Aug 20, 2010

Identity Crisis

Being closeted means you intend to keep you being gay a secret from the society. We tend to regard our privacy very highly. Some of us keep it so close-guarded that we draw a clear line that distinguishes the two identities completely, revealing it to a selected few only. Violation of this strict code leads to a crisis, an identity crisis


I have a few of my gay friends on my Facebook account. I have always had some, even when Orkut was all in rage. If at some point I decide to leave the entity of Phunk Factor behind in the shadows I still want the amazing friends I have made to be with me. But if you stalk my contacts to find out about Nathan I will not be pleased. Recently someone attempted it and was successful. When he told me about his recent discovery, I was in shock but I came clean trusting him. Clearly a stupid move on my part. My damage control abilities suck like that of my government.

So this dude, I know he means no harm. I've talked to him on several occasions and he's definitely fun to talk to. His strategy put me in an uncomfortable position but I let it go. Nathan should know about this, I thought. But during those days he was busy with some problems of his own and he didn't have a stable net connection. I didn't want to trouble him, so I kept mum. Another stupid move on my part! Time passed and this critical detail got lost in the background. Two days ago it surfaced. The result?!

Three words; Hell broke loose!

At that point, absolutely nothing would calm Nathan down. To say that he was pissed would be an understatement. I really couldn't object, he had every right to be express all those emotions he was feeling. His closely guarded secret was in the knowledge of a complete stranger. While I did trust the new kid, Nathan barely knew him. He didn't care at that moment about anything else. All he could think about was that his privacy had been violated.

I had no option but to support him, and I did. I counseled the best I could, gave him space when he needed it and kept my guard up for any signs of activity from him. Five hours later, Nathan's Facebook profile was but a shell of it's former glory. He had taken down all his pictures and personal details, it was like there was this profile who happened to have the same address as that of Nathan but it wasn't Nathan. I felt like someone had just pulled my insides out.

He lost his memories and I lost my little window into his life. Nathan's friends have no idea about me or of his being gay. He's closeted, more than me. I got a few people around me who know that I'm gay, he's got just one. While I was added, I rarely showed any activity. However I did enjoy reading the comments he got on his pictures and all that other kooky stuff that happens on Facebook. Now I can't do it and I probably never will. He's not sure about having me on the ID anymore, but he's not sure about this decision either. He fears that more people would break into his life. What am I doing?

I'm supporting him where I can and plan to give him advice if I got something good enough. Nothing concrete yet, we both are still working out what we should do next. Any advice would be welcome!

17 comments:

Artistry of Male said...

Hey Phunk, that's a tough situation. I wish I had advice to give but I don't. I wish you well and hope that things will work out for the good for you and your friend. Peace, AOM

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

IN MY OPINION: (just my opinion) the guy that overstepped his boundaries was so wrong. Even though he didnt mean any harm, he caused it. This a blog page with your personal thoughts inside of it and you were giving enough to spill about intimate details almost to be sharing a secret with all of your followers...to run off to Nathan and cause friction WAS HELLA WRONG!!!!!


I wish I had advise but I'm not the perfect advise giver...all I can say is explain to him how you don't want something like this to come in between the two of you and what you have. I hate when people WHO DON'T THINK ruin something special!!

And it really sucks having to hide who you are! Its not fair! I wish I could kick this life in the balls sometimes! You hiding your sexuality would be like me painting my skin white and walking around wearing a blonde wig and blue contacts...ITS COVERING UP WHO I AM...I can't imagine that. I wish people would pull the stick out their asses when it comes to sexuality! Damn shame!

Christian said...

LOL ...Ok.. i shudnt, but i did grin... :D :(...

i can see Natha's Point of view too n understand ur perspective also, both of you are correct in your own way..

this happened with me, wen i was in the initial phase of my relationship, m out to my BFF, a gal, n i showed her pics of my ( nw Ex ) BF... cos i tell her everything.. n cmon i wanted to show off my BF.... wen i told dis to him, he was really freakked out, personally i thot he was making a Big deal out of nothing... bt i nvr cared much.. mostly cos it was done... i dint care 1st of all, cos those were just pics... she dint knew his Real Identity nor Gay one, so nothing wud have happened...

But yea, wen these things happen in facebook n Orkut, its understandable .. Nathan's actions..

Phunk Factor said...

@ Artistry of Male

Thanks for the wishes, bud!!

@ FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT

That's one thing Nathan told me....this won't come between what we have!!

Also I completely love ur last para...but as much as I wish I could put my swagger on...i can't! At least not yet!

Also...i think ur pretty! :)

@ Christian

I read on another blog that this happens when the two people involved are in a different stage of coming out!!

Thanks fr dropping by y'all!

Mac Callister said...

oh,maybe just give him space,and I know its hard to come out so people chose to be inside the closet.

let him be and im happy you are at his side.just give him ur support and love....

M@rvin said...

Not very useful advice for the situation at hand, but... You guys are young, you'll figure it all out in a few years, and things will be fine. Sometimes it's surprising to see people you never expected to be OK with it to just shrug their shoulders when you come out.

You're on Facebook? I should stalk you! :)

Branden said...

Oh my, one move and boundries are created. :( . You know what to do here im sure, nathan will calm down.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Mac Callister

That's the plan, man! That's the plan!!

@ M@rvin

I really hope alot of the people in my life just shrug their shoulders when I come out rather than shrug me off!!

Hahahaha....you're welcome to try! :p I'll milk a post out of you!

@ Branden

Ur right, lil fellow!! Ur damn right!

Fickle Cattle said...

Very difficult situation. That's the problem with secrets, inevitably, it leaks out. I wish the best for you.

ficklecattle.blogspot.com

FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT said...

AWWW you said I'm pretty!! EGO JUST SHOT UP TEN POINTS!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Fickle Cattle

Those are words of a sage, man!

@ FALEN AKA THUNDERCAT

Hahahaha.....and funny too!

Derric said...

There is no advice for such a situation.
Even i dont feel very much confident when i add a gay friend to my orkut, i do twice.
Nathan is being paranoid, even i am sure ill feel the same, if i come across a situation. Give him time, i am sure he will regain the confidence.
@ Nathan: Trust yourself, nothing unwanted will happen.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

He's handling it much better now!! Thanks fr the kind words!

Dean Grey said...

Phunk Factor!

I'm a bit confused here.

So what if the new guy knows Nathan is gay?

Are you worried he'll tell Nathan's Facebook friends the news?

It isn't so much that he knows but that he did some deep digging to find out the info that bothers me!

-Dean

Phunk Factor said...

@ Dean Grey

That's the point Nathan keeps pressing!!

BosGuy said...

Yes, I remember those days well and am happy I can refer to them in the past tense. The other stress - which I never anticipated - is that your anxieties and stress associated with life in the closet can result in strange manifestations; for me I became angry or sad when I drank for example.

Phunk Factor said...

@ BosGuy

Ummm...closeted life can be a real pain in the neck at times...but these strange manifestations transform into frustrations!! At least so I feel!

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