Sep 7, 2010

Good-Bye, My Lover!

After not talking for two whole days on the basis of a mutual decision, we finally had a conversation last night and we are no longer in a relation. Fortunately it was not a messy break up. No screaming, cursing, threatening or any other kind of verbal abuse. Unfortunately it still hurts like hell. Maybe even more!

The purpose for which we took a time-out was to collect our thoughts about the issues we are facing regarding the other person and then we would have a sit-down to sort them out. Once we did sat down to sort them out, they proved to be too much for both of us. Neither of us wanted the break up and at some place in our hearts, we felt it's a very wrong decision.

I really can't describe how I am feeling. I never really thought about breaking up, because every time I did think about it I felt a constriction rising in my throat and an unpleasant sensation of my insides being pulled out. I sort of did expect it to hurt. But would it hurt this much?, I had absolutely no idea. I'm soaking in in self-hated and frustration right now. I couldn't keep it together. I tried my best but sometimes Life pushes you into a chair and reminds you that you're the bitch . I can shake off the self-hatred to some extent but the frustration doesn't shake so easy. The worst possible is the permeating feeling of guilt of the damage that I caused. Nathan never planned to get involved with anyone ever. But then I stepped in and got him involved. I got him good. I got him bad. I can't stop thinking that it would have been so much simple if I had never really made a move in the first place.


I have no idea what's written in the future for the two of us. I told him I wanted to be friends. He suggested the same. I know it's a cliche saying that you should never be friends with an ex. But I have a strong feeling in my heart that going cold turkey is going to drive me nuts. I have grown really fond of Nathan, so if perhaps not as lovers. We can be great as friends, after all that's what we intended to be in the first place. However we both need a little time to heal. Conversations and such would resume after some time. We promised to keep in touch and get back to normal, or as close to that as possible.



As I lay in my bed last night, I recalled something about relationships that I read in some forum. I can't recall the exact words right now, but here's sort of how it went. It's very easy to get into a relationship, but it's very hard to stay in one. I witnessed that today. I guess that's how it feels being in an adult relationship. I have been in relationship twice before Nathan, but the break up process never seemed this difficult. Yes, they were difficult. But in the sense of making the move, not in the sense of getting over the other person.

The more I try to get my head in a clear phase, the more I miss Nathan. Every muscle fiber in my body is literally twitching to call him right now and talk to him. Ask him how he's doing, and make up so as to get involved again. But I'm stopping myself. I'll tie my hands together if the need rises, I'm not going to call him. I'm not going to put him in the emotional mess I created in his life. He wasn't mad at all when we broke up, he was more sad. He loved it and he never let a moment pass without making me realize that.I cherished him immensely. Nathan, you're amazing!, I always told him and I really meant it.

I hate saying good-bye to the Committed status I shared with him, I really do! Maybe it's not my place to be at your side. Or maybe time wasn't right. I have no idea. If only there was a way to get it all back together, I'd take it up in a blink of an eye, in a single beat of the heart! I definitely would!



You were quite possibly The One!

19 comments:

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

awwwwwww no no no! I can't believe this happened. Sweetie everything is gonna be alright. It may not seem like it now but it will be.

..i've never been good at talking about this stuff so I'ma just come from the HEART on this one:

Break ups fucking suck...but sometimes, just sometimes...they are not always final!


I've noticed that sometimes people need to take a step back so that they can really appreciate someone!

Maybe he'll date around and run into some people that will seriously make him miss and appreciate YOU more and all the things that you two went through together. Maybe he'll be like: hmmm I really miss him because this guy I'm talking to now is a complete douche bag and my ex never acted like that!

That's why I think it's a good idea to be friends for now.

I can already kinda see it...
after the awkward phase is over, then you two will be chatting it up in no time and maybe fall in love all over again...then comes the make up!

Its okay to always have hope of these things...who knows, you two might just stay friends and you will end up in another bad ass relationship...

If fate doesn't want you two together, maybe fate is moving him aside to MAKE SPACE FOR THE REAL ONE!

Or fate is giving you two a small break to REALLY FALL IN LOVE WITH EACHOTHER TO THE BONE!

You will find out soon!

I wish I could take the pain away for you...but I can't ...I just hope what I said takes the edge off just a little :D

love ya much my blog brotha!

