Getting to know him was obviously alot easier than actually coming forward and telling him, 'Hey! I like you! Yes, I like you! I like you more than a friend!'. Everytime I used to think about it, my throat was shut down and more so, I kept thinking that he would think I'm playing some stupid prank on him. You see, quite often when we chatted I would say something completely bogus and very horny that shocked him really bad. I like to think of it as being able to rock his world, even before getting him in bed. Lol!
But yes, that's how my mind was functioning. He's going to freak out! He's going to stop talking! He's going to freeze up! All this made me wonder if telling him was the right thing to do..at least at this moment. I felt that we had just started getting to know each other on a personal level. Also given that I felt I had jumped too early and much too eagerly into the whole relationship business with Bruce. My mind understood that I had to take it slow, but my heart is such a stubborn b*tch. I didn't care at all about taking slow and easing him in.
I wasn't exactly building castles in the air, but I was considering the possibilities of things that would happen - all in the 'Happily Ever After' sense of course. I've seen too many chick flicks, man. Way too many for my own good!
As mentioned before, I felt that I had gotten very impulsive with Bruce. This also led me to be worried this time around. Confusing?!
Let me explain! I was doubtful because this is exactly how I felt when things started with Bruce. I was extremely into him and was ready to do just about anything for him or with him. I just wasn't keeping it real. The other day I was cleaning my inbox and stumbled upon some mails we had exchanged in the beginning. I couldn't believe that I had written those. They were so sickeningly sweet that I felt like scratching my eyes out for reading them and pulling my fingers off for typing them. It was that creepy!
I asked Ryan for advice, while he thoroughly doesn't approve of what I had been doing, he told me to hang in there till I couldn't hang in any longer. Relying completely on his words, that's what I did. I could hang on for about two week only.
Two week later, I took my chances and opened up to him. That week was somewhat complicated for me. I had a paper on Saturday and then one again on Thursday. Sunday night my sister was flying back to States and I had a ton of work to do for an upcoming college party, which regretfully didn't happen because of security reasons. Despite all of this mess, I couldn't stop thinking about him. But getting committed to him wasn't that easy. He wasn't in knowledge of some very big chunks of my life. I told him to wait till Thursday, by then at least I will be free of my tests.
Friday morning, I had a holiday. Or rather I took one! I spent the entire morning and most of the early afternoon talking to him. So I sat down and told him everything he needed to know. I had thought alot about it and I felt that I was indeed serious about it. And if I was serious, I need to take a risk. So I did!
Fortunately he didn't find them all that alarming. In case you're wondering, it's not like I have some life-threatening disease or anything. I just have a very planned through life and I would like it that way. I could say, I was slightly imposing when I was telling him about it. But he took it all well. Once I was done with my commandments, he voiced that he had a few issues of his own( Again, I'm terming them issues very loosely. It doesn't imply anything frightening. Well at least not for me! ). I had to push him abit but I didn't push him too much. Stopped just before I felt what was enough for me to know at this stage.
"So are we committed or what?", I asked. Once again, I was getting ahead of myself. Damn it! When will I learn?!
"Give me sometime and I'll let you know!", he answered. "There is something but I have yet to specify it!". That was possibly the best thing he could have said. That's what I like most about him. Genuine honesty! I don't drive myself crazy wondering about it, because he lets me know plainly. It's been about two months now since we started. His real name means 'Leader', but I call him 'Commander'; I like being submissive. Over here, he'll be known as 'Nathan', the gentle-lover.