Jul 30, 2010

That Nagging Thought

Ryan called really late Wednesday night. "Dude, it's 3 am in the night! Couldn't you call me in the day?", I asked.

"It's 2 pm! I just got up! Everybody's gone and I'm freak'in hungry!", he said. "You know how to make anything?", he asks.

"Ryan, seriously not in the mood to joke right now!", I growl.

"Is it because I called up so late or something else?", he asks.

"I just came back from a mayun and I'm really tired. Also I'm kind of in a bad place right now.", I reply. "And I was hoping to go to sleep, so as to get these thoughts of out my head." Mayun is a celebration exclusively for the groom's family, it's where the family wishes the groom well for his martial journey. Consider it like a very traditional bachelor party; no strippers, no alcohol, no table-top dancing. I really don't know how to describe, but it is an extremely fun event.

"How's Nathan?", he asked.

"He's good. Sort of busy with some stuff with his family, but otherwise he's good. We've met about five times and he's here for about 9 more days, so we're going to try to meet-up again a couple of more times. So it's kind of a bittersweet thing!", I tell him. We had a minor conversation about college updates, friends, the new semester, the new clinical schedule and a Russian hook-up he particularly enjoyed.

"So exactly what has gotten you blue, dude?", he asked.

"It's just something! I'll be fine once I've slept for a couple of hours!", I reply.

"No, it's something big. I know you. It's not that easy to pull you down." Ryan says. "Is it because of the wedding? Your coat isn't the shade of blue you wanted it to be?"

"Oh shut up! It's because of the wedding, Ryan!" I snap back.

"Aha!", Ryan yell triumphantly. "So now that you have told me what's the matter, why not giving out a few details?", he asks.

"Dude, there is really nothing to tell!", I moan. "I went to a mayun and I'll be going to another celebration on Friday night. And then another on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm sad because I'll never actually be having all that for myself. At least not if I stay with Nathan or any guy for that matter!".

After a moment of silence, "But you already knew that before you got into this with Nathan, didn't you?", he asked.

"Obviously I did. I'm usually fine with it. Before today, it had never really bothered me.", I tell him. "But today after seeing all that happiness, my aunt's face (Groom's mother), all the celebration. It made me a little sad that I won't ever get to see that day for myself!"

"There is really no point in feeling sad over it.", he said casually. "The wedding bug has got you bad, man! You'll be fine once this wedding has passed and you are busy once more in college matters."

"Yeah!", I replied half-heartedly. He was right on on his accord, but still it's not that easy to flip the sad-happy switch.

"Being gay is difficult.", he said in a grave tone. "Actually difficult is a very small word to describe it. Besides the constant discrimination and insult, things aren't the same for us. One thing that you need to realize is that there is really not much to celebrate about and also not many people there to celebrate with!" I didn't know what to reply to that. For a small time none of us said anything, "So if you want to go ahead with this, be sure about the person you have chosen and get ready to fight for alot of things."

Ryan painted an ugly picture, but who hasn't heard of the ugly truth. If I come out to my whole clan, maybe I can get them to accept me. But would they accept the life-style that comes along with it?

I think not!

But it's a long way to go before that point comes, so I'm in no hurry. But that nagging thought is still dominating my mind. Mum has picked on something off about me lately, I told her that the wedding preparations have got me tried. That's not entirely a lie, they are really tiring. I really don't mind do all the wedding work, it makes me feel really happy. But like I said, the nagging thought is not letting go.


Branden said...

phunk is too cool to have a wedding :P ... dont let it get u down n blue

Phunk Factor said...

@ Branden

Lol...kid, you make me laugh so hard!!

Johnny said...

I've noticed that lately your blog has become abit dark...not sure how I feel about it!
I don't hate it...but I don't love it either! The material is still really good so that's something you can be happy about!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Johnny


Probably...I need to get some alone time with Nathan! Then u will definitely see some happy posts! ;)

jits said...

Dont get down phunk, just think of all the moments which you get to spend with nathan and the the happiness you feel with him .. you'll never want to trade it with anything else and quoting shahrukh khan from Bazigar

"Kuch pane ke liye, kuch pana padta hai" :D

So don't worry you'll be become the bazigar :)

Phunk Factor said...

@ jits

Hahaha...thanks, man! :)

Derric said...

"But today after seeing all that happiness, my aunt's face (Groom's mother), all the celebration. It made me a little sad that I won't ever get to see that day for myself!", those words really brought tears to my eyes.I have been writing long about the marriage issues coming up, and this is one thing whichi am not sure how am i gonna tackle.
Hey why cant i have a marriage, people happy, laughing, and stuff. I really do love marriages, and because of the nagging feeling of me not having it is XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Phunk Factor said...

@ Derric

That's something with us imo....the Eastern society is more into this marriage mumbo-jumbo while the Western prefer to live it single and fabulous!

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