Aug 11, 2010

Not There Yet


It's been about 48 hours since he's left and it feels so weird. He's back home which is great for him, but it kind of sucks. LOL! I guess a little bit of the monster still lurks inside me. However the stalking has yet to start, so I think I'm holding up really well.

I always knew that at some point he would be leaving for his country and I won't be seeing him for a year. I had completely over-looked the fact that it may not happen like I had pictured it. I didn't have the thought in my mind that something or the other may go horribly wrong, which is exactly what happened during the last few days of his stay.

I don't recall if I had mentioned it earlier or not, but when we met on Saturday we did it for some private time. I had the entire fantasy playing in my head again and again, and now I can't stop thinking about it. I would have played with his fingers, which is something I love to do. There would be a moment of silence, or maybe an awkward pause where we both would look at our intertwined hands. Then fall into an endless kiss. The kiss that brings a smile to my face and I would smile like a goof. Yeah, I'm seeing that goofy smile in my room's mirror right now.

The kiss that would drift me off to a faraway land where only Nathan could lead me to. It was nothing less than a magic carpet ride. I would climb into his lap, another favorite of mine and just stay there. Sometimes he would pull me, inviting me to make the move and at others he would lean forward and settle in my lap on his own accord. His crushing embrace, my private heaven. I'm pretty crazy for even a simple touch from him.

But none of that happened. Our good-bye happened through the cold, metallic keypads of our cellphones, hardly romantic if you ask me. But like I said before, that was all we could manage. Nathan may have left but the cravings still linger inside me gnawing like a termite on a constant binge trip. Quite possibly the worst times is when I'm alone in my bed, that's when it's the worst. I can't deny that I wasn't aware of this, I knew that times would be harder for me with him gone once we've met. The first night I wasn't able to sleep, thank God the next day the college was closed. It's gotten somewhat better, but the images still flash before my eyes like a memory. Curse imagination in over-drive!

I never had the good bye I wanted but like certain things it is another thing I have to get used to. I need to get this heat out but I can't. Maybe I'm going crazy, but a part of me is enjoying this bittersweet torment. The crazy part of me feels that we're still connected. The next few months are going to be an adventure, let's see what turns up!

2 comments:

Derric said...

Yes this first month will be tormenting but soon time will set the mood right and you will feel normal. And this being Ramadan its the perfect month to get reconnected with yourself.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

Hopefully! :)

Thanks for dropping by!

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