up, because every time I did think about it I felt a constriction rising in my throat and an unpleasant sensation of my insides being pulled out. I sort of did expect it to hurt. But would it hurt this much?, I had absolutely no idea. I'm soaking in in self-hated and frustration right now. I couldn't keep it together. I tried my best but sometimes Life pushes you into a chair and reminds you that you're the bitch . I can shake off the self-hatred to some extent but the frustration doesn't shake so easy. The worst possible is the permeating feeling of guilt of the damage that I caused. Nathan never planned to get involved with anyone ever. But then I stepped in and got him involved. I got him good. I got him bad. I can't stop thinking that it would have been so much simple if I had never really made a move in the first place.
I have no idea what's written in the future for the two of us. I told him I wanted to be friends. He suggested the same. I know it's a cliche saying that you should never be friends with an ex. But I have a strong feeling in my heart that going cold turkey is going to drive me nuts. I have grown really fond of Nathan, so if perhaps not as lovers. We can be great as friends, after all that's what we intended to be in the first place. However we both need a little time to heal. Conversations and such would resume after some time. We promised to keep in touch and get back to normal, or as close to that as possible.
As I lay in my bed last night, I recalled something about relationships that I read in some forum. I can't recall the exact words right now, but here's sort of how it went. It's very easy to get into a relationship, but it's very hard to stay in one. I witnessed that today. I guess that's how it feels being in an adult relationship. I have been in relationship twice before Nathan, but the break up process never seemed this difficult. Yes, they were difficult. But in the sense of making the move, not in the sense of getting over the other person.
The more I try to get my head in a clear phase, the more I miss Nathan. Every muscle fiber in my body is literally twitching to call him right now and talk to him. Ask him how he's doing, and make up so as to get involved again. But I'm stopping myself. I'll tie my hands together if the need rises, I'm not going to call him. I'm not going to put him in the emotional mess I created in his life. He wasn't mad at all when we broke up, he was more sad. He loved it and he never let a moment pass without making me realize that.I cherished him immensely. Nathan, you're amazing!, I always told him and I really meant it.
I hate saying good-bye to the Committed status I shared with him, I really do! Maybe it's not my place to be at your side. Or maybe time wasn't right. I have no idea. If only there was a way to get it all back together, I'd take it up in a blink of an eye, in a single beat of the heart! I definitely would!
You were quite possibly The One!