Jul 16, 2010

Bad Track Record

Nathan and I were talking about crushes today. It came as quite a surprise to me that Nathan really doesn't have that many crushes. I, on the other hand, have numerous crushes that have come and gone faster than I could imagine. The thing that I was somewhat scared that this conversation would lead to, happened. The common pattern I've seen in the people that have become important to me in my life is that at some point I had a crush on all of them. I have had a crush on Ryan, Christian, Gracie, Bruce and even Nathan at some point since I got to know them first. Some happened on sight and others happened once I got to know the people better but all ended at some point or the other to transform into something deeper.

I never told Gracie about my crush on her and I think it's best that I don't. Gracie hates crushes! I told Ryan about it, but he laughed it off. Christian didn't approve of it as he felt that the crush is something which is very likely to give me the wrong impression about him. Bruce never got to know about it and Nathan was very surprised about it when I told him. There have been others as well but I have not told them about it, I prefer not telling people that I have a crush on them as it tends to give off a very immature image. I only do it once I'm pretty damn sure that I am no longer crushing on them and that they've grown close to me.

My opinion about crushes is that they are a sign of immaturity. And that's one of the main reason I think of myself as a very immature person. Crush is something that happens when you're ascending into puberty and you really don't know what it is like to be in love. You happen to like somebody based on how they look or how they maneuver themselves, and you start crushing on them. You want them to notice you and you do things to get yourself noticed at times as well. Crushes are exploratory! Crushes are uninhibited! Crushes are temporary! And most importantly, crushes are immature!

Nathan is a very practical person, and as I have mentioned before it's one of the many things I admire about him. But his practical nature tends to make him a bit of pessimist at times. I'm more of the emotional kind, and as much as I hate it at times. I don't regret being emotional. It makes life alot more fun, in my emotional opinion!

"Ever wondered why you fall for every person you get close to?", Nathan asked. I could sense sadness and a tinge of disappointment in his tone. He realized that his question hit a nerve with me, "I'm sorry, but I think you like being in a relation that's why you kept having one crush after another!"

Like I said earlier in the same post, I too wonder about this at times. But I don't think I wanted to be in a relation. After Bruce I really didn't see myself dating and I felt that I really didn't have any points on my side that I should be looking for a boyfriend. When I came to States last summer, I realized what I wanted. I wanted to be a really good doctor like my cousin. I wanted a career. I wanted to help my family in their immigration process. I didn't want a relation or a boyfriend, I realized that I could get that later as well. Right now something else was more important. If by chance I stumbled upon someone I genuinely liked maybe, but if that doesn't happen then nothing-doing.

My goals didn't change when I came back home from States, I still knew what I wanted. I am guilty of trying out the local dating scene for the first time, but the three dates I went on turned out to be complete waste of time, money and energy. I gave-up on dating completely and became even more focused on my studies. So no! I wasn't looking for a relation when Nathan came into my life. It just happened! I don't regret a moment of it, I really do very much love being in love with Nathan. I knew that this was Nathan's insecurity talking and I didn't mind. Nathan tends to be a tad bit dark at times but at no cost he lets his grip on reality get loose.

"At least now I am mentally prepared that there maybe a day when you break up with me because you get a crush on someone else!", Nathan said. His insecurity was hurting him at this point and I really didn't know what to do. I felt miserable knowing that he was miserable.

Maybe it's something that would go away with time, it has to. Nathan does know that I love him, but there are moments of doubts in every heart in every relation. I don't mind conquering his demons. It's just one of those things I have to do. I plan to touch this topic with him again soon, I couldn't say everything I wanted to. I know I can sort it out, some right now and some with time. But every wound heals!


Branden said...

moments od doubts *sigh* are like poison

dpking19 said...

i have had so many crshes it is not even funny but i still havent found that one. But as for you and nathan que sera sera...what will be will be...right? Love<~Peter~>

Phunk Factor said...

@ Branden

Spot on, kiddo! Spot on!

@ Peter aka dpkin19

I don't know yet myself...i don't intend to let a silly little thing like this get in the way....no-way no-how!

Christian said...

just yestrday i was thinkin abt ur Ex - Crush on me .. :P

I dont think Crushes r Immature, ... EVERYONE has crushes, many jst dnt admit it... bt it depends a lot wat u do with it,.. if u pursue it, it can either turn into sumthing Big or mayb even end..

▬╡νι¢кソ╞▬ said...

"I'm more of the emotional kind," *chuckle* since when? ;):p :d

"....and as much as I hate it at times. I don't regret being emotional. It makes life alot more fun, in my emotional opinion!... "
i feel exactly the same.

abt ur conversation with Nathan,
"I'm sorry, but I think you like being in a relation that's why you kept having one crush after another!"
-sounds very immature, insecurity or no insecurity.

wish the two of you, luck, hope everything gets sorted soon.

Phunk Factor said...

@ Christian

True! A whole lot of it depends on what you do with it!

@ ▬╡νι¢кソ╞▬

Since the sky was blue and leaves were green! ;)

Glad to find that you agree to my PoV of making life more fun!

His 'immaturity' stems from me...if I were in his shoes and I was dating someone who has had loads of crushes, I'd probably ask him something like this sooner or later!

Johnny said...

Phunk man...you seem like a very wise person then how come you did not see this coming?!

Moments of doubts exist in every relation...even the bond of child-parent is full of doubt as no child ever totally agrees with everything his or her parent tells them to do!

Nathan does love you...he just needs to know!

Like Vicky said...hope everything gets sorted soon!

Wilmaryad said...

Every relationship starts with a crush, a crash or a clash. :p Sometimes, it's a guy who makes you heart skip a beat. It can be somebody you just bump into. Or somebody you fight with, then realize the hate is but covert attraction.

Crushes aren't immature. Trying to impress the other by overdoing things and pretending to be who we are not is what is immature. I, for one, did that way too many times during my adolescence.

I, now, just don't pay attention to guys' eyes, so I don't know who looks at me and who doesn't. Not that it matters, because I, over the years, did my best to appeal to no gay man in town. :p

Cool post!

Phunk Factor said...

@ Johnny

Thanks fr all ur support, man!! It really means alot to me!

@ Wilmaryad

Hahahaha...i liked your opening line ALOT! I still very much do think that crushes are immature and pretending to be someone you aren't fr someone you like...well that's plain crazy!!

Thanks fr the advice!

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