Mike said...

:::Hug:::

I am never one for the cold turkey thing with exes. It's better to have friends than enemies. Hopefully with the passage of times things will work out- as cliche as it is.

Kane said...

Ahhh... Another love affair ending.

I hope you will be well soon. Break-ups are never easy. Sigh.

Kane

Branden said...

oh phunku, its sad :( ... i hope you feel fine soon. I dont know what to say, i wish i could help make your pain go away. :(

Anonymous said...

Told you it's going to go up in flames! Reject this comment if you want to, but we both know I said this earlier and now you know it came true!

Vitori Vita said...

Seeing relationships end is so depressing... But I like how your relationship ended in a peaceful manner... It does not end that way all the time... But maybe because both of you were quite tired of your previous quarrels... I hope you are OK and recovering well from the break-up...

Phunk Factor said...

@ FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT

My blog sista...i wanna hug u sooooo badly now..if ur bf doesn't mind! Ur words mean so freak'in much!!

Unfortunately..i do think it's final! I don't wanna hurt him again...n he definitely doesn't want to be hurt again!

I'll be lucky if we can get back to being friends! He's not the dating kind....i don't think nething will make him come back to me!

@ Mike

Fingers crossed....hugs to u too!

@ Kane

Yeah...its in the astral planes or something...i noticed at two other blogs the break up happening! I dunno wat else to say....thanks fr the wishes!

@ Branden

Thanks fr ur wishes too, kid! N u too....hang in there....read ur latest...hope u get back with Lee really soon!

@ Anonymous

Don't care who you are...but i got just one thing for u; STFU!

If u don't like me...stop reading what I write!

@ Vitori Vita

I think he was tired of putting up with my drama n antics! I don't blame him! Thanks for taking time out to drop words of concern...cmng from someone who's never said anything ever before..ur made ur mark with ur first ever message!

Whimsical said...

Dear Phunk,

I don't how it feels or what to say to assuage your pain.All I can do is

*HUG**HUG**HUG*

The sunshine might soon return...

Aravindan

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

awwwwww my bf wouldn't mind you giving me a hug..and even if he did I'd tell him go choke on a big slab of stfu!

Like I always say, you NEVER KNOW what tomorrow will bring. When you just think that things could never happen...something ALWAYS happens to show you they do!

...no matter what happens, you WILL be happy again!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Whimsical

Thanks fr all the hugs, bro!!

@ FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT

I know I will be...but when is something I'm not sure about! Thanks for dropping by!

Derric said...

Be strong, even if it means crying/screaming out the pain. Time will set everything right brother

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

Fingers crossed....right now I do feel like crying alot..but I don't want to! Dunno..it's a strange mixed feeling!

M@rvin said...

OMG, I am SOO sorry to hear about this! Don't call him now, wait a while for things to settle - gives you the chance to be by yourself and analyze the relationship.

Dean Grey said...

Phunk Factor!

I'm saddened to hear this!

I know this has got to be very, very hard for you right now.

I fell in love with a man who ended up breaking my heart into thousands of pieces. I was devastated and thought it was going to kill me.

I internalized his own issues and blamed myself. I hated myself and just wanted to die.

But I'm still here. Little by little, I pushed through it.

And even though I do believe he could've been The One for me, well, that's just not how it worked out. Simple as that. I had to deal with the reality of it.

You will too, in time.

For now, cry, scream, write, talk, vent. Do whatever you need to do.

(((HUGS)))

-Dean

Phunk Factor said...

@ M@rvin

Long time no see, man....you won't believe this but i was actually thinking about u a few days ago...wondering where hav u been hiding....couldn't message u cuz my ent ws shorted out! :(

Yeah...we're taking our own space to heal ourselves!

@ Dean Grey

Can I share a coffee with u sometime? ;)

Hahahaha...perhaps sometime if I'm lucky enough! :)

Thanks fr leaving u valuable words of support!

Dean Grey said...

You can have coffee with me anytime, Phunk!!

(~_^)

-Dean

Phunk Factor said...

@ Dean

I srsly hope I do!

Jack said...

What doesn't break you, only makes you stronger!

You are smart enough to make sense out of it...don't let me down!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Jack

I'm enamored, buddy! :)

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